Marriage

Years ago, marriage was expected as the norm. Divorce was permitted in the case of adultery. Then it became fashionable when stars in Hollywood were able to divorce for “incompatibility.”
In our modern era, except for wanting a family, what reason do people have for getting married? Tax purposes? Do people need a certificate to legitimize love?

I think it has been long accepted that a marriage contract gives both partners rights they would not have if they remained unmarried (gay marriages are on the rise). With the cost of divorce so great and more than one in three marriages failing, many couples choose to live together for several years before they marry. Nothing to do with love; everything to do with avoiding disputes over who owns what.

I think marriages "wax and wane." I like the lilac bush analogy I read once, where in the fall they look dead but really aren't and return in full bloom the next spring. We've had a few winters in our long term marriage, but the full bloom has always returned.

We've been married 49 years and still learning about each other. We have both changed and stayed the same over those years. We've grown and evolved and through it all stayed together. We've also had separate lives, and never been "attached at the hip." But those separate lives have been honorable and have included separate friends, jobs, money and interests. We do have separate possessions, so looking at marriage in lieu of possessions to be divided up at divorce sounds strange to me.

In the past months, without my husband, I would have had to go to a nursing home. He has more than made up for any faults over the years. He has pushed me in wheel chairs, lifted me out of various places, and driven me wherever I had to go among many other things. Now that I am more able, he is sometimes torn between feeling bad I am not needing him as much and pushing me to be my usual independent self. He has suggested I drive today since the roads are clear after our above freezing temps the last few days! I haven't driven in six months, but it is sort of like getting back on the horse after a fall..

Carol

Why get married? Well, let's see. Someone to cook the meals, scrub the floor, wash the clothes, shovel the snow, tend to your every need.
To this, Jackie would say, "Dream on."

As Shelagh said it makes two people legal in the governments eye and opens them up to all the benefits such as insurance etc.

Marriage makes its true attractions felt as people move towards old age. Until then, it is commonly seen as a millstone and a burden. When you grow old and the facial attraction has disappeared with arthritis, back pain, dick cancer, etc...remaining, your loyal husband/wife is going to be the one more likely to stick around you to look after you.

If you haven't managed to secure a marriage contract with someone by that time, your life will be on uncertain grounds.

I have seen quite a few people in this boat, and they do feel very lonely and have deep regrets.

Ahad,



Carol

We are really good friends. Sometimes in the past, life got in the way, but spending all day every day together has made us the best of friends. Of course, without the love, it could have made us enemies!

Carol

When Bill and I married, he was 25 and I was barely 20. He and his father were established in the family buisness; I dropped out of college. He had a very clear picture of what he wanted from life and how to go about getting it. I had no idea who I was, or even that I ought to be anybody other than someone's wife and eventually mother.

Over the 14 years we were married, we had three amazing children, and I wanted to be the best mother I could be, so I read everything I could find about mothering, and that lead me into reading about psychology, and that lead me to believe I was a person, in my own right. The more I read, the more I journaled, the more I saw a different world from the one I grew up in, and the more I wanted to be a part of that world.

Bill thought he had married this pretty, pliable child. I grew up to be a very different woman. Neither of us was particularly happy in the relationship. I thought we should put the children and their needs first. He went along with that until he hit his late 30's. His mid-life crisis was complicated by his realization that he had been living the life his father wanted for him. I had become so involved with mothering and books and writing that I didn't see it coming. He was never able to make the break from his father. He even had a job offering in San Diego, and I had hoped he would take it, but in the end, he decided his father needed him. His resentment turned toward me. I became the reason for his unhappiness. Still, I was in shock when he said he wanted a divorce. I tried to fight it, but at that point in my life, I wasn't strong enough. I had never been independent. I had relied first on my father, then on him.

I considered a nervous breakdown, but knew the children needed me, so I went back to school instead. As soon as I had my degree and teaching certificate, I moved us to Houston, where I found myself. Between mothering, teaching, and housekeeping, I had little time to date anyone seriously, and once my daughters entereed their teens, I felt I had to set an example for them. What might be OK for a woman of 40 was not for girls of 13 and 15, and they were not yet old enough to make that distinction. By the time they left home for college, I had become firmly entrenched in my independence. Besides, about that same time, my own mother became a child again, and I became her caretaker. At any rate, I never remarried. My one experience with the institution had failed, and I saw no reason to try again. These days, I sometimes wonder if that was a mistake, but there's no point in looking backwards. I am who I am, whose life experiences shaped me into being. And over all, I've decided she ain't so bad.

Marriage is a responsibility that has to be tended by both people involved if it is to succeed. Divorce has become too easy. Too many people today do not have a strong sense of the value of commitment. My story is only one example, but I don't think it is isolated. I think it is probably typical of the circumstances that have led us all here, where this discussion would be considered important.

