Your pain, your gain; write about it ...

The old adage of writing is: write about what you know. We have all suffered pain in our lives: the pain from injury, loss of a loved one or parting with a dear friend; painful memories of young love and broken hearts; coming to terms with the loss of a faithful and loving pet; the pain of rejection and failure that can knock our confidence; and the self-inflicted pain when we attempt to do something that is beyond our ability. So, how do you use all these past experiences in your writing? How important are these experiences when writing your stories?

I'll start by explaining how I used my experience of external pain to relate to internal pain that might be experienced by others. In The Power of Persuasion, Beth Durban undergoes painful laser treatment to improve the surface area of her facial skin. She decides to have the treatment to make her face more acceptable to those around her -- people who cannot avoid looking at her face the way she can by avoiding mirrors. That is her rationale; however, there is an underlying vanity in her decision, which becomes apparent to Beth after she has begun the treatment.

In the story, the improvement of the external disfigurement is counterbalanced with the permanent, internal damage suffered by families who lost young children in a shooting. Beth feels guilty because the scarring from the laser treatment will heal, but the internal scars left on the minds of those who suffered the loss of a child would never heal. She feels that her pain was self-inflicted, whereas the children were innocent victims, and pain was inflicted on their families.

Throughout the book, the story is loosely held together by the over-reaction Beth has to the harsh words of a film critic: the superficial level that we all exist at, where small slights and insults are blown out of all proportion, but consume us most of the time to conceal our innermost thoughts and fears.

I've heard it said that our first books, especially, contain a lot of autobiography. My first novel, And Adam was a Gardener, was science-fiction/fantasy. I did not think of it being in any way about me or my own life, until one of my children suggested that there might be a few of those fictional characters who would probably like to sue me for writing about them.

So I started rereading, and realized there was some truth to her words. Although I had shifted the genders and most of the surface personality traits, this was a story about the pain and lifelong effects of family betrayal. It also told about how the hero, finally, was able to come to terms with his past, accept and move on. My decision was that in writing the story, I had done what I needed to do, that I would never publish the book, at least not without significant changes. I still pull it out once and again, and sometimes consider rewriting it. The main female character in that book was a woman named Maggie (for Magdalene) who was torn between two men who represented two vastly different approaches to life. As I wrote the book, I assumed that she would choose one of the men, but the writing took over, and I killed the guy off and ended the story very differently than I thought I wanted it to end.

I kept blocking whenever I tried to tell my ggg-grandmother's story in Ailcy's Legacy. I finally admitted to myself that I was still writing about family betrayal, this time even closer to home. It was not only too painful, it had me continuing to tell a story that, while real, was keeping me stuck in that pain.

Daniel's Daughter has a heroine named Maggie (for Magdalena) who is torn between two men who represent two vastly different approaches to life. I understand her dilemma and have a much clearer picture of how it will resolve, and what choices she will make. This series is more about overcoming pain - both physical and emotional - and thriving as well as surviving.

Going through life is a process, and often contains painful elements. Sometimes we get stuck in that pain. Writing about it can help us to define and deal with it. We still have to make the choice to move beyond it rather than letting it define us, but that's life, isn't it?.

Ann

Good thought-provoking information, Ann & Shelagh. I can identify with what you said. Going with the flow or fighting it is a difficult choice. I have found that writing about pain is cleansing.

I have started several times to write about my childhood. I can put down onto paper one 'blink of an eye' experience and then I cannot go on with it. The last time I tried was on the Work In Progress board.

I find that even though this January I will be 70 years of age, I still cannot safely dig up all that childhood pain and look it square in the face. It seems to tarnish my present in a way that I do not like.

I have thought of writing it as a fiction story but still it is me looking back into that dark and bottomless chasm. I wonder if I will ever be able to. I finally came to the conclusion that it serves no purpose and the story that would come out of it would serve no purpose either.

Love,

Betty

I've often found myself crying when I write certain material. Not only because I bring up painful memories of my own, but because I put myself in my character's shoes when I write, and I feel what they feel. It gets so bad sometimes that I have to stop writing all together and watch a comedy or something. But I feel that my writing benefits a lot from it.

Betty Fasig wrote:

I have started several times to write about my childhood. I can put down onto paper one 'blink of an eye' experience and then I cannot go on with it. The last time I tried was on the Work In Progress board.

