Comedy

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". It is offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado as an actual class assignment:
The Creative Writing professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Every person will be paired with a classmate.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send a copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add a second paragraph to the story, which will then be sent back to the partner, with a copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca
Bill
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Bill )
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
( Bill )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized even poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
( Bill )

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo. I guess I've read too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
A$$h@le.
( Bill )

B*tch!
(Rebecca)

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
( Bill )

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.

Good one Betty.
It's a lot like some of our threads. It goes off course and ends up with people taking cheap shots at one another (shesh).

Betty, that was really funny! With both writers killing off the other's character I was wondering how this would end. It had the perfect ending! Ha!

Exactly, Abe!

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She called Five Horses.”
The man exclaimed, “What an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?”
The Indian answered, “It old Indian name. It mean
NAG,NAG,NAG,NAG,NAG“

Here are my kid’s favourite jokes (well my favourites of the one’s that I heard them tell)
What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrot?


What’s the best thing to put in Christmas cake?
Your teeth!

The little indian boy goes to the wise old chief and says, "Grandfather, how do indian children get their names?"
"Well, my son," the chief explained, "When a child is born in the tribe, his mother brings him to me and I hold him and look out into the world and what I see is what the Spirit names the child. That's why your sister is named Clouds Flying and your brother is named Running Deer and mother is named Two Buffalo Running. But tell me, why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?"

Lin..

You are NAUTY......


Love Honey

True.  I am a naughtinaut.  More fun than being an astronaut.

http://content.patriotpost.us/img/legacy/broadcasts/humor/2010-02-16.html

Thanks Abe, I needed that!

That's a scream.  I love the Bush/Haiti thing.

Do you love this Chinese Doctor?

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chopcan give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

I want that doctor!

I love that doctor.

Moi ? Parlez anglais? Non. Ich spreche Deutsch.

Prosit Shelagh.

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .. They were driving on the
Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland
LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the
other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says
'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank
'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger,pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounde to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL
OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the
American looked at each other and shook their h eads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied,
'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can
you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'



FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES !
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her
what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde.
'They're watch dogs'!

Betty,

Thanks--just what I needed.

Alice,

Is your inbox full? I sent two pms that are still in my outbox.

When my brother was in high school, and over the summers he spent at home during college, he worked part-time as a painter's apprentice. One day, while he was doing odd jobs at his employer's office, he heard the foreman's voice in the back room, loudly expressing words that I won't repeat here. My brother went to the room to see what was wrong. The foreman was standing in front of an old manual adding machine - one of those multi-keyed, crank handle types you have probably never seen if you are under fifty. My brother asked the foreman what was wrong. The foreman replied, "This d**n machine is broke, that's what." By brother said, "Show me." "Well," the man said, "I do what I'm supposed to do. I punch the numbers and I pull the crank. I punch more numbers and I pull the crank. I punch the total key and pull the crank, but all I get is zero." "I see the problem," my brother told him. To get a total, you have to keep holding the total key down while you pull the crank." He demonstrated, and the foreman flew off in another barrage of those unprintable words. "It's still broke! Look at that total. It says over five hundred dollars when it shouldn't be more than around ten." "But you've tried entering it about fifty times. It's finally giving you the whole total for all of those times." "No, man. Look here," showing my brother a large stack of small paper squares. "I tore them off every single time."

Ann

My wife just threw something at me for telling her all those. Luckily she missed but warned me not to tell another joke for a year, hehehe.

Even when one hears these jokes more than once, they're still funny. I like to start my day with a smile.