Are You Troubled at the Thought of Dying?

Marie,

I think your avatar is just the cutest I have ever seen. I smile every time I see it.

Carol

Thank you for your thoughtful answers. Today my husband turned 66.

We got a phone call--his father passed. I had hoped he could hang on past Dave's birthday, but there are limits--days without water and just sleeping don't add up to life.

I have to agree with Dick on his views on funerary rites. I remember that I had a talk with my grandmother shortly before she died. I was very close to her, she was like a mother to me. Somehow, she got on the subject of her funeral. She said to me, "Ricky, you have given me my flowers while I was alive to enjoy them". What she meant was that I had shown her love and caring when it mattered.
She went on to say that she didnt want people to come and cry and sling snot (her words, not mine) over her casket if they had not shown her any attention while she was alive. My grandmother was just like that, a very REAL person. When she died I was too destroyed to go to her funeral, but I know that she understood.

I try not to think about it. The thought of the unknown is uncomfortable and one of those times when I wish I had a religion that taught me blind faith so I knew what came after death. I have philosophical thoughts - it's like sleep which I'm not afraid to do - life is like a parentheses in eternity - etc.

As for funerals, I agree with the need for more community gatherings to keep society intact. A funeral sure brings people together. I prefer an intimate memorial after cremation; no body visible. Yet, I have heard those who say an open casket is a finality that does comfort people.

I cannot remember who sent this to me. I am inclined to think that it was Carol. I have saved it and if I find that I am dying, I want it to comfort my family.
-------------------------



Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am the thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glint in the snow.

I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.

I am the autumn's gentle rain.

When you awaken in the morning hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush.

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there, I did not die.

By Mary Elizabeth Frye, 1932



Love,

Betty

Richard Stanbery wrote:

.
She went on to say that she didnt want people to come and cry and sling snot (her words, not mine) over her casket if they had not shown her any attention while she was alive.

I love the way she put this, Richard! I laughed so hard I almost slung some snot of my own.

Don't you just love the way some people bring true feelings to words?

When my business partner of 14 years died, his funeral service was filled with stories that had us all laughing.

One was about how his neighbor's lawn mower broke down and he didn't have enough money to buy a new one. So Frank went to the recycling center and looked around at lawn mowers to help his neighbor. Frank was like that. He loved to go to garage sales. He loved to buy bargains. So he proudly brought his neighbor his find, which looked good to Frank. It was his neighbor's old lawn mower he'd taken to the recycling center that morning!

I miss Frank. He was a good friend.

Carol

Quote :

I miss Frank. He was a good friend.

Carol

That's the thing about death. We miss the people who are no longer here. A lot of us don't see death as an end, but there are people we would still like to talk to, spend time with, and share "stuff" with.

Ann

Alice wrote:

Thank you for your thoughtful answers. Today my husband turned 66.

We got a phone call--his father passed. I had hoped he could hang on past Dave's birthday, but there are limits--days without water and just sleeping don't add up to life.

Alice, my condolences. Losing friends is hard, but I think the hardest loss is when our parents have to leave us.

Sorry to hear of your loss Alice. Hopefully you have some good memories of your father in law that will cheer your soul.

Thank you, he was a wonderful person. My memories of him are very happy.

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss Alice. I hope you have many happy memories.

Pam wrote:

On the subect of funerals, well, here is a thought for you. The funeral is not for the dead, it is for the living. It is not a celebration (to my way of thinking), it is a right of passage. There is some interesting work I have read about the devolution of societal norms and lack of importance that we place on what once were our societal values that was linked to the fact that we stopped many traditional gatherings that were once seen as extremely important, like funerals. They spoke to the loss of those once important events contributing to a decline of respect shown for the dead as well as the mourning survivors within a community, and upon examination, perhaps also those other things that demonstrated our place in a community and family. When I looked at how disconnected people are (i.e. who of us knows our neighbours? all our cousins?) this really hit home for me.
So bring on the funeral. And the meaningful wedding. Baby christenings. Family dinners on Sunday (or Saturday - or some day). Please.

Death is not a matter of joke and to take too much of a "modern" view on it and say "just throw a party when I'm gone" instead of mourning IS making death seem like too much of a joke. Most people accept that there are three things which are way outside our everyday materialistic controls: births, deaths and marriages.

I hear people complaining about how the modern age has made things worse in many ways for society. Children aren't safe anymore beyond their parent's gaze, and there are more sexual offenders and stuff, more greed and 'every man for himself' cultures, etc .

The way in which we treat death and any possible beliefs we may hold about what comes *after* death, in my view, both have some degree of influence on the way we behave in this life. Since the modern age is teaching us there's nothing to look forward to after death, then of course people are going to say "Well, just feed me to the vultures when I'm done!" "And while I'm here, let me just stuff myself with food, wealth and whatever else I can get my hands on - whether it be by fair means or foul."

If this morning, when you got out of bed, someone were to tell you, for definite, this is going to be your very last day on earth and that you will be dead by tomorrow. For sure. I doubt very much if you would be sitting here posting on this forum and more than likely you will be taking your last day on earth very seriously indeed and spending time with your loved ones. And - adopting a more caring and loving attitude toward those around you.

To treat death as "cheap" will result in life itself becoming viewed as "cheap" and hence make people less caring about one another...

Alice, I too am sorry for your loss. My prayers go out to you and your family.

Vickie

Alice, my condolences with your loss. Isn't it weird how we are speaking about the subject and are suddely faced with the reality of people passing.

It's not that I want people who didn't know me, or care to visit me while alive, at my funeral. I can totally relate to the hypocrisy of that. What I was saying, as some of you have picked up on nicely, is that funerals are a really integral part of our communities. The loss of funerals as a rite of passage is, I think, a sign of some unravelling in the fabric that holds us all together.

It does lead to great conversation however.

I, too, am sorry about the loss of a friend, Alice. With age, it happens more and more frequently.

Ahad, I don't believe people feel that nothing matters except personal pleasure in the modern world unless they would feel that way under any circumstances. Good behavior only because someone is thinking of a very uncertain hereafter isn't really much to brag about.

I do agree that death isn't cheap. Unfortunately, life is. How many times has that been proven just in the past 90 years?

Too many Dick too many. When I said I wish them to have a party what I meant was for them to celebrate the life that was. Maybe it goes back to my early twenties when life had little meaning and it was about living fast dying young idiocracy that surrounded my life at that time. Friends went on about not wanting to live past thirty. Their still going and they're well past that age now though we have fallen out of touch with the passing of time. Still the thought that loved one will grieve my passing at some point does not sit well. It is easier to hope that they will find something that will console them and let them feel only joy at the memories they have of me. My only wish is for it not to happen for a long time to come.