A Bad Day at the Falls of the Cuyahoga

Some days it doesn't pay to roll out of bed in the morning. June 18 started out OK but it has been all downhill since my first sip of Irish Breakfast Tea. With Jackie away shopping I did the thing I hate most, answered the telephone. It was my step-daughter in Indiana saying her husband was in the hospital for a heart cauterization - a word I can't spell and am not about to look up.
Then Jackie fell as she was about to enter our building's back door. A cut finger was the worst of the damage, although she did hit her mouth on the pavement, but hearing about it shook me up. I'm the one who is supposed to fall, not her. If there is one thing an old infantryman knows it is how to hit the dirt - and it's not face-first.
I couldn't settle to work after that so I checked some sales figures. A book I did on the Normandy invasion ranks 39th of the 24,689 books released by the publisher. This was annoying because at one time it was 15th on the list. On the other hand, when I checked a few months ago it was 127th.
Then I looked at the Amazon Shorts. These are short stories selling for 49 cents. The writer gets 20 cents for each sale so it is not a get-rich-quick scheme. I have five short stories there, all ones that no one else would buy. With them is one of leftover chapters from the Normandy book. It ranks 726th out of 3,559, hardly a noteworthy feat. At number 728 is the first of the short stories, The Old School Yell.
Ahead of my stories are such classics as How to Make Love Like a Zombie and Me and My Bitch. Then there is one by someone named Lauren Baratz-Logsted. Talk about adding insult to injury.
I did, however, finish ahead of 108 Plain Lame Pick-up Lines. That's nothing; in my youthful days I could have supplied the writer with twice that many.
But I wonder who buys these things, including my six that have the selling power of ice at the arctic circle. Some of the leading mystery writers in the country fare as badly or even worse than I do - full-time novelists like John Lutz, Ed Gorman and Linda Barnes. Leading short story writers such as O'Neil De Noux and John M. Floyd. There are others, too.
So if it isn't fame that sells them, what is it? Don't ask me because I'm having a bad day and there are still eight hours until bedtime.

Hi Dick:
I don't suppose that you'd consider giving up writing? No, I wouldn't either. I can't claim a best-seller yet, and the on-line sales numbers are discouraging, but the copies of my books handed out to family and friends get rave reviews. I think they just like the price. I have an author friend who brags that he never reads fiction, but he would be extremely hurt if I did not comp him on my novels. I do lay claim to being internationally published though--freebies go to friends in England, South Africa, Australia and Kentucky.

Jim Woods
www.ultrasw.com/jwoods

Ah Dick, the day that things are going like sh!* is probably not the day to check for stats, just in case you were wondering. You're such a glutton for punishment, and now you're teaching all the younsters (well, Gordon is a youngster) bad habits.
Buck up soldier, and remember it could be worse. We could all be living in a flood/fire/bug infested zone.
I am perplexed by authors who don't read our stuff and yet want copies, as you mentioned Jim. I had a friend of mine helping me with some promo stuff when I published my novel and she made me promise not to give friends or family free books. The only comp books I sent out were review copies. Harsh wasn't it? My whole readership of 225 close friends and family had to buy their copy, except that I did give a copy to each of my daughters when my friend wasn't looking. They haven't read the book yet either, little blighters (mom writing a novel with a sex scene somehow doesn't motivate young adults to read it--who'd have thought?) but they did like the dedication. I made them read it before I let them eat supper one night.

Sorry to hear about Jackie and I'm sure that did shake you up. I think your attention to the stats was to keep your mind on things other than injuries or family problems.
Just think Dick, if writing was not your profession it would have been your hobby. And without that as a hobby, what would you do? Buy another hampster?

Then there's the relative who bought one of my books. She emailed me
after reading it, telling me how much she enjoyed it. Then she told me
that she had loaned it out to another family member, who loaned it to
another family member, who loaned it...

Best I can determine I made one sale that got read by at least 20
family members - and that was supposed to make me feel really good.
Well, it did, but what would made me feel even better was for all those
relatives to BUY their own copy!

