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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10720
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

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PostSubject: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySat Sep 06, 2008 12:01 am

Church Hymns:

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning;
he said, "Today in church I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED
CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said, "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

Laugh... it burns calories
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Dick Stodghill
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Dick Stodghill

Number of posts : 3795
Registration date : 2008-05-04
Age : 94
Location : Akron, Ohio

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySat Sep 06, 2008 7:03 am

Great one, Abe.
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Pam
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Pam

Number of posts : 1790
Registration date : 2008-02-01
Age : 53
Location : Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySat Sep 06, 2008 8:25 pm

I love that Abe, and if church was that much fun, I'd probably go back! Shocked
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zadaconnaway
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zadaconnaway

Number of posts : 4017
Registration date : 2008-01-16
Age : 71
Location : Washington, USA

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySat Sep 06, 2008 11:17 pm

I'm with you, Pam!

There was another one where the Pastor was speaking of hate and asked if there was any one in the congregation who harbored no ill will to others. A little old lady stood up and said, "I have no enemies, and hate no one."

"And how is that?" the pastor asked.

"I outlived them all."
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Dick Stodghill
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Dick Stodghill

Number of posts : 3795
Registration date : 2008-05-04
Age : 94
Location : Akron, Ohio

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySun Sep 07, 2008 6:13 am

I know that feeling, Zada.
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Shelagh
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Shelagh

Number of posts : 12624
Registration date : 2008-01-11
Location : UK

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySun Sep 07, 2008 6:39 am

... but you still have me to ruffle your feathers.

_________________
Religious comedy 81KU-cLOw3L._SX110_ Religious comedy 41C9GeFDNWL._SX110_ Religious comedy 41%2BmGkZJdOL._SX110_ Religious comedy 51eDGllZXhL._SX115_ Religious comedy 41y7VHKoszL._SX115_ Religious comedy 51Zs4N4T4eL._SX115_
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I shall never be old. It doesn't suit me -- ©️Shelagh Watkins
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Dick Stodghill
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Dick Stodghill

Number of posts : 3795
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Age : 94
Location : Akron, Ohio

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySun Sep 07, 2008 10:35 am

How true.
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zadaconnaway
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zadaconnaway

Number of posts : 4017
Registration date : 2008-01-16
Age : 71
Location : Washington, USA

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySun Sep 07, 2008 8:49 pm

You gotta watch out for them younger folks, Dick. They can out run us, too!
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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10720
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Age : 80
Location : Germany

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySun Sep 07, 2008 10:52 pm

When the pastor ask for someone to select some hymns, that same little old lady stood up, and pointing said, "I'll take him, and him and him."
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Malcolm
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Malcolm

Number of posts : 1504
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Location : Georgia

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptyMon Sep 08, 2008 8:16 am

I didn't know Dick had feathers.

M
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Shelagh
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Shelagh

Number of posts : 12624
Registration date : 2008-01-11
Location : UK

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptyMon Sep 08, 2008 8:47 am

If he did, I'd ruffle 'em.

_________________
Religious comedy 81KU-cLOw3L._SX110_ Religious comedy 41C9GeFDNWL._SX110_ Religious comedy 41%2BmGkZJdOL._SX110_ Religious comedy 51eDGllZXhL._SX115_ Religious comedy 41y7VHKoszL._SX115_ Religious comedy 51Zs4N4T4eL._SX115_
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I shall never be old. It doesn't suit me -- ©️Shelagh Watkins
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Preacher
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Number of posts : 41
Registration date : 2009-04-21
Age : 72
Location : Poplar Bluff, MO

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptyWed Apr 22, 2009 6:06 am

A new minister moved to town and became the new pastor of the Community Church. During his first Sunday service, he was told that several members were not there because they did not know that there was a new pastor.

So he decided to visit these who were absent and invite them back to church. At the first home that he visited, he knocked, and the lady, about 55 years old, came to open the door. Suddenly she said, "Why, it's Conway Twitty!"
He said, "No, I'm not Conway Twitty. I just look like him. I'm the new pastor at church and want to invite you to church this Sunday."

At each of the homes that he visited, it was the same thing. Each lady thought he was Conway Twitty, and he would explain that he only looked like him.

Finally, at the last home he was to visit, a beautiful young lady, dressed in only a nightie, opened the door and exclaimed, "Oh! You're Conway Twitty!"

