| | Comedy | |
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+22Honey West mike bryon joefrank dmondeo Betty Fasig Don Stephens Dave Keating alj lin Shelagh Pam Brenda Hill alice JoElle Helen Wisocki Phil Whitley thehairymob zadaconnaway Malcolm A Ahad Dick Stodghill Abe F. March 26 posters | |
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alj Five Star Member
Number of posts : 9633 Registration date : 2008-12-05 Age : 80 Location : San Antonio
| Subject: Re: Comedy Sun Aug 28, 2011 5:19 am | |
| Ann |
| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Mon Aug 29, 2011 11:26 pm | |
| These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: getting laid ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.. |
| | | alice Five Star Member
Number of posts : 15672 Registration date : 2008-10-22 Age : 76 Location : Redmond, WA
| Subject: Re: Comedy Thu Sep 01, 2011 8:35 am | |
| Loved this, Abe. Alot of politicians are lawyers --no wonder we have problems. |
| | | Shelagh Admin
Number of posts : 12662 Registration date : 2008-01-11 Location : UK
| Subject: Re: Comedy Thu Sep 01, 2011 9:17 am | |
| Brain dead lawyers ... love it! |
| | | Al Stevens Five Star Member
Number of posts : 1727 Registration date : 2010-05-11 Location : Florida
| Subject: Re: Comedy Thu Sep 01, 2011 10:06 am | |
| I recently sellf-published this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Politically-Incorrect-Scripts-Comedy-Ventriloquists/dp/1463595921/
Took copies of the print edition to a convention and sold out. |
| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Fri Sep 02, 2011 11:31 pm | |
| YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN----c2011 EDITION 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. 3. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive. 5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. |
| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Sun Sep 04, 2011 9:18 am | |
| Betsy Woodward Due to a power outage, The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place spank him again |
| | | alice Five Star Member
Number of posts : 15672 Registration date : 2008-10-22 Age : 76 Location : Redmond, WA
| Subject: Re: Comedy Fri Sep 09, 2011 4:58 pm | |
| - Al Stevens wrote:
- I recently sellf-published this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Politically-Incorrect-Scripts-Comedy-Ventriloquists/dp/1463595921/
Took copies of the print edition to a convention and sold out. Very good--glad to hear it. Post it where people will see it |
| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:13 am | |
| A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine... 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward two feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for two to three miles. 27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it... they need a laugh, too!
Remember this! A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too. |
| | | alj Five Star Member
Number of posts : 9633 Registration date : 2008-12-05 Age : 80 Location : San Antonio
| Subject: Re: Comedy Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:50 am | |
| I remember more than once, being behind someone who was slowing down the line by such behavior. Funniest thing (comedy thread, right?) All of them were men.
Love ya, Abe.
Ann |
| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:01 pm | |
| I'm surprised that this got posted. When I copied and pasted, I realized that some may take offense and then deleted the post. Now I see it survived.
Hmmmmm. |
| | | alj Five Star Member
Number of posts : 9633 Registration date : 2008-12-05 Age : 80 Location : San Antonio
| Subject: Re: Comedy Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:09 pm | |
| Probably because it is funny, whether it is objectively accurate or not.
Ann |
| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:57 am | |
| A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS..............................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
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| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Wed Nov 09, 2011 1:31 pm | |
| Why Athletes don't have regular Jobs.
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at theUniversity of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye." |
| | | E. Don Harpe Five Star Member
Number of posts : 1979 Registration date : 2008-01-17 Age : 82 Location : Florida
| Subject: Re: Comedy Thu Nov 10, 2011 2:49 pm | |
| Abe, I just posted the one about the guy who wouldn't fix anything on FB. Hope you don't mind. |
| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Thu Nov 10, 2011 2:53 pm | |
| Not at all Don. I stole it from someone. It is flattery to have a post re-posted. |
| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Sun Nov 27, 2011 1:12 pm | |
| young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Wed Mar 14, 2012 8:56 am | |
| Rabbit season, duck season
A classic. |
| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Fri Jun 15, 2012 7:18 am | |
| Lying
The preacher told his congregation that the sermon for next Sunday would be about lying. He asked them to read Mark 17 and be prepared for the Sermon. The next Sunday the Preacher asked how many had read Mark 17, and most everyone raised their hands. He said, “You are all lying. There is no Mark 17.” |
| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:42 am | |
| In kindergarten the teacher talked about whales and how they didn’t attack humans. She explained that their throat was too small to swallow something that big. The little girl Suzy said, “Our pastor says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and the whale spit him out on a beach. The teacher couldn’t explain that. Suzy said, “When I get to heaven, I’m going to ask Jonah about that.” The teacher replied, “What if Jonah went to hell?” Suzy said, “Then you can ask him.” |
| | | Shelagh Admin
Number of posts : 12662 Registration date : 2008-01-11 Location : UK
| Subject: Re: Comedy Mon Jul 16, 2012 2:09 pm | |
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| | | dkchristi Five Star Member
Number of posts : 8594 Registration date : 2008-12-29 Location : Florida
| Subject: Re: Comedy Mon Jul 16, 2012 2:29 pm | |
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| | | spaceguy
Number of posts : 4 Registration date : 2012-07-19
| Subject: Re: Comedy Thu Jul 19, 2012 10:55 am | |
| Hillarious posts! If only more people saw the amusing side of life, wouldn't the world be a less stressful and a less tense place to live in? I think about today's Syrian crisis. Could it be they lack a good sense of humour? As funny as it may sound...... a battlefield could be pacified with good music and good humour |
| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Comedy Mon Nov 12, 2012 5:13 am | |
| A man is walking along the beach and kicks a metal object. He picks it up and rubs the sand away and a Genie appears. Genie says, "I will grant you one wish, whatever you want." The man says, "I've always wanted to go to Europe, but I don't want to fly or take a ship. I'd like to drive there" The Genie says, "That's a tough one. Building highways over water is difficult. Are you sure there's nothing else you want?" The man says, "I'd like to understand women." The Genie replies, "How many lanes would you like on the highway to Europe?" |
| | | alice Five Star Member
Number of posts : 15672 Registration date : 2008-10-22 Age : 76 Location : Redmond, WA
| Subject: Re: Comedy Thu Nov 15, 2012 9:54 am | |
| - Abe F. March wrote:
- In kindergarten the teacher talked about whales and how they didn’t attack humans. She explained that their throat was too small to swallow something that big. The little girl Suzy said, “Our pastor says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and the whale spit him out on a beach. The teacher couldn’t explain that. Suzy said, “When I get to heaven, I’m going to ask Jonah about that.” The teacher replied, “What if Jonah went to hell?” Suzy said, “Then you can ask him.”
Love it! |
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