The comp copies that I do distribute are entered in my business expenses ledger for income taxes purposes as promo or review copies, and at list price. JIM

Send my regards and best wishes to Jackie for a speedy recovery. Pam is right to look on the bright side. A few years ago, my mother fell and broke her wrist. So, Jackie had a lucky escape.

Three years ago, my father received a similar phone call to say that my cousin's husband had died from a heart attack. My cousin found him in the garden shed. He was sixty-two. His mother was still alive and didn't die until the following year aged ninety-seven. I hope your son-in-law has a better outcome.

... and then there are the sales figures. Well, they could be worse. I can't think how ... ... only kidding! Look at it this way. Drat, can't think of a good way of looking at it.

I'll try again. Oh, I know. You could be like me and have a video out that has been viewed thousands of times and downloaded tens of times that hasn't produced a single sale. I feel like an IT girl. In the UK, IT girls are famous for who they are and not for anything they have accomplished.

Compared to me, you're doing very well. This fame thing isn't up to much.

A video of me, Shelagh? That should kill sales immediately. Of course I could hire you to do my video.

But Jim, you missed West Virginia. Or West-By God as folks who come to Akron from there call it.
I never give out free copies, not even to Jackie until she threatens to withhold supper. Maybe I should follow Brew's example because he became a celebrity in his own family by giving away a single copy. Didn't do a lot for sales, though.

My cousin bought the first copy, Dick. But I sold it to her at my cost.
My gripe was that she thought I would be pleased that the others
cousins had read it. I knew if I gave away a single copy then everyone
would want a free one—and I got a bunch of cousins...

Dick, I am really glad Jackie's fall wasn't worse.

As far as giving books away: does it help build a readership or a fan base? I have wondered about that. I should think that people who enjoyed one book would be more likely to buy a 2nd one.

I gave my mother a copy, and she promptly loaned it out. Never again, I think. Everyone else has shown their support by buying one.

I think the sexy titles are the ones people are most likely to buy on the shorts program, Dick!

I hope your day got better as it went along!

You're right, Zada. If instead of The Old School Yell I had called it The Old School Sex it probably would be No. 1. A lot of people would have been surprised, though.

Since I wrote these, I haven't looked since, so Dick you're doing better than I am




In an extremely tongue in cheek mode,
invoking John McEnroe, 'You can not be serious!' 'Correct John!'....Dooby Dooby
Doo..in approximate 12 bar blues, with wailing guitars, mournful harmonicas and
heart tugging harp......everybody sing......

I got ma royalty
cheque, twas in the mail today
I couldn't wait
to open it and then I began to pray

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

I took it to my
bank yeh, they laughed at what they saw
You wanna pay
this in man,
Just then I knew the score

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

So where's ma
fame and fortune, It certainly ain't here
'Cos with my royalty cheque ya know
I can hardly buy a beer

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

But then I do not drink beer,
I'd rather have me tea
The banker he looked at ma cheque
And then he went tee-hee

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

But I'm a published author
PA they saw to that
Now my words they are in print
I'm prouder than a cat!

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

I know some people bought ma book,
My words they will have read
I guess I won't be famous
'Till I'm a long time dead

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

But if I add them up yeh,
My royalty cheques the three
I think I might have just enough
To buy a cup of tea!

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

So to the PA authors
Who recently got their cheques
If we pool them all together
We'd all sing you can bet

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

If you got double digits,
Well best of luck to you
Will you tell all
your secrets
How we can do it too?

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

I could go on forever
Immortalised in print
But still I gotta problem
You see I'm really skint
(BritSlang: no money!)

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

I'm still a PA author
And will be 'till I die
He's a published author
Says the spirit in the sky

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

Not all can ever say this,
But we say out loud
I am a published author,
PA you done us proud

No double digits,
uh! no double digits
Man oh Girl I got
the royalty blues

Hey maybe we can all sing this at the PA No-Lolly-Alla-Palooza Jamboree!
Sorry, had to stop, me g-string's bust!!!!!

