Comedy

Subject: Surgery
 
 
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything;

however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
 
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."
 
 
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and
this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher
now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

 
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
 
"We're getting granite counter tops."

Cop sitting in his car looking for speeders observes a car puttering along at 22 mph.  He thinks that someone driving so slow is just as dangerous as a speeder.  He turns on his lights and pulls the car over.  He notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back – wide-eyed and white as ghosts.  The driver, obviously confused says:  “Officer I don’t understand.  I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am”, the officer replied, “you weren’t speeding..but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can be a danger to other drivers.”
“ Slower than the speed limit, no sir. I was doing the speed limit exactly…Twenty-two miles per hour!” The woman says a bit proudly. 
The State Police offer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the Route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
The officer said: “Before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…Is everyone in this car OK?  The women seem a awfully shaken and haven’t made a  peep the whole time.”
“Oh, they will be alright in a minute, officer.  We just got off Route 119”.

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. They all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear. They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room.
The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision."

Good one.

Just looked here...funny!  All of them. Thanks for the laughs.

After getting all of Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport,
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that.
I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?"protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' asks the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets into the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,
the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 130 mph.
(Remember, the Pope is Argentinean, and Fangio the famous racer, was Argentinean.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!', moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches; but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 130 mph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The President?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's GOD!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

Sure glad you are back  Funny.

Hmmm.  I can see.  I can see.

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!


♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi
responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
 
The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?"
 
To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
 
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
 
The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
 
The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
 
The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
 
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.
The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”
The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do.
Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

Both good ones.  It must be woman's day.

His name was Ollie. He was from Minnesota and he needed a loan. So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Oslo for the All-Scandinavian Summer Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Ollie handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Ollie produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
The loan papers were signed and an employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at Ollie from Minnesota for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. Two weeks later, Ollie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Minnesota, a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000.
Ollie replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return".
Keep an eye on these Minnesota boys! Just because they talk funny does not mean they just got off the lutefisk boat!

Good one Shelagh.  One learns new tricks every day.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.
It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar!
He never did any of that!”

The skunk family went to their Wednesday night prayer meeting service.  The preacher talked about having faith during these troubled times.  On their way home, the dogs could be heard barking in the distance.  The small skunks scurried close to their mother saying, “Mommy, the dogs, they’re getting closer.”  “Have faith children.  remember what the preacher said tonight.”  As they proceeded on their way, the barking was reaching a frenzy. The children again expressed their fright.  Mommy said, “Have faith children.”  The dogs were nearly upon them when Mommy stopped and said, “You had enough faith.  Now it’s time to spray.”

Love it, Abe.

An 89-year-old man was stopped by the police.  The policeman asked:
“What is your hurry?”
“I’m on my way to a lecture about smoking, drinking and staying out late.”
The policeman asked: “Who will be giving this lecture”?
The man replied, “My wife.”