The pastor said, "Hello Darlin'. Nice to see ya!"


Ooooo! That's naughty!!
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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10720
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptyMon Apr 27, 2009 7:54 am

(I wrote the following to my kids in 1997. Just found it and thought you might find it amusing.n Keep in mind it was not written in book form)
RECENT DIALOGUE BETWEEN MOM AND DAD

MOM: God! It does nothing but rain! I'm getting sick of it! If it keeps up, we'll float away.
DAD: Perhaps I should build an Ark. I think it may qualify; it seems to have rained 40 days and 40 nights.
MOM: Did God talk to you?
DAD: Yeah, I heard his voice.
MOM: Did he say Abraham, I'm calling you?

(This opening led to the following scenario)

DAD: He said, "Abraham, Abraham." I said, who is this? He said, "This is the Lord talking." I said, what do you want, and he said, "I want you to build an Ark." I said, what's an Ark, and he said, "Don't get cute, you know perfectly well what an Ark is.” OK, so you want me to build an Ark. I guess that means we can expect more rain. What will the neighbors say, in fact, what am I going to tell my wife? Do you know my wife? Can you imagine me telling her, "The Lord said I should build an Ark.“? When she stops laughing, she'll want to know what I've been drinking.

LORD: Yes, I know your wife; she calls my name often, usually in a loud voice and a tone that does not please me. Although she has read much of my word, she doesn't take me seriously. That's why I want you to build the Ark.

DAD: You want me to build the Ark because my wife doesn't take you seriously, are you serious?

LORD: Yes, I'm serious. Build the Ark!

DAD: Well, I guess I should ask how big I should I build it, and don't give me that Cubit stuff. I don't know what a Cubit is. Just give it to me in feet or in meters. And one more thing, am I supposed to gather all kinds of beasts and birds & things to put in the Ark?

LORD: Did I say anything about that? I told you to build an Ark and I haven't said anything more at this point. Just do as you're told and "trust me."

DAD: Are you familiar with the connotation about "trust me?"

LORD: You're getting cute again.

DAD: So where am I supposed to build this Ark, and what do you suggest I use to build it? You know I'm out of work just now and I don't have money to buy lumber.

LORD: I will provide.

DAD: My mother always said that the Lord works in mysterious ways. Are you being mysterious about this?

LORD: No. All you need will be provided.

DAD: Let's get back to my wife. She will not understand me building an Ark especially if it takes up my time and I can't look for a job. We want to build security for old age and that takes money. How am I going to make money
building an Ark?

LORD: I will provide.

DAD: Can I tell my wife I'm going to build an Ark, or am I supposed to keep that a secret? It's going to be really tough trying to keep an Ark secret you know.

LORD: I will talk with your wife.

DAD: You're going to talk to her? When? I've gotta hear this!

LORD: No, you can't listen in. I will talk to her in my own way.

DAD: Your mysterious way?

LORD: Yes, if you want to put it that way.

DAD: Will she cooperate after you've talked to her? She's pretty head strong you know.

LORD: She'll cooperate, just trust me.

DAD: There you go again with that "trust me" stuff. OK, OK, I'll trust you. Just tell me how to begin with this Ark.

LORD: First, make a drawing. I want you to build it 120 Cubits long and...

DAD: Whoa! What's a cubit? Why can't you give it to me in feet? I've been watching Star Trek and I'm getting used to warp speed and other new space jargon, but I don't know anything about Cubits. Can you please tell me how long a Cubit is?

LORD: It's about an arm's length, about 28 digits. For smaller measurements, you use a hand, about 5 digits.

DAD: So who's going to give me a hand building the Ark? I'll need help.

LORD: I will provide.

DAD: You keep saying that. Exactly what will you provide?

LORD: You are trying my patience. At this rate, you'll never get the Ark built if all you do is ask questions. You must have faith that I will provide all your needs.

DAD: Does that include the answers to my questions?

LORD: There you go again. Questions, questions, questions. Why can't you simply have faith?

DAD: Aha, that's it! No one is to question you because you're the Lord, and we're supposed to have faith. Now according to scripture, and I quote,
"Faith is the evidence of things not seen." Now tell me, what evidence is that? I'd like to see you use that in a court of law.

LORD: You've been listening too much to your wife. I know she's been planting seeds of doubt in your mind and you have lost the child-like faith you once had.

