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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Oct 19, 2013 9:43 am

Another good laugh.  Thanks.
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed Oct 23, 2013 10:50 pm

Men in Heven
    After everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,  "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for those who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.  
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
    The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
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Shelagh
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Oct 24, 2013 10:54 am

     

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dkchristi
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Oct 24, 2013 12:44 pm

Cute :-)Very Happy
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Nov 10, 2013 10:51 am

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

  THE BIBLE:
  AND GOD CAME DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS, AND HE SAID UNTO THE
  CHICKEN, THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD." AND THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE
  ROAD, AND THERE WAS  MUCH REJOICING"

  PAT BUCHANAN:
  TO STEAL A JOB FROM A DECENT, HARDWORKING AMERICAN.

  LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
  THE ROAD, YOU WILL SEE, REPRESENTS THE BLACK MAN.
  THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE "BLACK MAN" IN ORDER TO TRAMPLE HIM
  AND KEEP HIM DOWN.

  L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT:
  GIVE US FIVE MINUTES WITH THE CHICKEN AND WE'LL FIND OUT.

  BILL CLINTON:
  THE CHICKEN DID NOT CROSS THE ROAD. I REPEAT, THE CHICKEN
  DID NOT CROSS THE  ROAD.
   I DON'T KNOW ANY CHICKENS. I HAVE NEVER KNOWN ANY CHICKENS.


  DR. SEUSS:
  DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
  DID HE CROSS IT WITH A TOAD?
  YES! THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD,
  BUT WHY IT CROSSED,
  I'VE NOT BEEN TOLD!

  ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
  TO DIE. IN THE RAIN.

  MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
  I ENVISION A WORLD WHERE ALL CHICKENS WILL BE FREE TO CROSS
  ROADS WITHOUT  HAVING THEIR MOTIVES CALLED INTO QUESTION.

  GRANDPA:
  IN MY DAY, WE DIDN'T ASK WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD.
  SOMEONE TOLD US THAT THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD, AND THAT
  WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR  US.
[AMEN GRAMPS!]

  ARISTOTLE:
  IT IS THE NATURE OF CHICKENS TO CROSS THE ROAD.

  KARL MARX:
  IT WAS AN HISTORICAL INEVITABILITY.

  SADDAM HUSSEIN:
  THIS WAS AN UNPROVOKED ACT OF REBELLION AND WE WERE QUITE
  JUSTIFIED IN  DROPPING 50 TONS OF NERVE GAS ON IT.

  RONALD REAGAN:
  WHAT CHICKEN?

  CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
  TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO CHICKEN HAS GONE BEFORE.

  FOX MULDER:
  YOU SAW IT CROSS THE ROAD WITH YOUR OWN EYES. HOW MANY MORE
  CHICKENS  HAVE TO CROSS BEFORE YOU BELIEVE IT?

  BILL GATES:
  I HAVE JUST RELEASED CHICKEN COOP 98, WHICH WILL NOT ONLY  CROSS ROADS,  BUT WILL LAY EGGS, FILE YOUR IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS, AND  BALANCE YOUR CHECK BOOK
  --AND EXPLORER IS AN INEXTRICABLE PART OF THE OPERATING  SYSTEM.

  EINSTEIN:
  DID THE CHICKEN REALLY CROSS THE ROAD OR DID THE ROAD MOVE  BENEATH THE CHICKEN?

  BILL CLINTON, AGAIN:
  I DID NOT CROSS THE ROAD WITH THAT CHICKEN. HOWEVER, I DID
  ASK VERNON JORDAN TO  FIND THE CHICKEN A JOB IN NEW YORK.

  COLONEL SANDERS:
  I MISSED ONE?
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Nov 11, 2013 1:15 am

Why did the chicken cross the road?  I thought about this and imagined how some members on this forum might respond.  Here is what I imagined:
 
DK.  He crossed the road to get a better look at a Ghost Orchid.
 
Shelagh.  He crossed the road since he was Forever Traveling.
 
Don Stephens.  He crossed the road to avoid a fight, as is typical of a chicken.
 
Don Harpe.  Who gives a Shit why he crossed?
 
