How to be Happy!

Get off Facebook

It connects you to people you haven't bothered to keep up with and then reminds you why
you haven't bothered:)

Do what you love and avoid things you despise. Simple.

David,

You are wise and from IL. I love Chicago.

Facebook doesn't bother me, but I only read the stuff that I like and scroll quickly through the rest. When I don't scroll fast enough, I just remind myself not to believe everything I read, even if it is about me - OK, especially if it is about me.

As time has gone on, I've been coming more and more to think that part of being happy is about accepting that not everybody is going to agree with me, or in some cases, even like me. I am not bound by their perceptions. These days, I am finding very few things that I despise, so I have less to avoid - but I still get what David is saying.

Among PA'ers and their families, I've found, David is a very good name.

alice wrote:

David,

You are wise and from IL. I love Chicago.

Yeah, Chicago's really nice, I live about 30 to 45 minutes away from it, depending on traffic. I love going to the Art Institute, it's always been a great source of inspiration.

I am a positive person by nature. Some people are not.

I think the way to be happy is not not play the blame game. Some people I know always have to blame someone else for everthing..... their unhappiness, their lack of money, lack of what ever they consider they are lacking...the way the country is....how they look...if this and if that....but they are not willing to change anything with their own effort.

"Someone! Where is my happiness!???? I deserve Happiness! Everyone owes me happiness>"

To be happy, first be a person. Know you are a person in control of your own outlook....how you percieve the world is up to YOU. Reprogram your brain if need be. Get help.

Life is the prize. It is so short there is not enough time to feel sorry for your self. Living starts with looking past your own space and into the distance where everyone else lives.

Love,

Betty

11/10/2012

It's funny how we don't see things right in front of us !

I'm sure ALice will remember me talking about this friend.

I've known her since 1993, her husband is great, I don't know

why he hasn't divorced her yet because she has done so many

things behind his back like things for the house ( I have been with

her when she has done it,) she will buy things and hide them then

wait a few months and lie she bought them at a great discount,

this is beside the point , just a sample.

This year I started t wake up , maybe because I turned 64, or I'm

learning to see through people. She has manipulated me , trying to

get me to move near their house outside of town, I don't like to be

in an area that has wild animals roaming. She has had me drive 20

minutes to her house to take her places ( She doesn't drive) I have

fallen into this trap so many times I coudln't begin to tell you ! She

started to get worse when I told her I'm taking care of a good friend

who has ALzheimers ( His brother in NJ doesn't give a dam, that's sad)

She kept yelling at me your stupid, it'll affect your health, you won't

be able to go anyplace ! Last month I think it's been 5 weeks the last

time she called me she was yelling at me on the phone I yelled back

don't ever call me again ! I feel like a load has been taken off my

shoulders, I have a bad habit of letting people do what they want

until I get my back up....

I'm free, I don't have someone trying to control me , manipulate me ,

Free at Last, Thank God Almighty, Free at last !

I don't need or want anyone like that ever again in my life...

Cheers..Joe...

I have a very old and dear friend and am ashamed of what she posts. I do not want to unfriend her , but don't wish to be associated with her. It is not her positions, its her crude ,rude way of stating them.

I wish I had never seen her posts. They come up on my feed. I deleted one and reported it.

Joe,

I am so happy for you, toxic friends are so draining.

Dear Joe,

I have known people like that. I know people like that. It really is all about them. It is about them using you because you are kind and want peace. They do not care one whit about you or peace or anything other thing than what they want at that moment. They are users. Do not mourn the loss of their connections. you are a beautiful person. I see it in every post you make. You are an emotional, beautiful person. Tell them to stuff it.

Love,

Betty

Betty and Alice are 100% right, Joe.

Your friend sounds like my mother. Let me give you an example you might connect with: My mother did not drive. She did not like being behind the wheel of a car. Driving involved accepting too much responsibility. She would tell new friends, "You know, I don't drive." The individual would assume there was a valid reason, and, mostly because of the tone in Mother's voice, would assume the responsibility of taking her wherever she wanted to go. If one of them was about to go shopping, they would think, "Oh, I need to call Edna," and if they didn't they would feel guilty.

For much of my life, I thought our problems were my fault. She would assume this victimized position, and I would tell her how sorry I was that I had disappointed her. I found myself assuming the same position with friends, relatives, my husband, sometimes, even my children.