DAD: Yeah, I used to be pretty gullible, huh?

LORD: I'm calling it off.

DAD: You're calling what off?

LORD: My request for you to build an Ark.

DAD: Why? I was just getting used to the idea of an Ark. I saw myself behind the steering wheel of the Ark with high-powered motors making waves as I took in the sun and.....

LORD: You're hopeless.

DAD: That's what my wife tells me.
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Pam
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Pam

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Age : 53
Location : Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptyMon Apr 27, 2009 5:13 pm

That's excellent Abe!!
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zadaconnaway
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zadaconnaway

Number of posts : 4017
Registration date : 2008-01-16
Age : 71
Location : Washington, USA

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptyThu Apr 30, 2009 6:12 am

Abe, that's great. cheers
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Dick Stodghill
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Dick Stodghill

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Age : 94
Location : Akron, Ohio

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptyThu Apr 30, 2009 7:04 am

Good one again, Abe. So is Preacher's Conway Twitty story.
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Don Stephens
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Don Stephens

Number of posts : 1355
Registration date : 2008-01-25
Age : 81
Location : Wherever my hat's hanging today!

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySun May 03, 2009 10:15 am

Twisted Evil


Last edited by D. J. (Don) Stephens on Fri Mar 05, 2010 5:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10720
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySun May 03, 2009 10:44 am

That's good Don.
Of course everyone can pray. Why do people need a platform to do it?
When I listen to the prayers of some preachers/ministers/priests or whatever they call themselves, they read or say a rehearsed prayer. It's supposed to fit the audience.
Prayer to me is private. It's between me and God. I don't need someone listening in nor do I need someone to formulate a prayer for me.
Anyway, it is just my opinion and way of thinking. Each to his own.
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Don Stephens
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Don Stephens

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySun May 03, 2009 10:51 am

Abe,

I couldn't agree more. Never understood why people think a prayer has to sound like a reading from the Old Testament in order to have God listen.
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Shelagh
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Shelagh

Number of posts : 12624
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Location : UK

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySun May 03, 2009 10:51 am

Don,

I think the last line should be: You don't stand a prayer.

_________________
Religious comedy 81KU-cLOw3L._SX110_ Religious comedy 41C9GeFDNWL._SX110_ Religious comedy 41%2BmGkZJdOL._SX110_ Religious comedy 51eDGllZXhL._SX115_ Religious comedy 41y7VHKoszL._SX115_ Religious comedy 51Zs4N4T4eL._SX115_
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Don Stephens
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Don Stephens

Number of posts : 1355
Registration date : 2008-01-25
Age : 81
Location : Wherever my hat's hanging today!

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptySun May 03, 2009 10:55 am

Shelagh,

You're right...I think it takes more guts to go into teaching now days that to join the military!Religious comedy 67296
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Preacher
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Number of posts : 41
Registration date : 2009-04-21
Age : 72
Location : Poplar Bluff, MO

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptyTue May 05, 2009 8:54 am

Abe F. March wrote:
That's good Don.
Of course everyone can pray. Why do people need a platform to do it?
When I listen to the prayers of some preachers/ministers/priests or whatever they call themselves, they read or say a rehearsed prayer. It's supposed to fit the audience.
Prayer to me is private. It's between me and God. I don't need someone listening in nor do I need someone to formulate a prayer for me.
Anyway, it is just my opinion and way of thinking. Each to his own.

I agree! Prayer is a personal conversation between you and God. I believe a person should talk to God in his own way. This business of praying with eloquent words and all the "thee's, thou's and givest's," etc., is praying to draw attention to one's self. Praying like that is like the parable Jesus spoke:

St. Luke 18 10 - 13 (NKJV)
10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.
11 The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector.
12 I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’
13 And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’

It is best to just be yourself and talk to God in your own personal way. He understands you and He knows who you are.

God bless!
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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10720
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

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PostSubject: Re: Religious comedy   Religious comedy EmptyThu Jul 14, 2016 1:02 pm

A good Catholic Joke
The Pope and Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of  
a huge crowd.  The Pope leans toward Trump and said: “Do you know that
with one little wave of my hand I can make every person n this crowd go wild
with joy.  This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their
hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!” 

Trump replied:  “I seriously doubt that!  With one wave of your hand…Show me!”
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage.  AND THE CROWD
ROARED AND CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land.
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