King of Princes - First chapter revised

First chapter replaced - see below

Luigi,

Thank you for posting the update. As i said earlier, the Tudors are among my favorite historical characters. I studied them extensively in college - English major with a minor in history, and teacher certification in both fields.

Speaking as an English teacher (retired), I must say I like your writing style. Everything flows smoothly, and you have an excellent command of grammar and syntax. The only problem I see has to do with the mechanics in this piece, most specifically about the use of commas rather than semicolons or periods and caps.

I've posted a link to a page in an online handbook that deals with this issue.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm

This online handbook has a very user-friendly format, and can help with any area of either grammar, mechanics, or usage.

I'm working on a historical fiction piece myself right now, and some of my readers have suggested that my dialog sounds a little like a textbook. I can see what they are saying. It's hard not to "teach" as I write. You might want to look at some of Henry's conversations to see if you have a bit of that going on, too.

It's hard to get the necessary history in without interrupting the flow of the story, isn't it?

Keep up the good work.

Ann

I like the story. I'll give reply when I get back to my computer.

Domenic

KING OF PRINCES
1. 1469AD - Pembroke Castle, South Wales

At last Madog had managed to escape. He had been imprisoned for near on two years. The sensation of the crisp morning air filled his lungs, such a contrast to the foul stench of the prison.

Creeping beneath the wall of Pembroke Castle, he slipped into a recess in the wall and waited until two guards had passed.

As he was about to make his dash for freedom, he came face to face with a third guard. Before the guard could shout out a warning, Madog seized him around his mouth and throat dragging him back into the recess. He forced him to the ground, holding him down until he went limp.

He waited for a few more seconds, conscious of his heart pounding in his chest. After a fleeting look around, to see if there were any other guards, he took a deep breath, bolted across the short clearing and disappeared into the forest.

A giant of a man with weather beaten features, Madog carried many battle scars. He was a man of great strength and had been a revered leader in the army of Owain Tudur. Severely wounded in 1461AD in the defeat in the Battle at Mortimer’s Cross, he returned to his family home in North Wales to recuperate.

Once he had recovered, he joined up with a group of Welsh nationalists fighting against the House of York in North Wales and Anglesey. A small group of them decided to head south in order to link up with Jasper Tudur, the leader of a nationalist movement near Pembroke Castle. Troops loyal to the House of York ambushed them as they were on the way to Jasper’s fortress, and imprisoned them in the castle.

As he scurried through the forest, he came across a clearing where two young lads, Harri and Maredudd, were practising their sword fighting skills.

Startled at recognising Harri as a youngster from the castle, he was about to retreat into the forest when Harri recognised him and addressed him in Welsh. “Hello Madog have they let you out at last?”

Astonished that Harri addressed him in Welsh, he replied, “Yes, they have.” He then commented, “I am surprised that you speak Welsh.”

Harri, indignant at his surprise, said, “I am Welsh.” Adding with a smile, “Born and brought up in Wales and very proud to be Welsh.”

Harri was twelve years old and well educated. He was bilingual and fluent in both Welsh and English. He was under the guardianship of Lord Herbert the leader of The House of York at the Battle of Mortimer’s Cross. Although he was a virtual prisoner in Pembroke Castle, he was free to move in and around the castle without restriction. This enabled him to play with his friends who were Welsh speaking lads from the villages close to the castle. Harri knew the prison well and had visited it on a few occasions with one of Lord Herbert’s men.

Madog took comfort in the knowledge that Harri was Welsh. Nodding towards Maredudd, he asked, “And who is your friend? I have never seen him at the castle.”

Maredudd interrupted and introduced himself, “My name is Maredudd Tudur.”

Looking a little surprised, Madog speculated, “Any relation of Jasper Tudur by any chance?”

“Yes,” said Maredudd. “He is my uncle, Harri and I are cousins.”

“Oh!” Exclaimed Madog, then, seeking re-assurance, asked in anticipation. “Is it the Jasper Tudur who is the leader of the Welsh nationalists in South Wales?”

Harri answered for Maredudd, “Yes, he is the one and only Jasper Tudur. He is also my uncle and my name is Harri Tudur.”

Madog, now more than a bit flabbergasted said, “I know Jasper Tudur well. William Herbert’s men captured me while on my way to join his nationalist group.”

Madog had fought under Owain Tudur and his sons Edmund and Jasper. Edmund was incarcerated in Pembroke Castle where he died of natural causes. Lord Vaughan had executed Owain after the Battle of Mortimer’s Cross. Jasper, on the other hand, escaped capture. He later received a pardon from King Edward IV.

“Edmund Tudur was my father,” ventured Harri. “And Owain Tudur was my grandfather.”

Madog was gobsmacked, “Oh, really!” he exclaimed, “Then you must be the little boy that used to sit on my lap around the campfire.”