To shorten a long story, I eventually ended up in therapy, and from my therapist, I learned that my mother might very well have a condition known as a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I had come across it in my own reading, and noticed the book on her bookshelf, so we discussed it. My therapist would only say, perhaps, because she had never actually talked to my mother. Whatever, the sessions helped me, and led to my brother and his wife seeking marriage counseling. A few weeks in, their counselor, who had fewer compunctions, apparently, handed my brother a book and said, "This is a book about you and your mother." The title of the book was, Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists. (He gave me a copy of the book saying that I had to read it - that he had discovered the root of our family problems. He had forgotten that I had suggested the possibility to him months earlier, and he had dismissed me, replying that I always blamed our mother for my own problems. Part of the family system)

Sorry, I'm getting off track. So much for shortening the story.

Anyway, what we both learned was that some people, very early in life, around the age of three, for several possible reasons, never grasp the reality that they are separate people. Babies, apparently, are all born believing that they and their mothers are one entity, and it takes about three years for it to sink in that they are not. For some, this realization never happens, and they go through life believing, at a subconscious level, that they are real, but that all other people are simply their own projections - an inseparable part of themselves.

As a result, they believe they have the right to control these "other" people, and become expert manipulators. They tend to get by with it because many of them are also, in their ego-centrism, very charismatic. - like my mom and your friend. (I was told, think Richard Nixon.)

What you eventually learn is that you cannot change them or their beliefs and perspectives. You can only change the way you relate to them, which in some cases means having no relationship at all.

Breaking free is a difficult process, but it is usually the healthy choice.

11/10/2012

Ann..

You hit the nail on the head ! This person I was friends with is

excatly Narcisstic, even my sister-in-law said the same thing. No matter

what you told this friend it was I,I,I,I...You couldn't get a word in edge

wise , not even discuss your problems ! I remember several years ago

( I don't know if I told this story,) we were coming back from a Casino

I was sitting in the back her husband was driving and she was in the front

passenger seat whinning constantly, finally I couldn't stand it anymore and

and said out loud: " Now I know why husbands either kill their wives or turn

gay, it's because of a woman like you !" Her husband looked at me through

the mirror and smiled , she kept on whinning, never phased her ! She has a

cunning way to get you to do things for her, she will manipulate and try to

change your thinking to her way. When I moved to another apt. she helped

but her help was trying to tell me how to decorate my apt., I was pissed and

I told her who's apt. is this yours or mine, it's my house. I remember one time

I told her , fatal mistake that my sistyer-in-law upstate NY told me I should

move closer to them, fatal error telling this friend, all I got from her was that

my sister-in-law is a stupid bitch, she wanted to control me, you name it she

said it, bang went the phone. So I may at times feel bad but I say to myself

you never want to get into that trap again, ever, I'm a free 64 year old

grown up who knows how to make his decisions. I remember My Mother she

was controlling but I was the rebel, she use to tell me ( at age 36) you belong

in Brooklyn near your mother, I would yes her to death and hang up...So we

all learn and with the grace of God see the light and correct the situation..



Cheers.......Joe...

Joe, I'm sure you've heard that old saying: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Learning about the reality of her condition, and working with it for a long time, finally helped me to see that it was not about blame or shame. It was just our family's reality.

Once we get that we are not supposed to accept responsibility for other people in our lives, it becomes easy to accept responsibility for ourselves and move on.

Detaching, letting go, and moving on can lead to a deep sense of joy that isn't affected by transitory situations of grief and sadness - or even anger.

Just Annie.

11/10/2012

Ann..

You are correct and full of wisdom !

We all have to learn from our mistakes

and past and grow and yes feel free

as an angel..........

Cheers..Joe...

"How to be happy!"

Live everyday as if it were to be your last!

Consider everyday on top of the dirt to be the best day of your life!

You've all seen the motto in my signature block concerning NEVER HAD A BAD DAY, I borrowed that
from my best friend some fifty years ago. Our fire team had been ambushed and Jimmy was hit four times
and before we could drag him to cover a grenade went off shredding him with shrapnel. He was medevaced
to Tokyo. It was a month later when I could finally get leave and was able to go to Tokyo and see him. When
I walked into the ward and saw him with all the tubes and wires still sticking out of him I wanted to cry. This
was one of the toughest guys I ever knew and there he lay...looking completely helpless. I forced a smile and
yelled, "Hey Jimmy, how ya doing?" His response, "Never had a bad day in my life, some just turn out better than others!"
Followed by a few expletive names he called me. Right then and there I decided if he could have that outlook in the shape he was in, I would try to never have an excuse to believe otherwise, I've used it and tried to live it ever since!

