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 My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice.

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gjhsdik
One Star Member
One Star Member


Number of posts : 36
Registration date : 2011-02-18

My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. Empty
PostSubject: My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice.   My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 8:55 am

I will very shortly post Chapters 1 and 2 for you to read. Hope you enjoy them.
AJ.
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gjhsdik
One Star Member
One Star Member


Number of posts : 36
Registration date : 2011-02-18

My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. Empty
PostSubject: Re: My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice.   My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 8:59 am

Chapter 1.


Damien walked down the small alleyway towards the meeting point. He was nervous but he knew he couldn't let nerves affect him in the current situation. If he wanted to get the deal or negotiating done, he didn't even know what it was, but he knew he would have to have a face of steel. He arrived at the meeting point and patiently waited on the black car he was told to look out for. Would his daughter be in the car or would more stress be put on top of him, if she wasn't. The moment of truth was fast approaching. Damien's heart clenched as he saw a very clean and shiny black Lexus turning the corner. The car pulled up in the quiet street beside Damien, the early morning glare of the sun was just forming. He couldn't see any face through the black cars tinted windows. A man dressed in a smart black suit stepped out of the front drivers seat and without even as much as a glance at Damien proceeded to open one of the back doors. Damien's pupils grew bigger as the man slowly opened the door.

Mr Jamieson stepped out of the car and in his hand was an A4 sized sheet of paper with a lot of writing on it. “On this sheet is the contract that I require you to sign, if you would like your daughter back that is?” Damien snatched the contract from the man's hands. As he read over the terms of the deal he began to get frustrated. “This is fucked up, you took my daughter and expect me to do the begging!” But he knew if he protested too much he would never see his daughter Rebecca again, probably.
All sorts of thoughts were flying through his mind. All of a sudden, before Damien could have shouted 'deal', Damien pulled out his gun. “Rip up the contract and give me my daughter or you're dead!”

In a flourish Mr. Jamieson jumped back and hit the car as he did so. The driver of the black Lexus, jumped to the ground just as he was about to get back in the car. Damien demanded that both men got completely on the ground. He pulled and shoved Mr. Jamieson to the ground like a madman, although Damien thought at this moment in time he could probably pass as a madman. With the gun pointing down towards Mr. Jamieson's head and a foot on the back of the driver, Damien looked into the back of the car to see if anyone elese was present especially his daughter. Damien kept shouting at both the driver ad Mr. Jamieson, telling the both to stay on the ground. Damien tentatively walked backwards toward the boot of the car. Damien opened the book, and felt his life and heart sink to an all time low.




Chapter 2.


A year after his wife passed away, he didn't need this not another death not his little 5 year old girl. With a gulp and an adrenaline surge like 1000 volts he shot Mr. Jamieson in the back of the head, and kicked like a stallion hard into the drivers stomach sending blood from his mouth almost instantly. Damien composed himself, still shocked but prepared to be even more so. He slowly started to unzip the black body bag in the boot of the car. So may thought went through his head in the seconds of starting to pull the zip. Had he just shot his only source of information about the whereabouts of his daughter? Or was he about to discover the whereabouts right here and now, he hoped not, strangely.

In a fast motion Damien unzipped the bag and seen the contents he burst into tears. There was his little girl with her back facing him, he pulled her out the and she let out a huge gasp and Damien fell to the ground clutching his daughter. She was in the body bag yet she was alive!

All Damien wanted was revenge now. He may have killed Mr. Jamieson but he had to take out the people who were really responsible for taking his daughter. He ran to his car and strapped Rebecca in though she was unconscious he spoke to her. With his girl strapped in Damien went back to Mr. Jamieson's body and searched his pockets. In the inside of his jacket, he found a car which read ;
“The Warehouse, 78 Mount Carson street”.


