Golden Anniversary Celebration

LOCAL COUPLE CELEBRATES 50^TH
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

Maude and Floyd Daddammit of Squirrel Ridge recently celebrated their Golden Wedding Anniversary with a family reunion at McAndrew Park. Maude and Floyd have only been married 31 years but Floyd has been really sick for the past month, and Maude didn’t want to take any chances on missing a great cake and a lot of wonderful gifts.

Unfortunately, Gene Claude Daddammit, Maude and Floyd's only child, was injured when his hair caught fire during last weeks welding exhibition at the Vo Tec and was unable to attend the anniversary party.

Gene Claude sent his mother a very expensive faux mink coat, explaining that the reason these coats are so expensive is because it's so hard to trap faux minks. He said he actually wanted to send a five mink coat, but a faux was as high a number as he could find at the local hardware store. He sent his dad a crowbar, and a quart of white whiskey to stock it with.

Our congratulations go out to this fine Cottondale couple and 19 years from today, if Floyd survives, we'll run another feature on their second 50th anniversary party.

Story courtesy of the Cottondale Daily News

COTTONDALE WOMAN HIT BY ERRANT LASER

Mary Joe Duck had no idea that someone had shot her with a laser until she had an x-ray made at the East Crest emergency room last night.

She has experienced very bad headaches for several days, and even Cottondale’s best doctors were baffled as they tried every medical test known to man to determine the reason. Luckily, Doctor Ima Ripper, a local brain surgeon and junk yard owner, decided to have x-rays made, and now says they’re almost sure they be able to cure Mary Joe, maybe. A case of laser head was diagnosed in Arkansas late last year when Dr. Ripper was interning at a Little Rock hospital, and she recognized the symptoms from her experience there.

Dr. Ripper thinks that perhaps some aluminum foil implants just behind and above Mary Joe’s ear may prevent another such incident from happening, and the surgery is scheduled for the middle of the summer. Because she has no health or aluminum insurance, Ms. Duck to bring her box of foil, which has been donated by Woodrow’s Nothing Over A Dollar Store. We will print more of Ms Duck’s story as soon as the facts are in.

COTTONDALE’S OLDEST RESIDENT DIES

Granny Annie Scooper, Cottondale’s Oldest Citizen, passed away last night at 168 years of age, from complications that remained from the birth of her last child. Kent Scooper was born when Granny Annie was 122. Kent has never gotten over the trauma of being the child of the oldest person in the world, saying it has really complicated his life.

Authorities believe that is the reason he shot Granny Annie last night. Kent says he accidentally stumbled into her bedroom and found her locked in the arms of 19 years old Stillwater Smith, and went on to say that he is not prepared to help her thorough another unwanted pregnancy, and didn’t really want a younger brother or sister.

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COTTONDALE ANNUAL DRAG RACE

The sixth annual drag racing event is scheduled for this weekend on Main Street in downtown Cottondale. Hollywood stars have already begun to show up and have asked to be paired with members of the freshman class of Cottondale City College.

Last years winner, Lady Rondell Fletcher, has also signed up for this year’s race, and is a strong local favorite. Rondell, or “Lady” as he prefers to be called, today announced that all winnings will be donated to the local chapter of “Toys For Boys” which of course is a Cottondale tradition.

Elmer “Marissa” Jones, another top candidate, has plans to sell her dress and shoe collection to benefit the local chapter of the IDC. (Institute for Destitute Crossdressers)

Tim Cruiser, dressed to the nines in his splendid race attire, had no comment, other than to say that he sincerely hoped no young man tripped and fell in front of him.

C’mon out, everybody, and watch the drag queens run as they’ve never run before.

Advertisemtns it the Cottondale Daily News
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COTTONDALE’S BEST STOCKED AQUARIUM

For all of your fishy needs, Visit “We Be Sharks And Stuff” If it swims and you want it, we’ve either got it or we’ll get it. Angelfish? No problem! Guppies? Yessir! Piranha? Our head Aquamanager, Two Fingers Harry, will be glad to dip out a few for you! C’mon down for your fishes today! Or call our toll free number today!

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CAJUN PIERRE’S RENT A GATOR EMPORIUM

Neighbors pit bull got you worried? Any small pigs running loose in your neighborhood? How about those screaming, disrespectful kids that play in your yard at all times of the day and night? Wanna do something about these things, but don’t know what?

The solution is “Pierre’s Rent A Gator!” C’mon down and lease yourself a 16 to 20 foot live alligator for a few weeks and all of your troubles will be over. Reasonable prices, and a size for every need. Come in today!

I’d just like to say congratulations to Edna and Jimmy Pirtle for winning first place in Cottondale’s Annual Sack Race. With a record setting number of entries this year, finishing first was a special accomplishment. It isn’t easy to cross all eight lanes of I-40 three times as quick as you can in Knoxville on a game day, but Edna and Jimmy seemed to negotiate it quite well. I thought for sure they were in trouble when the judges tied the sacks over their heads and pushed them out into the traffic, but they managed to cope really well. The only time they were even close to getting hurt was when that Wal-Mart tractor trailer driver clipped Edna with his left rear view mirror. But Jimmy yanked her back just in time. Five other contestants weren’t quite so lucky however, as they were killed by tiny foreign cars as they made their second lap.

Congratulations, Edna and Jimmy Pirtle on a race well run.

If I see Lonnie Abbott in my backyard again chasing my goats, I’m gonna plum blow his ass off. I’ve got a twelve gauge shotgun loaded with double aught buck and they won’t be enough left of that sumbitchs carcass to make barbeque out of.

Lonnie, I’ve told you over and over to leave my goats alone, and now I’m through talking.

I’m really gittin tard of these dam furinners movin to Cottondale and tryin to tell us how to drive. Fer some reason they expect us to come to a complete stop at one of them dam little ole red signs. I don’t even know why they put up them signs anyway! And ever body knows you pull up to a four way stop, slow down a little, and then sneak through as quick as you can. If you stop, then you got a right to go, and ever body in Cottondale knows it. I’m writin this to tell all of them to go the hell back where they come from. I know fer a fact that some of them is illegal aliens, cause I seen a license plate on one of from New Mexico. Send them illegal furinners home! Most of them is Yankees anyway.