Comedy

        

 

[size=48]Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.[/size]   The Bayou Baton Rouge , LA

 

[size=48]No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.[/size] Men' s Room Linda's Bar and Grill Chapel Hill, NC

 

=0 A [size=48]It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.[/size] Written in the dust on the back of a bus Wickenburg , AZ

 

[size=48]Make love, not war. Hell, do both... GET MARRIED![/size] Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

 

[size=48]If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.[/size]   Revolution Books New York , New York

 

[size=48]If pro is opposite of con, [/size] [size=48]Then[/size][size=48] what is the opposite of progress?[/size] [size=48]Congress![/size] Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington , DC

 

[size=48]Express Lane: Five beers or less.[/size] Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

 

[size=48]You're too good for him..[/size] Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA    &n bsp;    ;

 
 

[size=48]No wonder you always go home alone.[/size] Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

[size=48]A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.[/size]   Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX 0A   &nb sp;  &nb sp;

     

HAPPINESS   To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.   To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ______________________________ LONGEVITY   Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die... _____________________________   ...AND MY FAVORITE   HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

That last one reminds me of a card that my sister-in-law sent my oldest daughter and her brand-new husband some years ago:

"I guess that now you are married, you at least won't have to put up with relatives and friends asking you when you are going to take that step.

So, when are you going to start having children?"

A father buys a Robot that slaps people when they lie.  He decides to test it out at dinner one night.  The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.  The son says, “I did some schoolwork.”  The Robot slaps the son.  The son says, “OK, OK.  I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”  Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?” Son says, “Toy Story.”  The Robot slaps the son.  Son says, “OK, OK, we were watching porn.”  Dad says, “What?  At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.” The Robot slaps the father.  Mom laughs and says, “He certainly is your son.”  The Robot slaps the mother.

I dialled a number and got the following recording: 

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. 
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." 

~~~~~ 
 
My wife and I had words, 
but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~ 

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. 

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, 
but it keeps getting harder to find one. 

~~~~~

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. 
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" 
"Not yet," she replied.

Good ones, Shelagh.  Enjoyed a good laugh.

Larry May Become My New Favorite!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said,“ Do you think you're stupid, Larry?”
“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”


Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What's the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Larry quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ......”

Thanks Don.  It is early morning here and I got to start the day with a good chuckle.

  

Great.  I wonder if he kept his job. 

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

 Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

 If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a
person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


 Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


 Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?


Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?


 Why is it that when someone tells you that there are a  billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they  tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


 Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


 Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?


 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


 Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?


Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


 Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

 Why do people run over a string a dozen times with  their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum  one more chance?


 Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?


 How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?


 When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so; why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That really hurt you dumb sh*t, why don't you watch where you're going?"


 Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


 How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
  
 The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental
 illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (Then it's you!


 REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like.....night!

HOLY HUMOR:
 
 
 
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths
should remember these four great religious truths:
 
 
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen
people.
 
 
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
 
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian World.
  
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the
liquor store.

     

One out-of-the-way stops at home was even called "the Baptist liquor store."

:-)  That was funny.

SENIOR MOMENT
 
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
 
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
 
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
 
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
 
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
 
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
 
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
 
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ................
 
 
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Love it!

 

You're naughty, Shelagh.

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...'