The problems of being a man

A Stodghill Says So blog:



Well, it's been a great day up to this point. It's not even lunch time and already I've been accused of being senile and acting like an 8-year-old. That's quite a trick if you can pull it off.
The accuser was Jackie, of course. It all started last night when we watched a program I hate, Law & Order SUV, or whatever it's called. I can't stand either of the lead characters but like some of the lesser lights. The show was all about two abused women, one young, one old. After being beaten to a pulp a number of times, the young one was rescued by the female lead character I can't stand. So the woman runs off from a shelter and goes back to the brute, who then polishes her off with a knife to the chest.
What is there to say about that except she was stupid and got what she deserved? So I said it. That sent Jackie into that state that only women can enter, the one where they agree with everything you say and don't mean a word of it. All men are familiar with that state. The best was to describe it is that "poor little me, I'm only a woman so what do I know?" way of agreeing with you in an insincere, condescending manner.
Then it turned out the old bat who cared for her invalid husband had knocked off the guy who abused her back in 1974. Pumped six bullets into him, then escaped from jail and married the invalid the same year, although he was not an invalid at the time and knew nothing of the murder. So she gets arrested again, is tried and acquitted, but the invalid doesn't want her back. He said, "Every decision we've ever made was based on a lie."
I agreed with him just as any sensible, right-thinking person would. If I thought there had been sarcasm and insincerity up to that point, Jackie showed me what those words really mean.
I suppose in a way it's my own fault because I acted like the young woman who went back to the abuser and got knocked off. I had vowed never to watch Law & Order SUV again, but I went back to it. Live and learn, they say, but with my 84th birthday less than three months away the learning part better begin damn soon.

I feel your pain Dick. Marriage (for men) is a whole lot tougher to understand than the Cold War was for us men. The whole thing with the relationship and comminication stuff seems to be a twisted mind game. The only the rule a is: Men can't win! Us men don't have a chance.

The subject of this thread could open a kettle of worms. Senility may be a benefit. If you can't remember what you said, there is no guilt. I think women remember everything. They pack away all the mistakes men make, and then bring them up, one at a time like reciting a list, when they get ticked off.

Richard, "We men don't stand a chance." Since men is the subject, the pronoun needs to take the subjective form as well.

The Posturing Sage

Dick,
as a boy my grandfather told me, "Son, you don't know this now, and you won't know it when your old enough to think you know something. When age starts talking to you, and you start talking back to it, you will come to understand that what I'm about to tell you, makes no sense at all...women take life serious. Men are only trying to figure it out.

Quote :

So the woman runs off from a shelter and goes back to the brute, who then polishes her off with a knife to the chest.
What is there to say about that except she was stupid and got what she deserved?

You can't possibly be serious? A woman deserves to be beaten to a pulp because she loves an abusive man???

Instead of focusing on the woman who went back to the man she loved, why aren't we discussing the man who abused her? Why isn't anyone outraged that he was allowed to abuse another human being?

Deserved it? No one deserves to be beaten and abused.

Going back to the one who abused her was pretty dumb. Still, no one should be abused, either physically or mentally, and the abuser should pay. There does seem to be a double standard, though, in that you seldom hear of a woman abusing a man, and we all know it happens.

With regard to the relationship, normal that is, if such a thing exists, between a man and wife, here's my take.

Anyone who says marriage is a 50/50 proposition doesn't understand one of two things, fractions or women.

Come on, Dick, where is the drama if the victim (Special Victims Unit, right?) doesn't go back to the brute? It isn't a mystery, or is it?

SUV (special utility vehicle)!

I've been married almost 50 years. (Notice I didn't say happily married 50 years. That would not be the truth for either my husband nor me. We've both had times when we were much less than fun to be with, but not abusive. Okay, maybe we've both said things that were misinterpreted.)

Anyway, (I know I shouldn't begin a sentence with that word, Merri) I must admit stupid stuff really bothers me. Like our new coffee pot. I could set it up so it is all set to go, even putting in the time it should start making coffee, but I couldn't get the stupid light to go on indicating it would magically make coffee at seven in the morning, and my husband said, "I'll go over to the coffee pot with you and teach you how to do it. It is simple."

Now those were words of battle. Then I had to defend myself and my intelligence.

The problem was he had read the instruction book that said you only needed to slightly touch the button to make it light up. I was holding my finger on there for a full ten seconds trying to get it to light up.

I really love the guy, and believe me he has made up for any faults in the last year when he has taken care of me. Now he's way ahead of me in that department.

Carol

merrihiatt wrote:

You can't possibly be serious? A woman deserves to be beaten to a pulp because she loves an abusive man???

Once a victim, twice a volunteer. Maybe she doesn't "deserve" it, but if she's this stupid, Darwinism will win out one way or another.

