| Will the experts come foward... | |
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Domenic Pappalardo Five Star Member
Number of posts : 2557 Registration date : 2009-04-27
| Subject: Will the experts come foward... Thu Apr 21, 2011 10:05 am | |
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Last edited by Domenic Pappalardo on Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:03 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Shelagh Admin
Number of posts : 12662 Registration date : 2008-01-11 Location : UK
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Thu Apr 21, 2011 11:44 am | |
| Domenic,
Did you mean "hit the nail on the head" in the opening sentence?
Will Rogers bent the nail when he said, “I use only one set method in my little gags, keep to the truth.”
or:
Will Rogers nailed it when he said, “I use only one set method in my little gags, keep to the truth.”
A better opening might be:
Will Rogers said, “I use only one set method in my little gags, keep to the truth.” I use the same set method in my stories, keep to the truth.
Maybe change around the second and third sentences:
“The Second Monkey Trial,” is a journey into, “Who we think we are.” Sit back, warm yourself with thick Southern coffee…hold on to your seat…the Cricket Mississippi Law School is about to assign guilt to someone on trial for murder.
Sit back, warm yourself with thick Southern coffee and hold on to your seat; the Cricket Mississippi Law School is about to assign guilt to someone on trial for murder. The Second Monkey Trial, is about more than just the guilty; it's a journey into “who we think we are.”
The second paragraph needs looking at too. I'll get back to you about that. |
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Domenic Pappalardo Five Star Member
Number of posts : 2557 Registration date : 2009-04-27
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Thu Apr 21, 2011 2:43 pm | |
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Last edited by Domenic Pappalardo on Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:03 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Shelagh Admin
Number of posts : 12662 Registration date : 2008-01-11 Location : UK
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Sun Apr 24, 2011 1:32 pm | |
| Second paragraph suggestions:
Scars of the Civil Rights Movement burst into flames deep within Odysseus Jefferson. Jefferson sets out to destroy two men who murdered his friend, Elishah Washington, only to find beast of the past…are uncontrollable. Beast of the past will eat it’s host from the inside. Can Jefferson stop what he started?
You haven't introduced Odysseus Jefferson. How about starting with: Let me introduce you to Odysseus Jefferson, a man set on destroying two men who murdered his friend, Elishah Washington. Scars do not burst into flames. Instead: Deep within Jefferson, scars from the Civil Rights Movement had not healed. Inside, a burning fire raged out of control like an angry beast of the past that will eat its host if not tamed. Can Jefferson stop what he started? The word count (50,000) is a little on the low side. |
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Domenic Pappalardo Five Star Member
Number of posts : 2557 Registration date : 2009-04-27
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Sun Apr 24, 2011 4:11 pm | |
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Last edited by Domenic Pappalardo on Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:05 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Shelagh Admin
Number of posts : 12662 Registration date : 2008-01-11 Location : UK
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Sun Apr 24, 2011 4:16 pm | |
| I'll look forward to reading the re-write. Scars don't heal; they leave scar tissue. |
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Domenic Pappalardo Five Star Member
Number of posts : 2557 Registration date : 2009-04-27
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Sun Apr 24, 2011 4:55 pm | |
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Last edited by Domenic Pappalardo on Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:06 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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JoElle Five Star Member
Number of posts : 1311 Registration date : 2008-05-09
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Sun Apr 24, 2011 8:24 pm | |
| One of the best books I found for writing query and submission letters, as well as formatting manuscripts is "Formatting & Submitting Your Manuscript".
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Domenic Pappalardo Five Star Member
Number of posts : 2557 Registration date : 2009-04-27
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:53 pm | |
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Last edited by Domenic Pappalardo on Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:06 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Shelagh Admin
Number of posts : 12662 Registration date : 2008-01-11 Location : UK
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Mon Apr 25, 2011 5:33 am | |
| - Domenic Pappalardo wrote:
- Shelagh, Just to show you I appreciate your help, I'm changing the name of one of my characters in Naked in West Upton...to Shelagh. In this story, you will do things you can't do in the U.K. (or anywhere...lol)
That is a story I had fun with. Perhaps you will read it someday. I won't be scarred for life or suffer from old war wounds that flare up, will I? |
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Domenic Pappalardo Five Star Member
Number of posts : 2557 Registration date : 2009-04-27
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Mon Apr 25, 2011 7:09 am | |
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Last edited by Domenic Pappalardo on Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:07 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Shelagh Admin
Number of posts : 12662 Registration date : 2008-01-11 Location : UK
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Mon Apr 25, 2011 7:41 am | |
| Too much information. |
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Domenic Pappalardo Five Star Member
Number of posts : 2557 Registration date : 2009-04-27
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Mon Apr 25, 2011 7:46 am | |
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Last edited by Domenic Pappalardo on Fri Sep 30, 2011 2:39 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Mon Apr 25, 2011 8:05 am | |
| Good story so far, I'm waiting for the naked part. |
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Domenic Pappalardo Five Star Member
Number of posts : 2557 Registration date : 2009-04-27
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Mon Apr 25, 2011 8:25 am | |
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Last edited by Domenic Pappalardo on Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:07 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Domenic Pappalardo Five Star Member
Number of posts : 2557 Registration date : 2009-04-27
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Mon Apr 25, 2011 1:51 pm | |
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Domenic Pappalardo Five Star Member
Number of posts : 2557 Registration date : 2009-04-27
| Subject: Re: Will the experts come foward... Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:09 pm | |
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