Comedy

Excellent, DJ. Funny, and it even has a moral!

My David works at Sun City, a retirement community. Here is his joke.


Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. Shewrites:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection..

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Love,
Betty

Priceless, Betty!

Ann

I had seen this one before, but it still cracks me up!!

Honk! Honk!

Unbelievable. Thanks, Abe.

My dad had an aunt named Helen Hunt. She was very active in our hometown Presbyterian Church. One Sunday, while the minister was making announcements, he made the statement, "So, if you want help with your project, go to Helen Hunt for it."

(Say it out loud if you didn't catch it.)

Ann

Nice Abe but you missed one out!
The Guest preacher for next weeks sermon will be found pinned on the notice board.

Great thread Abe thank you.

Had to say it twice, then I got it, Ann. Wonder if he realized how it came out.

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.

It is all true...these are the perks of reaching 60 and
heading towards 70 and older!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be
released first.

3. No one expects you to run----anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out...

8. You can eat supper at 4pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension
plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a
challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no
matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Just one more add: I was always taught to respect my elders. Now it's difficult to find anyone to respect.

Abe,

Funny and true.

Statistics show that old people are among the biggest section of the population that have Aids. Hearing aids, Walking aids, Seeing aids, Band aids................

That made me laugh so much I nearly soiled myself.
Thanks DJ.

Great one Don. I'm still laughing.

A man turns to his wife and says, "Remember when you said if I won the lottery you'd take half the money and leave me."
"Yes," the wife replies.
"Well here's a fiver, I just won a tenner. Now clear off."

When I was stationed at Chattareoux, France, servicemen living on base with their families complained about being bothered by solicitors. An enterprising Airman had "No soliciting" signs made and went door to door selling them. It was a one shot deal, but he sold to everyone.

thehairymob wrote:

A man turns to his wife and says, "Remember when you said if I won the lottery you'd take half the money and leave me."
"Yes," the wife replies.
"Well here's a fiver, I just won a tenner. Now clear off."

Hairy, the best one I heard in a long while!


(rest snipped)

A ventriloquist was performing his act, telling his ususal dumb blonde jokes. suddenly a blonde in the audience shouts out, "I've heard enough of you stupid blonde jokes. What does the colour of a persons hair have to do as their worth as a humanbeing. It's men like you that keep women like me from being respected."
The red face ventriquist begins to apologize but the blonde shout, "You stay out of this I'm talking to the little runt sitting on your knee."

And this one is for the ladies.

Married couple in their sixties are visited by a fairy, who grants them both a wish.
"I want to travel the world with my husband," said the wife.
Two tickets for a luxury cruise around the world appear magically in her hand.
The husband says. "Sorry love, my wish is to have a wife thirty years younger than me."
So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes ninety two.
Moral of the story men who are ungrateful sods should remember fairies are female as well.

How do you know Santa is a man?

Firstly he always turns up late. Then he drinks your booze before emptying his sack and he only comes once before pissing off before you wake.

Good ones Hairy.

12/20/2009


All these jokes are making me laugh myself
silly...

Cheers..Joe

Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is: A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out..When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?''Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?