“Most probably,” replied Harri.

Still a little confused Madog asked, “If that is so, why are you allowed to walk around the castle without any restrictions?”

“My father’s half brother was King Henry VI. He died two months before I was born, so the King became my guardian. He sold my guardianship to Lord Herbert who intends to marry me off to Maud, his eldest daughter. Lord Herbert does not know that my mother, who is allowed to visit, has kept me in touch with uncle Jasper.”

Madog smiled and asked with expectation. “Do I take it then that I’m amongst friends?”

“Most definitely,” Harri replied.

Madog, now more than a little relieved confessed. “I lied to you earlier when I said that they let me out, I escaped. By now they will be looking for me as I killed one of the guards.”

Stunned by this revelation, Maredudd was the first to react and said, “Let us make haste, I’ll take you to my uncle Jasper where you will be safe. Lord Herbert’s men will not venture too far from the castle in this area, not even to find an escaped convict.”

Madog, appreciative of the help, said, “Thank you, just lead the way and I’ll follow. Is it far from here?”

“Not too far,” said Harri adding, “There is a path through the forest that takes you down to the river, which is about a mile from here. We have a small boat hidden in the thicket that we use to cross the river. Once on the other side you will be safe. Jasper’s fortress is about an hour from there.” Harri continued, “Follow Maredudd he knows the way. I need to get back to the castle before they miss me.”

“Will do,” said Madog still showing signs of relief. “I can’t wait to see my old friend Jasper again.”

Harri smiled saying, “I’m sure he will be pleased to see you.”

Maredudd and Madog disappeared into the forest leaving Harri alone with his thoughts.

Madog had been fortunate that his captors were unaware that he was one of the leaders of Owain Tudur’s Welsh army. If the Herberts had have known of his past, they would have treated him more harshly and maybe even sentenced him to death in the same manner as Owain Tudur, the Welsh Prince.

Madog was enjoying the fresh air as he was scurrying though the forest. It was a relief not to be wallowing in the stench of the prison. He made a silent pledge. If caught he would fight to the death with his bare hands, if necessary, rather than return to that stinking prison

Madog and Maredudd were out of breath when they reached the river where they slid down the bank to the water’s edge. Maredudd fished for the rope hidden out of sight. As he pulled on the rope, a small rowing boat appeared out of the thicket on the other side of the river.

Madog joined in and helped Maredudd pull the boat towards them. They scrambled into it and rowed to the other side. They pulled the boat up on to a shallow bank and hid it back under the thicket from where it had emerged.

As they were in the process of hiding the boat, they heard the clatter of hooves on the other side of the river. Maredudd and Madog hid from view behind some bushes whilst peering through the foliage at the men. They rode slowly along the bank looking up and down the river. After what seemed an eternity, they cantered off out of sight. As soon as the coast was clear, Madog and Maredudd sprinted into the forest making their way to Jasper’s fortress.

Harri strolled back to the castle more than a little bit apprehensive about the safety of Madog and his cousin Maredudd.

Born in Pembroke Castle Harri had lived in Wales since his birth. He was Welsh but by a strange quirk of fate he was a possible heir to the throne of England. Harri was a handsome lad and was a descendant of the Welsh Prince, Rhys ap Gruffydd.

Lady Margaret Beaufort, a descendant of Edward III, was Harri’s mother. She was a great-granddaughter of John of Gaunt, 1st Duke of Lancaster and third wife, Katherine Swynford. He was therefore a direct descendant of Edward III, King of England and also a direct descendant of Rhys ap Gruffydd, Prince of Wales.

Approaching the perimeter of the castle, Harri noticed soldiers mounted on their horses and some on foot scouring the area.

On recognising him, one of the soldiers drew near and asked, “Have you seen the big man Madog, one of the prisoners?”

Harri, trying to look casual, replied, “No, I’ve just been visiting my friend. Why do you ask?”

“He has escaped from the prison and killed one of the guards. Be careful and get back to the castle. He is a very dangerous man,” warned the soldier as he rode off.

Harri carried on towards the castle trying his best to look as calm as possible, but was finding this to be much easier said than done.

When he reached the castle, the guards recognised him and opened the gate, allowing him to enter. As he sauntered through the forecourt deep in thought, George Herbert accosted him and startled him out of his pondering.

George was a brazen youngster; a spoilt brat and a bully who took great delight in reminding Harri that his father’s forces defeated Harri’s grandfather in the Battle of Mortimer’s Cross.

“Where have you been?” he asked in his usual belligerent manner.

Harri was unmoved and replied with contempt, “Not that it is any of your business. I was just playing with some of my friends.”

George retorted, “You mean those Welsh peasants you call friends.” Harri held his peace as he had been down that road before. Although a few months younger than George he was much stronger and more agile. Harri was taller than average for his age and had a strong wiry build.