On me guitar! What were you thinking??????????

http://starburst689.fortunecity.com

and as far as scamazon

Approximate
12 bar blues, with wailing steel guitars, mourneful harmonicas and
heartfelt vocals....btw I can't even play the guitar, I'm a drummer!

I looked upon the web I did
To see what I could see
I went to look at Amazon
And saw what amazed me!

Now I don't got a lot of cash
There ain't much coming in
I went to see my bank today
And they looked pretty grim!

I said, 'But Hey! I got some news,
It might just drive you spare,
But if you look on Amazon,
I am a trillionaire!'

As I once wrote, it's in my book
It's there for all to see
I may not have a lot of money
But, my wealth resides in me!

Well, it has to , my rating on Amazon is.....

wait for it.....ya ready?????

Amazon.com Sales Rank:
#3,237,995 !!!

seems I got a tad of a way to go for the Times best seller
list, don't ya think?

Neat, Rainbow. Like 'em both.

It has been several days now, Dick. I hope your days have gotten steadily better than last Wednesday! For Jackie too.

Dick Stodghill wrote:

Neat, Rainbow. Like 'em both.

Thanks Dick much appreciated:thank you:

Sue that gives a whole pack of meaning to the expression that's something like "you can pick your friends, but not your family."

It's funny the reaction that people have to the "self-help" genre of books, but you know that it has a lot to do with their personal state of awareness. Did you know that 80% of the self-help books out there are written by men but purchased and read by women?

It can hurt when we shift our own awareness beyond the reality of our families or friends, but it's a loss that they choose, right?

Ah family. Can't live with 'em, can't be born without 'em. Or something like that.

Being the black sheep of my family, long story, I had lost touch with my kids, my son is in Dubai doing light shows for the sheiks and my daughter is down under in Aussieland. A while back my kids did get in touch and we seemed to sort out the fact of my leaving my first wife many moons ago. I sent each of them a copy of my first book. Not a word from my son. My daughter said a few of her friends read it and liked it, but naturally none bought it.

When I sent out an email mail to a large list I used to send regular updates to about my adventures in the Colonies, which may be new books sometime, I got a reply from my daughter.

No Hi Dad, no love xxxxxx, but simply,

'So do I get a free copy again???'

That's all she wrote! Quite frankly I am a tad loathe to send my new book after that perfunctory message. Families? You can keep them!

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Wow, Sue, that entire episode was a real bummer for you, especially your mother's comment. Too bad.
You too, Rainbow. Pam's remark about choosing family was dead on target.

Dick Stodghill wrote:

Wow, Sue, that entire episode was a real bummer for you, especially your mother's comment. Too bad.
You too, Rainbow. Pam's remark about choosing family was dead on target.

Thanks Dick and yes Sue's remark was dead on

I gave Dick's book to some of my family for Christmas and they liked it. Some even loaned it out to other people.

Carol

Thank you, Carol.

The only one I gave away was to my mother, who was not overjoyed at having read it, but everyone else in my family (of those who purchased it) gave it high praise. That would be my female relatives. (Siblings, nieces, cousins.) Friends had to purchase a copy, and all have raved. One friend even said "Wow! I didn't know you could write like that."

I think that it is more appreciated by those who purchase, as they actually have an interest in reading that genre.

I suppose we all have some of those stories to tell. On the back cover of my book I mention my "insular" upbringing. When my brother read that he stated that he would not read my book since I had proclaimed to the world that my mother was "narrow-minded."
That fact is, she was. I was simply stating the truth. That doesn't mean I didn't love her. Anyway, it gave him an excuse not to buy.

Concerning Dick's book. Recently a vistor from Florida was in my German village to attend her cousin's birthday party. She was the widow of a Navy commander. She was looking for a book in English to read and I gave her Dick Stodghill's book. She loved it and said that she wanted her two sons to read it and that she would purchase it when she returned to the states.

Dick's book is not just good but I consider it a great book. It is the most honest story about WWII that I have ever read. He did not write it to glorify war but to tell it like it was, and he succeeded brilliantly.
I also wish to state that I am honored to be considered his friend.