I have little sympathy for a woman who puts up with physical abuse.

I ended a friendship over it.

The "friend" would appear with a black eye looking mournful.
She would relate some sordid tale of how her husband had punched her.

She had two sons and I pointed out that he was a poor role model for them, she stayed--because her mother-in-law told she could not go to heaven if she left him.

I decided I had no time for such nonsense. No Regrets either!

Carol Troestler wrote:

I've been married almost 50 years. (Notice I didn't say happily married 50 years. That would not be the truth for either my husband nor me. We've both had times when we were much less than fun to be with, but not abusive. Okay, maybe we've both said things that were misinterpreted.)

Unbelievable, Carol, How could it possibly be that in 50 years of marriage with only six children, you would ever be less than fun?


Also, how on earth could you ever say anything that could be misinterpeted?

It does boggle ones mind.

Quote :

Anyway, (I know I shouldn't begin a sentence with that word, Merri)

** giggling **

A friend of mine says that some days marriage is 99.9% and .1% and is almost never 50%/50%.

I understand what folks are saying about going back to an abuser and I would never advise a woman to stay with someone who is abusing her; however, I also know that the hold an abuser has on their abusee is mental and they have often been isolated from their family and friends and truly believe that the police will not help them or believe them if they tell the truth about the abuse.

I guess this is a sore subject for me because I've seen first-hand what abused women have had to go through. It's not a pretty picture and I have the utmost empathy and compassion for them.

Merri, if a woman is beaten to a pulp by a man and then goes back to him, yes she is stupid. If he caught up with her, that would be different. People were outraged and tried to help her. She rejected the help, went back for more and got it. Acting stupid again and again usually results in serious consequences. As they say, even a pig doesn't go back to the fire a second time. This woman went back again and again. Is that love?

Shelagh is right - if the woman didn't go back to be murdered there wouldn't have been much of a show.

Like Marie, I like L&O Criminal Intent. The people on it are civilized. Not much of that on TV these days. Stipidity - there's plenty of that.

In your opinion, which you are entitled to, as I am to mine.

Merri,

Why have they allowed an abusive person to gain such a hold on them?

The lady I told about had a supportive famly and friends.

We all got tired of her. Why are people so self-destructive?

Alice wrote:

Why have they allowed an abusive person to gain such a hold on them?

Maybe they secretly like it.

50/50 marriage does not work. 100/100 has a better chance.

Victims of abuse, are often made to feel they have done something wrong, and should be abused. Children grow up being trained that if they do something wrong, they will be punished.
As adults we all do things wrong...perhaps that is a factor in a victims thinking.
Here is a question to see if you are of a thinking that could make you a victim in a bad situation.

Do you believe everyone who does wrong, should be punished?

IT'S A DRAMA.

Shelagh wrote:

IT'S A DRAMA.

I do think it is a way of getting attenton.

They only need to appear and they have a rapt audience.

Not the women, the episode in the series (IT'S A DRAMA!). Dick writes gruesome murder mysteries. The victims in his stories often get their just desserts. He knew that Jackie would feel sorry for the victim. He was winding up Jackie -- and then expecting sympathy from us. Men!

domenic Pappalardo wrote:

50/50 marriage does not work. 100/100 has a better chance.

Victims of abuse, are often made to feel they have done something wrong, and should be abused. Children grow up being trained that if they do something wrong, they will be punished.
As adults we all do things wrong...perhaps that is a factor in a victims thinking.
Here is a question to see if you are of a thinking that could make you a victim in a bad situation.

Do you believe everyone who does wrong, should be punished?

No, domenic,

Some people err in judgement --make mistakes. By the time a person is married they should have enough sense to treat the other as an adult who deserves respect.

Suppose the wife accidentally overdraws the bank acount. burns the food?

Not a good thing, but unhelped by having her husband punch her in the eye.

If her husband does this once--leave.

Alice wrote:

Merri,

Why have they allowed an abusive person to gain such a hold on them?

The lady I told about had a supportive famly and friends.

We all got tired of her. Why are people so self-destructive?

Alice, it's a slow process. Often when a woman meets a man he is charming and wonderful. Little by little he shows more of his true nature in little ways. Maybe he gets her to wear certain clothing or wear her hair in a certain way. He compliments her on how lovely she looks. When she doesn't wear the clothing or wears her hair in a different "do," he shows his displeasure. The woman quickly learns that if she wants to "please her man," then she will need to conform to his wishes.

It's not quite as obvious as that in the beginning. It happens quite slowly initially, then picks up speed. Soon, she has less and less time for friends and family. Pretty soon the man has become her sole contact and she is under his control.

There's the old saying about putting a frog in a pot of boiling water. He'll jump out, because the water is hot. But, if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and turn the heat up slowly over time, he'll end up boiling to death.