Bad Friends!

What would you do if your kid (age 12-16) had bad friends?

Stay away from them.

The kids or the friends?

Both! If your kid won't take your advice, what would you do?

4/2/2011


3 months detention, no TV, no computer, no going
out after school, no phone calls, this would get their
attention faster, your the parent, their the child....


Cheers..Joe

Our daughter had a friend who was trouble with a capital T.

We discouraged the association. The person died of a drug overdose--I feel guilty.

Should I?

Don't feel guilty Alice - we all do the best we can at the time, and with the tools we have. I encouraged my kids to be good friends and make good friends, but we're not there every minute of the day. The other thing I did was try to encourage them to get involved in sports and activities, which helped, but did not always keep them safe either.

I think there are a lot of us these days who know of people who die of drug related addictions; that is the result of their choices, not ours. We can't own that, but I think we can feel good about doing the right things for our kids.

When Bill and I were still married - our kids were 6, 8, and 10 at that point, so clearly under your age limits, Alice, most of our friends were older, or at least older than me. I was five years younger than Bill (still am ).

A couple of our friends - yes - a couple - they were married to each other, had children a little bit older. Their daughter was one of our sitters, even. At some point, I guess a year or two, at least, before we split, this couple told us something that I still believe to be true: "If you haven't taught it to them by the time they are 11 years old, forget it, it's too late."

The thing is, an adolescent has incorporated every bit of hi/r parent's wisdom (or foolery), and will begin to rebel against it, regardless. But if the lessons have been honest - if you truly believe and live what you teach, then they have it. By that time, their future is beyond your control.

I remember a bit that happened when Lynn was about 14 or 15. She was beginning to date her first boyfriend. She came to me and said (not asked, said) "Bobby wants me to go to Galveston (the nearest beach - over an hour's drive away) this weekend." I did the asking: "Who all is planning to go?" "About three couples." "Who will be driving?" "Bobby's friend is taking his car." "Will there be drinking?" "Bobby and I both think it is stupid to get drunk." "What do you plan to do if Bobby's friend gets drunk?" "Well, we won't get in the car with him." "You will stay in Galveston alone?" [silence] "Mom?" "Yes, Lynn?" "I don't think I'm old enough to do this." "I think you are being very wise, Lynn." [silence] "Mom?" "Yes Lynn?" "I don't want to tell Bobby I don't want to go." "Lynn?" "Yes Mom?" "You cannot go to the beach this weekend." "Oh, gosh!! Thank you, Mom! You are the best mother ever!" [Big hugs] (True story.)

I never had to ground any of my kids. I never set curfews. They just knew, byt that stage in their lives, what would be acceptable and what would not. They tended to choose friends wisely. I remember one guy that Lynn dated in college that worried me. Fortunately, she wised up, and married his older brother. The younger brother was best man at the wedding and offered this toast. "I take full responsibility for bringing them together, but my brother misunderstood me. What I really said was, 'Get a life!"

Here I am sounding like I did this great job. Not true. I just had great kids. We've had our troubles, but those came after they left home, and have since resolved themselves.

Ann

Pam and Ann,

Thank you for your wisdom.

You both have very good perspectivies. I was responsible for my daughter and thank heavens, she had better sense than to do everything her unwise friend did.

And one of the reasons she had that good sense is that her mom is one of the most sensible people I know.

Ann

Alice, that's what I always hoped for too - that they would be as smart as we hoped.