Alice:  He didn’t want to live in the Swamp
 
LC.  I’m too busy to think about such nonsense.
 
Ann.  Campbell says:  “All chickens feel the need to cross the road.”
 
Joe.  All chickens should be fried.  They don’t deserve to live.
 
Betty.  He was looking for a good home and I was on the other side of the road.
 
Victor.  He was migrating.
 
Dominique.  His religion required him to cross.
 
(Feel free to add more names and what you think they might say)
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Shelagh
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Nov 11, 2013 4:47 am

Abe crossed the road to get back to Beirut.

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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Nov 11, 2013 7:52 am

Shelagh, I don't think I would do that again.  Once was enough.
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Nov 11, 2013 10:49 am

Only joking, Abe.

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Don Stephens
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Nov 22, 2013 10:29 am


  Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
   I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
   A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
   Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
   Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
   My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
   My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
   Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
   As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
   Her theory was right.
   The parking lot was empty.
   I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,
   confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
   Then I made the most difficult call of all,"Honey," I stammered;  
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
   There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
   "Are you kidding' me", she barked, "I dropped you off"!!!
   Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,"Well, come and get me."
   She retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
  Yep, it's the golden years................


Last edited by Don Stephens on Fri Nov 22, 2013 11:59 am; edited 1 time in total
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Nov 22, 2013 10:51 am

Yep, those golden years can be embarrassing.  Good one Don.
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dkchristi
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Nov 22, 2013 11:18 am

I'm still laughing!!!  And the chicken crossing the road was pretty cute too!
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Dec 06, 2013 12:51 am

First Christmas Joke
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
 
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
 
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
 
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
 
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
 
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
 
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
 
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
 
  
 
 
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
 
And So The Christmas Season
Begins. . . . . .
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Dec 06, 2013 7:42 am

Laughing Laughing Laughing  Laughing Laughing Laughing 

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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Dec 13, 2013 2:19 am

My wife made a pact with God.  She said that she will clean the inside of the windows and he can clean the outside.  She cleaned the inside but is not pleased with God’s work on the outside.
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Don Stephens
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Dec 19, 2013 7:56 am

My friends, 
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a 'social session' out with friends. 

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before. I took a cab home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it! 
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Dec 19, 2013 8:08 am

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Dec 19, 2013 10:47 am

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing 

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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Jan 05, 2014 6:50 am

Hell, explained by an engineer.
The following is reputed to be an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
 
The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
 
Bonus question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
 
One student, however, wrote the following:
“First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate of which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
 
“Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect that the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
 
“This gives two possibilities:
1. Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate of which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2.  If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
 
So, which is it?
 
“If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you’, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has already frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct-leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being.  Which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, ‘Oh my God.”
 
Note: The student receive an A+
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed Jan 08, 2014 12:17 pm

*Paddy* *texts his wife...*
 
 
 
* “Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads. If I’m not back in
20 minutes, read this message again.*
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Jan 09, 2014 6:42 am

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their
ailments at the local coffee shop.
   
"My arms have got so
weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one
     
"Yes, I know," said
another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
     
"I couldn't even mark
an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a
third.
     
"What? Speak up! What?
I can't hear you” said one elderly lady
     
"I can't turn my head
because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded
weakly in agreement.
     
"My blood pressure
pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another
     
"I forget where I am,
and where I'm going," said another
     
"I guess that's the
price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his
head
     
The others nodded in
agreement
     
"Well, count your
Blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still
drive."
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Jan 09, 2014 10:15 am

Sounds like my dad's dad. People in Orange knew his car, and would practically drive up onto the sidewalk when they saw him coming.
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Jan 17, 2014 8:08 am

My brother-in-law told me about his Honeymoon at Niagara Falls.  He said that the couple in the next room were eating Candy Bars all night.  The girl kept shouting, “Oh Henry, Oh Henry.”
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Jan 25, 2014 12:40 am

A  police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,sir ."


The driver says,  "Goodness, officer, I had it on  cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


 
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have  cruise control"


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"



The wife smiles demurely and says,  "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"



The officer frowns and says,  'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '


The driver says,  'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '


The wife says,  "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,    ‘WILL  YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "


I love this part.......


"Only when he's been drinking."
 
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Mar 08, 2014 8:24 am

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothes and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”  A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, Iron this.”
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