Comedy

Why I’m divorced and  unemployed.
 
Written by a woman.  Enjoy!....
 
That morning. I went  downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy  Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.
 
As it turned  out, he barely said good morning, let alone  'Happy Birthday.’
 
I  thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will  remember.
 
My kids came  bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
 
So when I left for the  office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.
 
As I walked  into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and  by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least  someone had remembered.
 
I worked  until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a  beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out  to lunch, just you and me.'
 
I said,  'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's  go!'
 
We  went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a  quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I  enjoyed the meal tremendously.
 
On the way  back to the office, Rick said, 'It's such a beautiful day...we don't need  to go straight back to the office, do we?'
 
I responded,  'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
 
He said,  'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.
 
After  arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm  going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right  back.'
 
'Ok.' I  nervously replied.
 
He went into  the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge  birthday cake, followed by my husband , my kids, and dozens of  my friends and co -workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'
 
And I just  sat there....
 
on the  couch....
 
naked.
 
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After posting this I wasn't sure it should be posted as comedy.  It is rather sad and reveals how "assuming" can be very wrong.

Love it.

Yes. and to get someone's attention, it may require you to become annoying.

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[size=24]Would You Marry Again?
 
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question.... 

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?" 

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" 

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" 

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." 

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " 

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." 

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) 

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) 

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" 

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." 

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" 

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" 

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" 

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." 

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" 

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." 

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" 

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." 

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? 

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." 

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? 

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." 

WIFE: -- silence -- (with a stare!)

HUSBAND: 
"shit."[/size]

Love it.

Good one.

 A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
 
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the robber’s hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense minute of silence.

An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."

A hotel guest called the front desk, and the clerk answered, "May I help you?"

The guest said, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to the room right away. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out of the window."

The desk clerk said, "I'm sorry, Sir, but that's really a personal problem."

The guest replied, "Listen, Buddy, the window won't open, and that's a maintenance problem."

Thanks for the smile.

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00

I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size. "When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was
that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one
Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4
horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's
take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total
was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said,
'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar
bill back.

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to
repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said
'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker
of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people
doing driving?

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'our manager commented cheerfully,
'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't
understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha".

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the
name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this,
please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us......and they VOTE.

An old man was eating at a truck stop, minding his own business, when three dangerous-looking bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into his milk, and then took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate, and then took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid and left the diner.

One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Love all of those, Abe!

[size=24][size=24]https://www.youtube.com/embed/upEBdKFGlPg?rel=0[/size][/size]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%      
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is  perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'      
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.      
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' 


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'  
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'   
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'   
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'   


An elderly couple   had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.   
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a  new restaurant and it was really great.   .   . I would recommend it very highly.'   
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'   
The first man thought and thought and finally said,  'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?   
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'   
'Do you mean a rose?'   
'Yes, that's the one,'  replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'  

  
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he  didn't need my help to leave the hospital.   
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.   
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.   
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'   
 

Couple in their nineties   are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember   …   
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.   
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'   
'Sure..'   
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.   
'No, I can remember it.'  
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so  as not to forget it?'  
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'   
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.   
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'   
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,    The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 
'Where's my toast ?'   

A senior citizen   said to his eighty-year old buddy:   
'So I hear you're getting married?'   
'Yep!'   
'Do I know her?'   
'Nope!'   
'This  woman, is she good looking?'   
'Not really.'   
'Is she a good cook?'   
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'   
'Does she have lots of money?'   
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'   
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'   
'I don't know.'   
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'   
'Because she can still drive!'   

Three old guys   are out walking.   
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'   
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'   
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'   

A man   was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'   
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is  it?'   
'Twelve thirty..'  

  Morris   , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.   
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.   
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'   
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''   
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'   

And One more. . ..!  

   
A little old man   shuffled slowly into  an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool   …   After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.   
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'  
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

My husband was in the hospital dying.
I was sitting by his bedside the whole time.
In a very tired voice he said…”There’s something
I must confess to you.”
“Shhhh” I said.  “There’s nothing to confess. Everything’s
going to be alright.”
“No, I must die in peace.  I’m sorry, but I had sex with your sister,
your best friend, your cousin and your mother.”
“I know.” I whispered.  That’s why I poisoned you. 
Now close your eyes!”