Got it! Thought Damien. He pulled both bodies to a large bin in the alleyway which was still quiet, 'thank god for silencers'. Damien closed the door of the black car and hurriedly got over to his own. He punched the details into his sat-nav, “78 Mount Carson street”. He glanced into the rear-view mirror to check on Rebecca, as the sat-nav gave a beep, “Destination routed” said the monotone sat-nav lady. Damien put pedal to metal and sped off. Damien would be proud if he could get one back for the parents of Chloe Williams who recently had experienced the same heartache of their daughter being kidnapped. The difference being that the Williams' hadn't had the reunion with their daughter yet. Damien's suspicions were that this kidnapping and that kidnapping could be linked.

Tomlinson avenue, Sutcliffe gardens, Troy boulevard so many streets as he was weaving through Bedford. Damien kept looking into the rear-mirror checking on Rebecca, he was no expert but it looked a lot like a small anaesthetic to relax or put someone to sleep. He saw Becky slowly opening her eyes, at once Damien slammed on the breaks and looked for somewhere to pull over. He pulled out to as close to the side of the road as he could, hastily he got out the car and climbed into the back. He leaned over his little girl, Damien gently started stroking her forehead and spoke soothingly to her. She woke up and said, “Daddy?, what is happening?” Damien treasure every word after not hearing her for a whole week. “Nothing everything is fine baby”, Damien replied. With a small blink of here eyelids, Becky slipped back to sleep.

Damien was smart although only 30 he knew about some drugs and medicines and had an office job and was popular around the office, but he left to train for joining the NYPD. Just before his training was due to start his wife Ashley had passed away at the age of 30, leaving just himself, his daughter and his mother left in the Soldham family. He went back into the front of the car and let the sat-nav talk to itself Damien started driving toward where his 66 year old mother, Anne lived.
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Abe F. March
Five Star Member
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10721
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. Empty
PostSubject: Re: My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice.   My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 10:56 am

Good stuff.
Finish the book and then get editing help before seeking publication. No matter how good we think we are, others will see things we don't. Remember, you get one chance to make a first impression.
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gjhsdik
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One Star Member


Number of posts : 36
Registration date : 2011-02-18

My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. Empty
PostSubject: Re: My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice.   My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 10:58 am

Thank you, Abe "Good stuff"! So every few stages edit and try to iron everything out?
AJ.
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Abe F. March
Five Star Member
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Abe F. March

Number of posts : 10721
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 80
Location : Germany

My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. Empty
PostSubject: Re: My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice.   My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 12:05 pm

Do as much self-editing as possible, but what I'm referencing is outside editing assistance. If you feel you have a good story, and I do, paying someone for editing is worthwhile, however get references before engaging an editor. Al Stephens may have a suggestion. I believe he has an editing/writing coach.
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gjhsdik
One Star Member
One Star Member


Number of posts : 36
Registration date : 2011-02-18

My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. Empty
PostSubject: Re: My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice.   My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 12:10 pm

Okay thank you Abe, I have spoke to Abe and he also mentioned editing so I will see about further speaking with him. Please keep giving me your opinion and advice because I would like to hear your experience.
Thanks. AJ.
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jetski
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jetski

Number of posts : 90
Registration date : 2009-12-29
Age : 60

My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. Empty
PostSubject: Re: My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice.   My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. EmptyTue Feb 22, 2011 12:58 pm

First piece of advice. Lose the first few sentences. Start with:

Damien's heart clenched as he saw the shiny new Lexus approaching for the standoff. This was the moment of truth. It was do or die where his 5 year old daughter Rebecca's captors were concerned.
A tall dark man stepped out without caution as he slowly opened the back door. Damien strained his pupils as the early sun glared into his face.

This lets us know right away the situation. It starts the message out strong for the reader.
The second chapter might fly, but it seems like too much too soon. It makes more sense if you want to make the story more interesting and longer, to let the little girl explain where she has been. Have something a little less dramatic take place first. Let Damien sign the contract and let the kidnappers hand over his daughter. Then, you can allow Damien to exact revenge a little at a time as his little girl explains just who was involved and what they had done to her.
But this is your story. Do as you see best. God bless.
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My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. Empty
PostSubject: Re: My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice.   My first ever book, I would appreciate your advice. Empty

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