A humour Thread

This is the Thread where you can just chill out and have a laugh when things get too much. Please unleash your humour here. I'll start you off.


George the engineer has a problem with a new control panel, it blew up after he had connected it.
He phoned the panel manufacturers for advice, the conversation went like this :
“ Hello help desk, how can I help?”
“ I was connecting the main cable back into your panel and when I switched it back on it blew up.”
“What Time did this happen?”
“About 13:15.”
“ Oh dear that’s nasty, was your boss around at the time?”
“No he was back at the office.”
“ Was your boss eating his lunch?”
“ What ?”
“Was your boss on his lunch break at the time?”
“He might have been, I’m not sure, Why?”
“Static charge mate very nasty.”
“What?”
“If your boss was eating a sandwich at the time it would cause a high charge of static build up which is suddenly released.”
“ No that’s not right the office is miles away your talking rubbish.”
“ No, No mate I’ll prove it. What sandwiches does he have?”
“ I don’t know, cheese I think.”
“There you go. That explains it. Cheese is very susceptible to static discharge, especially if he is enjoying it and is in a chilled out frame of mind. Grumpy man your boss
is he?”
“Er yes sort of.”
“Well there you go then. I can tell you exactly what happened. Your angry wound up boss eats his sandwich at the precise same moment you switch on the panel and zap. As he begins to relax with his cheese sandwich all that aggressive anger he stored up in his mind is released. His mind has been diverted to a positive polarity. All the negative energy has to go somewhere so zap out it goes through the atmosphere over to you, down through your hands and into the panel. Scrambling all the data in the cpu.”
“No way static can’t travel like that, it’s impossible.”
“Oh it can. It’s quite a common thing.”
“No I’m 250 miles away from my boss you’re wrong.”
“Telepathy.”
“What?”
“Telepathic static transference, it’s in all the text books. All that aggression is released via telepathy and dispatched over to you where you unknowingly transfer it to
the panel. Simple.”
“No, No, your panel is faulty it’s under warranty and you’re trying to wriggle out of your responsibilities by fobbing me off with phoney explanations, just admit it.”
“I’m sorry mate but our panels are not covered against Telepathic static discharge. Your Boss is to blame I’m afraid he will have to pay for a new panel.”
“You can’t prove it was this static thingy”
“Discharge”
“Static discharge then you have to prove it.”
“Oh alright send us back the Panel and we will test it.”
“Ok I’ll do that. What happens after that ?”
“We will notify you of our findings.”
“How?”
“By Telepathy.”
“Thats not good enough.”
“Ok I’ll phone you.”
“How do I send you the Panel?”
“Pixie post.”
“What?”
“Pixie post sir, the pixies will be round your house first thing tommorow. Don’t worry about staying off work leave the key under the mat, they will let themselves in. Oh whatever you do sir, don’t leave out any food or you’ll loose the entire contents of you’re house. Pixies can be unpredictable if they eat during the day.”
“Pixies are mythical creatures that don’t exist. I don’t believe in fairy stories.”
“You must do sir, if you believe we are ever going to give you a new panel.”
CLICK.
“Hello.....Hello.”

"Hello, Is that you, Doris? There's a lot of static on the line. Maybe it's this cheese sandwich I'm eating. What's that you say? Doris..."

David,

Love it!

That reminds me of a post made by Abe. (I think Abe posted it) It was an Abbot and Costello type of conversation between a service rep. and a not too savvy computer purchaser if I remember correctly. I will have to try to find it.

Larry was working on the building site pushing a wheel barrow full of rubble backwards and forwards all day. The barrow was getting harder and harder to push. Its wheel was squeeking louder and louder. EEEk...............EEEk, it went.
Soon Larry could'nt take it any more and people were complaining, so he went to see the site forman in his office.
"Can I have some oil for my wheel barrow?" he said.
"Why?" was the reply.
"Because everywhere I push it the squeek it makes is irritating me and all the workers. EEEk...............EEEk it goes, it's driving us crazy."
"Go to Admin and pick up your cards your fired."he said.
"Why?" asked Larry quite stunned.
"You have been slacking and not doing your job correctly.That wheelbarrow should be going EEEk.EEEk.EEEk.EEEk.EEEK."

... he was only trying to eek out a good living.

I've had that same conversation with people at a help desk in India.

Me too!

When my wife and I made a routine support call to an attorney's office where we had installed a large custom computer program, we jokingly told one of the operators that the T-connector on the network cable always had to be pointed up. If not, bits would drain out of the unused open end.

Even though she knew we were joking, she was always very careful not to ever let the T-connector point down. I often wonder how many office myths about data escaping onto the carpet got started in the office in the years that followed.

Malcolm

Liked all the humor posts. I've got to be careful since smiling could become a habit.

In the beginning, the Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said, "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to distill into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal. In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas."

"Excuse me Sire," interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots?"

"Not really," replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them."

What a neighbour I turned out to be!

Me too! ... but I imposed on the Scots for twenty-six years!

That's funny, Shelagh!

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

Thanks Shelagh, I got my morning chuckle.

This one hasn't been around in a while:

ERROR MESSAGE HAIKU

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy.

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Shelagh,

The punch line to the Wisconsin version of your joke is:

"But wait until you see the winters I'm going to give them."

LOL! Carol, that would be just as appropriate for Scotland!

Shelagh wrote:

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

Do you honestly think this guy's funny? He's had nearly 2,000,000 views:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWD70zCA7LU

No, I think he's just stupid. My favorite story here:

Abe F. March wrote:

WEDDINGS

When I was younger, I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of the aunts and the grandmotherly types
used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'...

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Ironic :

Irene and George her husband are both writers who write self help style books. Their home is a smart well laid out affair with all the latest home comforts. They have servants at their beck and call and never lift a finger for anything. George writes DIY books and has never ever lifted a paint brush let alone a monkey wrench. Irene writes among many things cook books and dress making articles. She too has never cooked or sewn so much as a button on a shirt. What qualifies these experts in thier fields? Well it's the most accepted qualification in the world, MONEY!

Still Ironic:

We were sitting down one saturday afternoon when there was a knock on the door. When I opened the door it revealed a young woman nicely dressed, who had the worst case of facial acne I have ever seen.

It turned out she was our local Avon rep.