I find that even though this January I will be 70 years of age, I still cannot safely dig up all that childhood pain and look it square in the face. It seems to tarnish my present in a way that I do not like.

I have thought of writing it as a fiction story but still it is me looking back into that dark and bottomless chasm. I wonder if I will ever be able to. I finally came to the conclusion that it serves no purpose and the story that would come out of it would serve no purpose either.

Love,

Betty

Dear Friend,

There is only one person who gets to decide whether or not you should tell your story, or even remember it, and that person is you.

I will say that I have never known a more sensible, compassionate human being, and there is no one with whom you need to share your well-deserved pride for having become the hero that you are.

You are certainly my hero, anyway.

Ann

Betty, Ann expresses my feelings as well.
I can identify with DMPierson concerning the emotion one feels when putting oneself in the shoes of the character. When I wrote about my experience in Lebanon in the Chapter, "End of the Line", I had a tough time writing it. I could feel the emotion I felt during this event. Even today, when I read what I wrote it takes me back in time. Some things we will never forget. Emotional events change lives. I know it was a turning point in my life and my subsequent actions reflect this.

I think that physical pain is very hard to convey with the written word. To write about being shot and to covey the pain is almost impossible. I think that is why the movies of today portray some really god-awful attocities and the pace is so fast that the pain is not dwelt upon. It is a fantasy pain. Momentary. Perhaps it is something that the human mind cannot wrap around unless personally endured. Another persons pain is hard to watch and it is easier to look away.

Mental pain is easier to write about. It is a thought process, after all. A consideration of one's own mental pain can be put into words with allegory.

DMPierson,

I cry when I write my little stories, too. What a wonder is empathy! How noble! It is what we hope we do. No matter what kind of pain or joy we are writing about, we want our reader to be empathetic. If we can make our reader cry or smile we are successful as writers.

Love,

Betty

Arirang: The Bamboo Connection certainly is a record of all the places in the world where I spent time. However, the people are composites as are their experiences of people I knew and met along the way and the stories they told me of their lives. Of course I had to change them and merge them to come up with a plot. However, people who know me keep asking if it is about me because they know I have traveled to so many places.

I am glad I wrote the book because otherwise with time going by, I might have forgotten the little bits in each country about which I wrote and remembered in the writing.

I do think that leaving me out of the book also left it somewhat bereft of emotion. The characters are a bit dull overall, and I apologize for that and ask the readers to enjoy instead the wonderful world that was explored and the adventures at sea.

In Ghost Orchid, I am keenly aware (now) that Neev is very like the daughter I never had and the girlfriend my son sent home to meet me that I adored - but they broke up. Neev has many of my traits as a young woman so perhaps in creating her, I attempted to re-create some of my own youth. She did flow from my pen with great speed and little correction. I have read Ghost Orchid beyond count - and end up in tears or even sobbing each time. Hmmmm, maybe a little too close to reality.

What pleased me about Ghost Orchid was the gentleman who read the story and found in Neev the story of his own youth and search for roots and the painful experience for him - and I realized that Neev was also a person in her own right whose emotions were not necessarily female or male but represented that thirst for knowledge of self, the need to know, and its powerful impact throughout our choices in adulthood.

It isn't just new authors who include their own experience in fiction; those who are tried in true finally admit it when they are famous long enough. It's like they hunger to "let it out" that we were fooled all that time.

Many of the other characters in Ghost Orchid posess traits of people I know, some quite well. Therefore, they do live and engender emotional responses; they are created from real DNA. Ghost Orchid has been described as an emotional roller coaster, perhaps because of the life in the characters.

Diane, I could identify with you in your book: Arirang: The Bamboo Connection. It read like non-fiction and I truly thought you were writing about yourself. I still believe much of what you wrote did reflect the you that I've come to know with your posts. It reflects love, sorrow, lots of adventure and passion. It even elicited the feeling that you needed comforting. Anyone who can give the reader feelings of emotion that seem real, is a great writer.

I am glad, Abe, that you took the time to read Arirang: The Bamboo Connection since today people tend to shy away from a book of nearly 500 pages; I am amazed myself that I was able to write and edit such a long novel.

