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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed Apr 14, 2010 10:48 pm

Passing this along for those who may need to know.

AAADD - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as we ll pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
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Shelagh
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Apr 15, 2010 1:33 am

Fantastic!

_________________

Amazon Author Central: Shelagh Watkins
I shall never be old. It doesn't suit me -- ©Shelagh Watkins 2017
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Jan 24, 2011 6:10 am

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a
long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that
he could get one over on him easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior
would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to
take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you
a question,” he explains, “and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me
only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will
pay you $500.”
This catches the senior’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the
Earth to the Moon?’ The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his
pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find
on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to
no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the
senior and hands him $500.
The senior smiles, pockets the $500, and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and says, ‘Well, so what does go up a hill with three legs and come down with four?’
The senior gives a nonchalant sigh, reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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alj
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Jan 24, 2011 6:25 am

Ann
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alice
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Jan 24, 2011 6:50 am

Loved it!

So did Dave.
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alice
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Jan 25, 2011 7:00 am

Abe,

I loved it more than I even knew. Dave found me reciting it in my sleep and laughing. That is a bit much! lol!
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Apr 17, 2011 5:33 am

















40 years of
marriage..


A married couple in their early
60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little
restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet
beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary
married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will
grant you each a wish.'


The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to
travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and -
poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come
again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
me.
The wife, and the fairy, were
deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and
poof!...

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards
should remember fairies are female
.....



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alj
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Apr 17, 2011 7:14 am



Ann
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Apr 23, 2011 11:21 am

What would we do without those wonderful church ladies and their
typewritten (well, nowadays keyed in and printed out) bulletins?




  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


  • The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’


  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
    those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.


  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
    someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much
    about you.


  • Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.


  • Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.


  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
    several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.


  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.


  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All
    ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is
    done.


  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation
    would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
    Sunday.


  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.


  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
    Church basement Friday at 7 PM …. The congregation is invited to attend
    this tragedy.


  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”
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alj
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Apr 23, 2011 11:45 am

My dad had an aunt named Helen Hunt. Once, she was in charge of the church's lost and found. One Sunday the pastor reminded the congregation about the service, saying, "So, if you have lost anything, go to Helen Hunt for it."

(True story)

Ann
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Apr 26, 2011 10:15 pm

The Recession has hit everybody.....


I got a pre-declined credit card in the
mail.


Wives are having sex with their husbands
because they can't afford batteries.


CEO's are now playing miniature
golf.


Exxon-Mobil laid off 25
Congressmen.


A stripper was killed when her audience
showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.


I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one
wife.


If the bank returns your check marked
"Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or
them.


McDonald's is
selling the 1/4 ouncer.


Angelina
Jolie
adopted a
child from America.


Parents in Beverly
Hills
fired
their nannies and learned their children's names.


My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't
afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!


A truckload of Americans was caught
sneaking into
Mexico .

A picture is now
only worth 200 words.


When Bill and Hillary travel together,
they now have to share a room.


The Treasure Island Casino in
Las Vegas is now managed by Somali
pirates.


Congress says they are looking into this
Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is
being investigated by the people

who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!


And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking
about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds,
etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I
told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a
truck
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alj
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed Apr 27, 2011 5:41 am

Your best yet, Abe.

Ann
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu May 05, 2011 6:47 am

Embarrasing Medical Exams
A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly..'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.
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alj
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu May 05, 2011 7:04 am

A pediatrician once had a father call in and say that their infant son was having digestive problems. The doctor prescribed supositories, and told the father to put one in the infant's rectum every morning.

A few days later, the father called back to say the boy was no better. The doctor asked if he was using the suppository as prescribed. The father replied, "Well, we didn't have any rectum, so we just put it in some oatmeal, but for all the good it did, we could have put it up his b**t."

I first heard that one many years ago, and told a doctor friend about it. He said, "Don't laugh. I learned the hard way that whenever I prescribe them,to make sure I include the instructions :Remove foil wrapping before inserting."

Ann
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed May 25, 2011 12:18 pm

What do you do when you finally get what you're chasing?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzK1aq5P6yw&NR=1
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed May 25, 2011 12:32 pm

Abe F. March wrote:
What do you do when you finally get what you're chasing?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzK1aq5P6yw&NR=1

Or, you could go into politics.

Ann
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu May 26, 2011 6:33 am

Hadn't thought of that, Ann. Think they have something in common?
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Jul 12, 2011 7:20 pm

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY WAS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THOUGHT

HE HAD BEEN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE WENT IN TO SEE WHAT HE WAS UP TO. THE

LITTLE BOY WAS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR
SO, HE PUT THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPPED THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND

HIT HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAID, "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A

WHILE."

BILLY SAID, "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."

HIS MOTHER SAID, "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT BILLY, WHY

ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"



BILLY SAID: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP.''
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:13 pm

Good one, Zada.
I wonder if that works.
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Jul 14, 2011 12:51 pm

Men are happier people.






WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Men Are Just Happier People.
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.


EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use two people remembering the same thing!
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Jul 19, 2011 10:27 am

Abe, do you know why women out live men? Someone has to stay behind to clean up the mess.

And I think married men are happy because their mate keeps them that way!!

I think this plays right into your post.
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Jul 19, 2011 10:52 am

I think you summed it up. "Married men are happy because thier mate keeps them that way!" Sometimes it works both ways.
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Jul 19, 2011 12:02 pm

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.


Umm. Depends.

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed Jul 20, 2011 10:32 pm

My wife told me I should watch my drinking, so I installed mirrors on my bar.
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:37 am

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous

pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on
the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on
his ocation which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC onnected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after
a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.


"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarterthan me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
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