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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptySat Aug 23, 2014 11:10 am

Loved it Shelagh.
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Shelagh
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Shelagh

Number of posts : 12619
Registration date : 2008-01-11
Location : UK

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptySat Aug 23, 2014 1:31 pm

Me too, Abe!  Laughing

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Comedy - Page 11 81KU-cLOw3L._SX110_ Comedy - Page 11 41C9GeFDNWL._SX110_ Comedy - Page 11 41%2BmGkZJdOL._SX110_ Comedy - Page 11 51eDGllZXhL._SX115_ Comedy - Page 11 41y7VHKoszL._SX115_ Comedy - Page 11 51Zs4N4T4eL._SX115_
Amazon Author Central: Shelagh Watkins
I shall never be old. It doesn't suit me -- ©️Shelagh Watkins
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Abe F. March
Five Star Member
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyMon Sep 22, 2014 1:39 am

Making the bed.
http://tinyurl.com/kffj26d
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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyMon Dec 01, 2014 11:38 pm

A young guy moves from North Dakota to Florida. and goes to a big “everything under one roof“ department store looking for a job.
The manager says: “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says: “Yeah.  I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.”
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figures he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.  I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
 
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.  After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.  “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid frowns, looks at the floor and mutters, “One”.
 
The boss says, “Just one?!  Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.  That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here.  We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida.  One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.
 
The kid took his beating, continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.  He asked (semi-sarcastically) “So how much was your one sale for?”
 
The kid looks at his boss and says $101,237.65”
 
The boss astonished says, $101,237.65!  What the heck did you sell?”
 
The kid says, “Well, first I sold him some new fish hooks.  Then I sold him a fishing rod to go with the new hooks.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said, down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.  Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 X 4 Expedition.”
 
The boss said, “The guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?”
 
The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.”
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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptySat Dec 13, 2014 5:36 am

Passing this along as received:

From now on I believe in The Prophet Mohamed.
 
I decided to go to the Mosque for a first time to see what it was all about. 
I sat down and the Iman came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the All Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today.
I told him I was not paralysed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.  Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my fuck'n car had been stolen.
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Shelagh
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Shelagh

Number of posts : 12619
Registration date : 2008-01-11
Location : UK

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptySat Dec 13, 2014 6:18 am

lol!

_________________
Comedy - Page 11 81KU-cLOw3L._SX110_ Comedy - Page 11 41C9GeFDNWL._SX110_ Comedy - Page 11 41%2BmGkZJdOL._SX110_ Comedy - Page 11 51eDGllZXhL._SX115_ Comedy - Page 11 41y7VHKoszL._SX115_ Comedy - Page 11 51Zs4N4T4eL._SX115_
Amazon Author Central: Shelagh Watkins
I shall never be old. It doesn't suit me -- ©️Shelagh Watkins
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Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyMon Dec 22, 2014 10:48 am

Quote :
Quote :
Quote :
Never Force Children To Pray...PRICELESS
Quote :
  
At  dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.
 
"But  I don't know how to pray," he replied.
 
“Just  pray for your family, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc.," said his  father.
 
"Okay”,  the boy said."
 
"Dear  Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all  my cookies and ice cream.
 
Bless  them so they won't come again.
 
Forgive  our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with  her on her bed.
 
This  coming Christmas please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry.
 
And  provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is  at work.
 
AMEN"



Dinner  was cancelled. 
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Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyTue Dec 23, 2014 4:41 am

Chinese Sick Leave
 
Ho Chow calls into work and say, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt.  I no come work.
 
The Boss says, “You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work.  You try that.
 
Several hours later Ho Chow calls again.  “I do what you say and I feel great. 
I be at work soon…You got nice house.”
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Shelagh
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Shelagh

Number of posts : 12619
Registration date : 2008-01-11
Location : UK

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyTue Dec 23, 2014 11:03 am

LOL! Such good advice!

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Comedy - Page 11 81KU-cLOw3L._SX110_ Comedy - Page 11 41C9GeFDNWL._SX110_ Comedy - Page 11 41%2BmGkZJdOL._SX110_ Comedy - Page 11 51eDGllZXhL._SX115_ Comedy - Page 11 41y7VHKoszL._SX115_ Comedy - Page 11 51Zs4N4T4eL._SX115_
Amazon Author Central: Shelagh Watkins
I shall never be old. It doesn't suit me -- ©️Shelagh Watkins
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Don Stephens
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Don Stephens

Number of posts : 1355
Registration date : 2008-01-25
Age : 81
Location : Wherever my hat's hanging today!

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyTue Dec 23, 2014 2:14 pm

A young man with his pants hanging half off his behind, two gold front teeth,
and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office 
to pick up his welfare check.
 
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare.  I'd really rather have a job.  I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." 
 