George and Harri grew up together but were rarely on good terms. Whenever they came to blows, George always came off worse and he would then tell his mother. Harri’s punishment was, more often than not, confinement to his room; sometimes for up to a week. For this reason, he no longer took the bait.

“Haven’t you heard,” grumbled George, “Madog, the notorious outlaw has escaped from the prison.”

“Oh!” said Harri offhand, “I didn’t know he was notorious or an outlaw.”

“Well you should know he is an outlaw. After all he was in prison,” said George. Trying to justify his statement he added, “They don’t put innocent people in prison.”

“On the contrary,” said Harri with indignation, “they do put innocent Welshmen in prison.”

“Well you cannot call him innocent, he has killed one of the guards,” said George in his usual brusque manner.

George continued his tirade, “On being questioned, one of the prisoners revealed that Madog was a captain in your grandfather’s useless army.” He then took great delight in adding, “My father said that he would be executed when he was caught.”

Harri withheld his anger and said nothing, but every fibre of his body was aching to give George a good beating. One day, he thought to himself, I look forward to getting the opportunity to sort him out. However, not letting his anger get the better of him, he walked away from George who was mouthing all sorts of insults after him.

Back in his room, Harri was thinking of how he could get word to Jasper. He wanted him to warn Madog that the Herberts now knew of his role in Owain’s army and if caught he would be sentenced to death for killing the guard.

Harri’s uncle, Jasper, had in the past cautioned that Harri’s lodging at Pembroke Castle would not be so amiable if anything happened to his cousins. Jasper stressed upon him ad nauseam that at his age he would become a pawn to be preyed upon by some of the powerful Barons in the country. As such, he would be a threat to any reigning monarch.

Harri was amused at the thought of him being a threat to the King of England, as he had no desire for that role in life. Becoming the Prince of Wales appealed to him much more. His idol was Owain Glyndwr, the great Prince of Wales, who defeated the English in many battles. He also enjoyed reading the tales about King Arthur. His mother Margaret Beaufort had other ideas. She always told him that one day he would be King of England and Wales.

Harri loved his mother but was prevented by Edward IV from living with her. However, she was allowed to visit him from time to time. Margaret Beaufort was reputed to be one of the wealthiest people in England. She was a very proud Lady, well aware of her standing in society. Whenever she visited him, she arrived with great pomp and ceremony in a magnificent horse drawn carriage; much to the envy of the Herberts.

When she visited, she always brought him an array of presents and insisted that they go for short journeys away from the castle; most of all to get away from the prying eyes and ears of George who was always hovering around, much to her annoyance. Most of these journeys included a rendezvous with Jasper. At these meetings, she kept them informed of all the political news concerning the rival factions of the Houses of York and Lancaster.

Harri mused, ‘The Royal line through my mother is the reason why William Herbert bought my guardianship for £1000 and intends marrying me to one of his daughters, ugh! Ugly wenches! Especially Maud, the one they have in mind. I am grateful that my mother has told me that she would use all her influence to prevent any marriage between a Herbert girl and myself.’ He was indignant at the very thought of ‘bought and sold’ as it made him feel like an object not a person.

His mother assured him that when the time was right, she would arrange a suitable marriage and if necessary would raise the funds for any future military campaign. She also promised that she would use all her influence in England and France to get the financial and political backing of the most influential barons.

She had great faith in his uncle Jasper and admired him a great deal. Together they warned him on many occasions to be aware of any offers made by either English or Welsh barons, as they would all have ulterior motives.

Another thing that amused Harri was the way the Herberts ran around his mother whenever she made a visit to the castle, making it obvious that they were aware of the extent of her wealth and her influence both in England and France. ‘Two-faced idiots,’ Harri muttered to himself.

Harri was comforted with the thought that any marriage between him and Maud would not be viable, if his mother had anything to do with it. She already had some potential marriage partners lined up for him and Maud was not one of them.

At last Madog had managed to escape he had been imprisoned for near on two years. Creeping beneath the wall of Pembroke Castle, he hid behind a small edifice and waited until two guards had passed.


At last Madog had managed to escape. He had been imprisoned for...

Hope this helps.

Domenic

Domenic,

You read the first draft. Read the second draft:

http://www.publishedauthors.org/first-chapters-f12/king-of-princes-first-chapter-revised-t3747.htm#59190

Ahhh, thank you Shelagh.

Second looks good.

Hi Domenic/Shelagh
I've deleted the first draft.....

Luigie,

Take out every word that does not help the story. Every sentance should have a verb...verbs are action words.

It's a good story. I like it. Readers will see a picture in their mind...you don't have to paint one for them.

Use the word said. Said seems to be a word readers don't see.

Hope this helps.

PS. Your writing is getting much better.

Domenic