my cover letter ,opinions please

ive written two cover letters, one is more professional, the other more personal, which speaks more to you?



cover letter 1




Dear X I write to you because you have represented many great writers such as K and Y whose novels I have greatly loved and enjoyed.It would be a great honour if you would read my works.

I wouldlike to submit my manuscript The Moon Finale. The Moon Finale is a story set inour world about a young girl named Lizzie Thompson and her journey into amagical world that exists side by side with our own. She learns to use magicand also discovers the truth behind her own mysterious origins. Along the wayshe makes some new friends and a fair few enemies. It shares some similar themeswith other published works such as The Homeward Bounders and His DarkMaterials.
The Moon Finale is the sum of ten years of a labourof love. I have spent years making thisworld totally believable, every detail of how things work, to the history, tothe magical people that inhabit it, I have made sure it all makes sense andmore importantly is believable. I believe that this is the key to a trulyengrossing fiction.


I have never had any work published, this is my firstcomplete manuscript. I am currently a student at Southampton University andhave almost completed my medical degree. However I now know that writing is myonly true passion and I am now pursuing this career with all my might.
Thank you so much for reading my work. Please, donot hesitate to call me on 07912343583 or e-mail me at StevenVS@hotmail.com. Igreatly look forward to hearing from you.


cover letter 2






Thisis the story of Lizzie Thompson the girl from a small seaside town who learnedmagic was real and went to live in the clouds.
My name is Steven VS and I have completed my completemanuscript and I present this to you because X , Y , Z



Lizzie discovers this magical world in all it’s wonder.Along the way she makes some truly memorable friends – and a fair few enemies.But before her feet can even hit the ground, she must quickly unravel amysterious conspiracy that not only threatens this entire new magical world,but also questions Lizzie’s mysterious origins.

This is not a story of good versus evil. This is not astory of magic and fantasy and mythological creatures. This is a story aboutfriendship and trust. This is a story about love. A story about the choices wemust all make and how these choices define who we will become.
I think that’s the point of my writing. There are manyfantastic children’s stories out there about epic high fantasy and greatstruggles and conflicts. Although all these elements are present, I must bevery clear, I never set out to write the most epic story I could, I always setout to write a personal tale. This is what I loved most growing up and alwaysswore to honour as an adult.
Although I have lived my entire life in England, I wasgreatly influenced by the art of Japanese storytelling and this has definitely blendedinto my writing. Japanese storytelling is often focused on characterdevelopment and relationships to a great extent, even amidst epic wars andrebellions. I sincerely wanted to bring this lost art to a modern westernmarket, because it was something I felt was lacking. I am an avid reader ofchildren’s fiction and keep up to date with modern trends. This is why I choseto approach an established market: children’s fantasy, but with a completelyfresh and hopefully innovative approach. Other influences to my writing areJane Austen and JK Rowling.



Know that I am currently at medical school which hastaught me a strong work ethic. I am hard working and always meet deadlines, nomatter how demanding. I will always take constructive criticism. I am lookingfor a fruitful partnership with someone enthusiastic. I would be honoured ifyou would give me such an opportunity.



This is not a one-off and if I am lucky enough to begiven the opportunity, I have more than a few ideas as to the future of LizzieThompson and this magical world.

i dont know why some of the words are not spaced between, i didnt write it like that by the way

Did you read the thread to which I added a link, Steve? Here it is again:

http://www.publishedauthors.org/agents-f4/how-to-find-an-agent-t1740.htm

You demonstate a determination to do this your own way. You ask for advice, ignore it, and then expect more advice on your way of doing things. Get on with it and do it your own way. It's quite obvious that you will do anyway. As a doctor, you could help people and make a difference. But that's not what you want to do, is it?

thats really not true!

the first cover letter i wrote with advice i found online.

the second one i wrote using the link and i read the entire thing, going through it paragraph by paragraph

paragraph 1 - i introduce myself and say this is a completed project, i will do more research into agents, and then tailor it

paragraph 2 - is my "snapshot" , soundbite, which i did after reading her Mr Spock and son short

paragraph 3 - she suggested i give credentials, of course i have none. so i suggest my knowledge of Japanese story telling, because it is relevant and has influenced my writing. and might by my Unique Selling Point USP as the writers handbook says

lastly i say i am working on other things, again Crispin suggests you should mention this.

other advice i got on this forum was to go to the library and get more info on agents and publishers, which i did and got the childrens writers yearbook out, and have incorporated some advice from that as well.

i hope this has made it clear that i AM taking all the advice i am given and am grateful for it and am not as you are implying "doing it my own way"

the reason i wrote this was because i was confused at getting confliced advice, leading to two different cover letters.

i read that entire link line by line

In which case, you would know that cover letter 1 is not the way to write a cover letter.

Cover letter 2:

First sentence - use of past and present tense.

magic was real?

Completed my complete manuscript?

This is not a story of magic?

I think
I must be very clear,
I never set out
I always set out
what I loved most
I have lived
I was greatly influenced by -- this is the most common grammar usage writers are advised to avoid: the verb to be and by. Your cover letter would fail on this alone. (Suggestion: The art of Japenese storytelling was a great influence during my formative years.)
I felt was lacking
I am an avid reader
I chose to approach
I am hard working
I will always take
I am looking for
I would be honoured
I am currently at
I am lucky enough
I have more than a few ideas

All this information about you may have some relevance but agents/pulishers have to make money. They want to know the market for your book. They want details about works in progress. They want to know what it is that makes your book stand out from the rest. Why will children love it? Why will it inspire children? What will make readers talk about it and generate sales through word of mouth?

Writing a book is easy; finding an agent or publisher is harder than graduating as a medical doctor.