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  It pays $150,000 per year and you'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.  This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." 



The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
 
The social worker said, "Yeah, but...You started it."
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Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyTue Dec 23, 2014 11:09 pm

Thanks for the end of the year chuckles.
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Don Stephens
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Don Stephens

Number of posts : 1355
Registration date : 2008-01-25
Age : 81
Location : Wherever my hat's hanging today!

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyFri Dec 26, 2014 1:53 pm

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.[/size]

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.


In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"


The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop".


"Well, I'm in the bar next door."  He replied.
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alj
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alj

Number of posts : 9633
Registration date : 2008-12-05
Age : 76
Location : San Antonio

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyFri Dec 26, 2014 1:58 pm

Now that's funny! Comedy - Page 11 343621
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http://www.annjoiner.com
Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptySat Dec 27, 2014 1:00 am

Great one, Don.
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Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyMon Dec 29, 2014 12:40 am

Obese man goes to the doctor for his annual physical.  The doctor says:
“You must lose weight.  I want you to jog five miles per day for the next 20 days and then call me.”
After 20 days, the man calls the doctor.  The doctor asks:  “Did you lose weight?”
“Yes” replied the man.
“Are you pleased?” asks the doctor.
“No”
“Why not?” asks the doctor.
“Because I’m 100 miles from home.”
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Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyWed Jan 07, 2015 2:26 am

Elderly couple sitting in church.  The man turns to his wife and says:
“I just let out a silent fart.  What do you think I should do?”
Wife says:  “Change the batteries on your hearing aid.”
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Don Stephens
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Don Stephens

Number of posts : 1355
Registration date : 2008-01-25
Age : 81
Location : Wherever my hat's hanging today!

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyThu Jan 08, 2015 8:56 pm

Golf
 
A man is out playing golf when he hits a terrible shot into the woods.
He is slashing at the weeds and cursing something fierce when a mysterious
Woman appears out of a cloud.
 
She says you know it’s wrong to use that kind of language and you could lose your soul.
 
The man says he can’t help it it’s the golf that makes his use the language.
 
The woman says, “If you can go without cursing, I will allow you to play sub-par golf for
A whole year.”
 
The man says, “You have a deal.  To be able to play golf under par, I can control myself.”
 
The woman says, “There is one drawback however.  It will restrict you sex life!”
 
“For under par golf…Okay…it’s still a deal.”
 
For the next year the man played golf three times a week and was under par every round.
 
When the year was up the man’s first shot off the tee on the very next round was in the woods. 
He is slashing around in the weeds cursing and yelling for the woman to appear.
 
She does and he asks for another year of sub-par golf.
 
She agrees but asks, “Doesn’t the effect on your sex life bother you?”
 
He replies, “Not really.”
 
How many times did you have sex in the last year?” she askes.
 
“Four or five times.”  He says.
 
“That’s not very many.”  She replies.
 
“Hey, that’s not bad for a priest in a small parish!”  He smiles.
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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyThu Jan 08, 2015 9:38 pm

Laughing Good one.
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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

Comedy - Page 11 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyMon Feb 16, 2015 7:49 am

Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

 
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
 

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
 
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
 
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
 
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
 

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
 
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
 
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work..
An ass hole is usually in charge
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Don Stephens
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Don Stephens

Number of posts : 1355
Registration date : 2008-01-25
Age : 81
Location : Wherever my hat's hanging today!

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyMon Feb 16, 2015 12:00 pm

    SENIORS & COMPUTERS


As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him,
'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Georgie grinned..'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
No,' I replied.'
Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:ID10T
I used to like Georgie, the little shithead.
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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyMon Feb 16, 2015 11:01 pm

Laughing
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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptyMon Mar 02, 2015 10:20 am

Saw a cartoon in the newspaper this morning that points out the importance of spelling:
 
Gänse – goose
Ganze – entire/complete
 
A goose walks into the massage parlor requesting the Gänse body massage as advertised.  It was a spelling error promoting a Ganze body massage.
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Don Stephens
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Don Stephens

Number of posts : 1355
Registration date : 2008-01-25
Age : 81
Location : Wherever my hat's hanging today!

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptySat Mar 07, 2015 1:03 pm

An Irish Priest is transferred to Iola, Texas. He rose from his bed one morning; it was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

Noticing a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn, he promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father. He replied: "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we also are obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
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Abe F. March
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10714
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptySun Mar 08, 2015 12:10 am

To wit.

Thanks.
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Shelagh
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Shelagh

Number of posts : 12619
Registration date : 2008-01-11
Location : UK

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Comedy - Page 11 EmptySun Mar 08, 2015 3:36 pm

Laughing

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I shall never be old. It doesn't suit me -- ©️Shelagh Watkins
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