Living in a different culture is so mind expanding and often challenging that I think it changes a person, generally for the good.

alj wrote:

Betty Fasig wrote:

I have started several times to write about my childhood. I can put down onto paper one 'blink of an eye' experience and then I cannot go on with it. The last time I tried was on the Work In Progress board.

I find that even though this January I will be 70 years of age, I still cannot safely dig up all that childhood pain and look it square in the face. It seems to tarnish my present in a way that I do not like.

I have thought of writing it as a fiction story but still it is me looking back into that dark and bottomless chasm. I wonder if I will ever be able to. I finally came to the conclusion that it serves no purpose and the story that would come out of it would serve no purpose either.

Love,

Betty

Dear Friend,

There is only one person who gets to decide whether or not you should tell your story, or even remember it, and that person is you.

I will say that I have never known a more sensible, compassionate human being, and there is no one with whom you need to share your well-deserved pride for having become the hero that you are.

You are certainly my hero, anyway.

Ann

I agree. Betty, You have not passed on the pain. Good for you.
Childhood memories stay with us-so don't expect to forget them.


What happened in your childhood was disgraceful

So sorry!


You were not the instigator of your childhood.

Perhaps writing the story in the form of a letter to yourself or to someone else would help with a catharsis if you need one. For many, writing about pain helps send it away forever; for others, just putting it away is enough.

When I lived in Korea, the women told me they were in pain because the middle class men had Kiesings (Geisha in Japanese) but because it was an acceptable part of the culture they put that pain and knowledge in a little silk box in the back of their brain and shut the lid so they could open the rest of the boxes that gave them joy.

Writing has been part of my healing process. Writing about "My Secret", and then rereading it as I edited, formatted, made the cover, did all the things required to see it published, saved me from destruction after my divorce. I knew that I wasn't just writing about the secret of who my oldest childs father was, it was also the uglier secret - the years of abuse I lived with, the truth that my (now) ex-husband was a monster, who everyone saw as a saint. It helped me realize my mistakes - the fact that I chose to stay in that marriage for as long as I did. Yes I did it because I was afraid, he started threatening me from the beginning that if I left him he would take the children, and that always made me stay. He controlled all my resources and I knew that if I left him I would be dead - at the very least financially dead, if not physically dead. When he threw me out, all my worst fears came true. He convinced or bribed my children to stay there, he threw me out destitute, no car, no job, no clothes, no means to support myself, nothing I could even sell to survive. writing down all of my first book, which was simply a personal recap of my life from age 15 (when life began), to age 41 (when it began again). You want to talk about tears when rereading? Months of tears. But you know what? It saved my life. I survived the unthinkable. Every mothers worst nightmare. Please don't be afraid of writing about your past. It doesn't matter if no one reads it. Maybe the purpose is just for you to know how much you are loved. How much you were loved back then, even if you didn't know it at the time.

Penny, thank you for your thought-provoking post. I think many people have issues that require some cleansing in order to move on. Living in the past, especially a past with pain, requires cleansing. Writing can do that. I had started a book about my early childhood. It is still in manuscript form and I don't think I will ever seek publication. The process of writing it was helpful to me. Sharing it with others since it is a truthful account, and some of the characters are still living, could be harmful to them. There are days when I feel they should know what their father or mother did who they consider Saintly, but why spoil their fantasy? So long as they are not in a position to do more harm, I'll let it rest.

I am in a fiction slump. I put a lot of energy into the articles I write for the Southwest Spotlighthttp://swspotlight.com but they are short, non-fiction essays.

A friend of thirty years inspired my writing of fiction, reading and critiques; but it gets old reading a writer's manuscripts and the Muse is gone.

Gone with the muse is the passion I felt for the characters and their lives. I have become a bit numb myself to the things of pain outside my control, past and present. My emotions are pretty level though I was inspired to say a word or two during the election process because it was so obvious to me that hard-fought rights were in jeopardy. I felt an obligation to speak out and correct lies with truth.

I have several WIP's; but just can't seem to continue. I'm writing every day - about 4200 words per month - in short articles. The passion is gone, however.

Follow the old adage, DK: write about what you know. Go back as far as you need to and write about the things you remember. It's easier to weave a story around known facts than to rely completely upon your imagination. The research for the bits that are hazy or missing will rekindle your enthusiasm. We all like a challenge!

Thanks for the suggestion. I keep thinking, "next week..."