King of Princes

Hi Guys and Dolls
I've revised the first chapter of my book and have posted it under "First Chapters - King of Princes - First Chapter Revised"
As this is my first book, please, please, please let me have some practical criticism. I am axious to improve, I do know I have a long way to go.
It will help me tremendously to have your expert opinions.
If you think your opinion will be too harsh to publish, please use the private message system
I will be very pleased to have your opinions good or bad, I need help......
luigie
P.S. ooops It is a historical romantic novel about Henry vii (born Harri Tudur in Pembroke, South Wales in 1457AD).

Hi Llew,

I have updated the forum Newsletter and sent a message to all 394 members. If one or two visit the forum, with any luck --- seems like you need some -- a few kind souls will offer some feedback.

Hi Shelagh
Thanks!
luigie

Hi All
I've had one response to my appeal. Please can I have a few more crit's....
http://www.publishedauthors.org/first-chapters-f12/king-of-princes-first-chapter-revised-t3747.htm
Best regards,
Luigie

Llew,

It is Thanksgiving tomorrow and not a good time for replies on message boards! Maybe some kind folk will respond in a couple of days.

Luigie, You have a good style; write like you think. Don't try to write like a writer.
Example: he had been imprisioned NEAR ON two years.

No one talks like that. Better would be..."He had lost count of the years in the stink of prision."

Make the reader hear sounds..."WOOP."
Make the reader smell the stink..."The stink had the smell of acid...he gave up what he had eaten. It came out his mouth...it came out his nose."

Don't just use a comma...give the reader a break. Use these;

, ; ...

Paint color in your words; but, use simple words...every day words, words that fit your characters.

Cut every word that does not help the story.

The golden rule is...SHOW, DON'T TELL.

Hi domenic Pappalardo
Thank you for your comment, very much appreciated.
I have finished the book; my wife and I are editing it and have completed about 40%.
I'll take your comments on board and go back and have a quick re- read.
Best regards
Luigie

Hi All
I know that you have all been busy with Thanksgiving, is it now possible for some more practical criticisms on my first chapter:
http://www.publishedauthors.org/first-chapters-f12/king-of-princes-first-chapter-revised-t3747.htm
Thanks in anticipation,
Luigie

Hi All
Editing is the pits!
My wife and I still have 100 pages to edit before 'King of Princes' goes to the WBC for Manuscript Appraisal. I will have to give her special vote of thanks in my Author's notes as she really has made my book come alive.