Don't let another person bring you down...don't even interact with negative people...avoid them...period! Life is too short
to waste time on them!

JMHO

I don't allow unhappiness in.

What Don said.
In my view, people who pursue happiness never find it. They should first define what happiness is for them. It is not the same for everyone.
I think contentment is a good ingredient for being happy. Pursuing happiness can mean that one is not happy with their present circumstance. Thinking the grass is greener elsewhere can lead to more unhappiness when it is discovered that things are not better - just different.

I believe the term "happiness" is similar to the words "like" and "love". Do you like someone or love someone? We may not like what our children do, but we can still love them.

I take those terms seriously. When I hear them thrown around without meaning I can't trust the seriousness of the person. "Love ya" is often a substitution for the word "good bye".
So how does that relate to being happy? You hear people say, "That makes me happy". Do they really mean happiness or do they mean it satisfies me? Is it a temporary condition or long lasting? Understanding what someone means by what they say takes getting to know the person.
"Don't worry, be Happy" is the lyrics to a song. Being happy is a state of mind. Being rich is also a state of mind. Doing the things that cause contentment may bring happiness. Being satisfied with what you have is another form of happiness. Not being satisfied may be a major cause of unhappiness.
Just my way of thinking.

Great post, Abe; good points

I would add that the word "love" is a complicated one, with several different meanings. C.S. Lewis' book, The Four Loves, provides one set of definitions that works. Wikipedia has an article summarizing that work here.

He gives us the words in Greek, but with English translations: storge, or affectionate love; philia, or friendly love; eros, or romantic love; and agape, or unconditional love.

Affectionate love becomes a form of the emotion that we often refer to as "like."

He also takes time to explain the difference between eros "love" and "lust," pointing out that eros is not about sexuality so much as an emotional bonding between two people. Jung talked about anima and animus as the functions of our personalities that are contrasexual to our gender. Every man has an anima, or female side, and every woman an animus, and that we tend to develop strong bonds of emotional love (eros) for those who are most like our own "other gender" selves.That emotional longing for our "other half" is what leads us into an "erotic" attachment, the hieros gamos or coniunctio oppositorium (conjunction of opposites) that is sometimes called "sacred marriage." (Please excuse the plug for my own work.)

Unconditional love, or agape, is best understood as the love of parent for child, as you described. It is also the form of love that our Source has for its creations, and as such, is the feeling we should strive toward as one human to another, since we are all creations of that one loving Source. (Note, I wrote "strive to.")

Lewis give the forms a hierarchy, but I don't see one form of love as being better than another, just different.

The article also mentions something called "need love," saying that it is like the love of a child for its parents. I would add that until recently, that form of love too often included the dependent "need" of a wife for a husband. Fortunately, that element of need is no longer a part of eros, or romantic love, as women are moving toward equality and right to have a career and a meaning for their own lives beyond that of wife and mother - a situation that creates a healthier marriage where that romantic love can grow and sustain itself. Love and dependence are not only not the same, they are antithetical.

Just me.

You are too deep for me in your excellent posts. For me, happiness is vignettes of joy. It is a moment in time or multiple moments when the soul smiles and the brain emits the chemicals that give a feeling of well-being.

Some people have dispositions that lend to longer periods of these vignettes of joy. Others are lacking in the right brain chemistry to sustain vignettes of joy for very long and may need help with those chemicals.

Certainly an intellectual approach to seeking the positive can make a surface difference; however nature and nurturing play a role as well. Cultures vary in their ability to find and express happiness. All the differences that divide us play a role in happiness.

It gets as basic as lifestye - the rest we get - the foods we eat - exercise - the meaningful work - supportive friends and relatives - financial status - family size - religious affiliation -

Therefore, I go back to my original premise - happiness is vignettes of joy. Increasing the number and duration is a worthwhile endeavor

Quote :

Certainly an intellectual approach to seeking the positive can make a surface difference; however nature and nurturing play a role as well. Cultures vary in their ability to find and express happiness. All the differences that divide us play a role in happiness.

I agree totally, DK.

When the mind and the heart are not in balance, our differences can divide us. It is the heart that accepts difference as a positive quality. Diversity then becomes a source for those vignettes to "[increase in] number and duration."

Good point.

Great tips, all.

What Alice said.

Happiness is a state of mind. Just flip the switch and be happy. If that doesn't work, appreciate the simple pleasure life offers, and practice gratitude. And if that doesn't work, jump up and down for 30-seconds.

Bruno,

Thank you --great advice and I like the way you dive into things. Welcome!