I did learn an interesting tidbit a month or so ago. My daughter and her husband were discussing the fact that his current job could take him from SA, perhaps to San Diego. She told me that when she told her father, his voice got unusually emotional as he told her that if she got the chance to move there, she should take it, that he once had the chance, and has regretted that he did not.

Ann

My husband is my very best friend.

My life without him would be most bleak.
I am so glad we got and stayed marrried.

I lost my independence in middle age--I'd have been in a bind as a single person.

Probably would be on the streets.

Ann,

Thank you for your story. Our lives have been different, but so many of the feelings have been the same.

Alice,

I think being independent is necessary for an airline pilot's wife. Sometimes I was a single mom making all the decisions. I prefer being together, although I have pride in my being able to care for myself and my family alone. I didn't like it though.

I think, you and your husband, like my husband and I, are interdependent on each other, not one over the other, but in a relationship of choosing to be together and helping each other when needed in a loving way.

I feel so fortunate to have someone like I do.

I am independent by nature and because my mother raised me that way, although her love affair with my father, who she was married to for 59 years was the most wonderful I have ever known. Oh, I learned so much from that woman! She always said to me, "Don't just get married." It took me a long time to really understand that statement.

Love, Carol

Alice,

You are a strong woman with a lot of moxie. You would not be on the streets. Sometimes life puts some of us into situations where an independent spirit develops. If that had been your situation, you, being you, would have coped with it quite well. You would have become a different version of you - not better or worse, just different. I am selfishly glad that did not happen, as I like you just the way you are.

Carol,

Yes, from the beginning of our correspondences I have known we were kindred spirits, in spite of our different experiences.

Ann

I think everyone touched in part on my own feelings about marriage. In May, I will be married for 48 years. I must admit, that if it wasn't for the children, we would have parted ways.
My wife did most of the work raising the children since I was away from home a lot. When I did come home, it was an imposition on the family routine. To try to do my duty as a father often conflicted with rules laid down by my wife. And, since I ate out most of the time, I wanted a home cooked meal and she wanted to go out.
I think the worst part was for my wife. She couldn't have a career of her own. Every time I was transferred, she had to give up her job. When she was attending Penn State University, she had to give up her studies when I was sent to Germany. Did she have reason for resentment? Of course.
Now that those days are past, companionship is cherished as Carol mentioned. I can't imagine being alone.
Is marriage for everyone? I don't think so. It requires adjustment and compromise. Today many career women don't want a family and marriage can be either a convenience or an obstacle. If there is true love, many problems can be overcome. We were our happiest together when we were the poorest. With money, our relationship suffered.

There are some who are so wrapped up in their careers or studies that they don’t have time for relationships. And once they are ready, the perfect match is no longer available.
An example is my son. Girls falling all over him and he took little notice. He was so wrapped up in his studies, getting his PhD, etc., that he didn’t take much notice to the girls attracted to him. Then when he decided it was time to start a family, he began looking. What did he find? Either those his age were already married or they had carriers of their own and didn’t want a family.
He’s still single.

Your son sounds like my Dave, Abe, but he luckily met an academic young woman who shared his views and interests. They are both tenured professors now, at the same university, and after 9 years of marriage, are about to have my first grandchild.

Ann

Abe,

You know when I met Gisela I knew from the beginning we had similar experiences in our adult lives. You said it like it was for married couples that had to spend time a part. Us wives would develop routines and rules when we had to make all those decisions and run a home by ourselves. Then our husbands would return and the routine would change, and if we were people that liked routine as I did, that would be disruptive. And I definitely can relate to a man returning after being away and wanting that fine home cooked meal, when going out to eat would have been fantastic.

And I believe Gisela also had skills to take care of a home and children on her own, but it is important for the returning husband to feel needed and have a role in the family. And that is a good thing. It is all balancing, and it is much easier to be together all the time, which is strange to say in some ways as I adapted to being by myself.

I did not like being completely alone while my husband was away after my children were grown, although it did mean on those days I could do exactly what I wanted. As a person I worked with said, "You can even eat popcorn for supper if you want." I did sometimes.

Sometimes I'd just spend extra time at work.

Carol

That's good Ann. I'm sure you're happy about that.

Carol,
it's only after we are older that we can see how our actions affected others. For some, it was too late, and that's sad.

Me again. I have to say that some airline pilots' wives have a hard time after their husbands retire. (I know I should say spouses and can hear my daughter reprimanding me for forgetting women can be pilots.)

Anyway, the wives had to have a life of their own to survive their marriages, and when that life ends it can be difficult. I first retired when my husband did, but found myself crying for no reason. Then circumstances took me back to work for a couple of years, after which being together was very nice.

And Abe. I think you are right that we now know how our actions affected our spouses, and I mean wives as well. Sometimes I'd just get angry at the disruption, at having to do things differently, that I had to be independent and then dependent.

Carol

Carol,

My sister-in-law solved that by going back to school. She is now a registered nurse, and she goes off to work each day while he stays home and cooks, etc.

Ann