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 This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.

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Lewis Cameron

Lewis Cameron


Number of posts : 11
Registration date : 2011-02-18
Age : 29
Location : Helensburgh, Scotland

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptyFri Feb 18, 2011 2:33 pm

Hi, my name is Lewis Cameron and I am currently working on a book called 'Five Times Over' with Alastair Burnett. Obviously this is my first story so any advice I mean any at all would be much appreciated so thanks a lot. Here is quite a fairly important chapter which I decided to show you so that you will see an important part of the book to give me help with because - as you surely know - I need these parts of the story to stand out. Thanks, here it is:


_________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 5.

“Hello, Denton Industries, who’s there please?” “Eh it..it, Hi I'm Matt”. “Okay, hello Matt, could you read out your code please?” “Yes, I mean yeah.” “ 4,6,7,1, I can't make out the last- eh, ah 3”. “Okay is this correct sir, 4,6,7,1 and 3?” “That is what I have on my card here, so yeah”, Matt replied. “Okay one second while I check your order on our database.” “My order!? I don't have an ord-” Matt stopped mid-sentence when he realised he was already on hold. Then it struck him - 'GO ALONG WITH IT'. Matt suddenly realised if he went along and didn't cause a fuss with this lady or ask any questions, he could find out more than he bargained for. The wait, the hold Matt had been put on felt eternally long. “C'mon” Matt kept saying to the quiet line with no one at the other side. Was Matt going to find out through this sick hit-man thing one of two things, who was going to be killed, or who wanted to kill him?

“Hello, hello” called the woman on the other side. “Hello!” Matt shouted. “Hi, sir your order is to kill Matthew Barker, correct?” Silence hit the studio as Matt dropped his Sony Ericsson to the floor. The battery came out and the call was obviously over. Matt fell straight on his arse and lay back, dizzy, nauseous and convinced the door and the 4 walls around him were caving in at that very moment. Matt cried all of a sudden and he didn't know where it came from, he never cried and the very few times he had felt like crying in his adulthood he had managed to hold back the tears. "Somebody wants to kill me, somebody wants to kill me!", Matt kept screaming over and over again in his head. “... your order is to kill Matthew Barker, correct?” Matt couldn't get the woman's voice out of his head, it just replayed and replayed and replayed. Matt found this business card in his studio, in a drawer that was rarely used, if ever. Who were the only people that used the studio? Well it was Five Times Over's studio, so only members of Five Times Over used the studio. “Someone in this group, someone in MY band wants to kill me!” Matt shouted over and over so realistically he feared a passer-by outside may just have heard the horrible news as well.

Matt stumbled to his feet, clutching any solid objects that he could. There was an order for somebody to kill him. “I might step outside the studio right now and be shot, strangled, stabbed, heck, it's so outrageous that there's probably a bomb squad outside right now attaching a bomb to my car”, thought Matt.

Matt eventually weaved his way through the small studio and to the front door of it, where he put his back against the door and took about 100 deep breaths. Matt turned and slammed his key into the key-hole, opening the door and hurting his hand in the process - however that was most definitely the least of his worries at the moment.



Matt only had a thirty second walk to what he usually thought of as his expensive, beautiful car, however this was the one time - although in danger - that Matt would of preferred a longer walk to his car to clear his head. Would he ever be able to clear his head? Matt got into the front of his car, again drawing many breaths before taking the road home. “Should I even go home?” he thought, “What if they're there waiting for me?” Matt didn't even know if it was a group or not yet. Matt stepped on the gas and thought about individually going to every band members house and beating the crap out of them until they told him whether it was them or not, but begrudgingly Matt let that idea pass, he had many ides right now- what if he didn't go home, what if he phoned them all right now and told them all he was quitting the band, would they be happy? Would he be safe?

About a week ago he was on holiday, beside a beautiful young Turkish girl on the beach, rolling around in the sand, having fun. His life or the remaining moments of his life perhaps, he hated. Why had this happened to him? He felt as if some of the band members had fallen out with him, even his brother.

This code on this stupid card had wrecked his life, Matt cried hysterically on the way home. “Now will someone feel sorry for me, please for the first time?” Matt said as he turned a corner, before letting out more tears. The code had wrecked his life, Denton Industries hit-men had wrecked his life, he felt. But most of all it was the code:



46718.


_____________________________________________________________________

So,as I said previously, any comments or constructive criticism/ advice would be fantastic. Thanks a lot if you've taken your time to read this and an even bigger thanks if you've left a comment.

Lewis Cameron
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gjhsdik
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Number of posts : 36
Registration date : 2011-02-18

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptyFri Feb 18, 2011 2:37 pm

Hey, it feels as if I am heavily involved with this story, haha. Good to see that you are here.
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Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
Abe F. March


Number of posts : 10768
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 85
Location : Germany

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptyFri Feb 18, 2011 10:01 pm

The story grabs the reader, and that's a key point. I would suggest some help with editing. How you express the dialogue can be improved and will serve to strengthen the story.
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Helen Wisocki
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Helen Wisocki


Number of posts : 870
Registration date : 2008-03-21
Location : Massachusetts

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 4:44 am

I agree with Abe. My first thoughts when reading the chapter is for you to try and "show" more how the story plays out instead of "telling" how it plays out.
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Lewis Cameron

Lewis Cameron


Number of posts : 11
Registration date : 2011-02-18
Age : 29
Location : Helensburgh, Scotland

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 5:20 am

Okay, well thanks for the comments. How would I 'show' instead of 'tell' if you mind me asking because I amen't entirely sure what you mean by that Helen. Also, Abe, how do you suggest that I improve the way in which the dialogue is put across?
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Helen Wisocki
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Helen Wisocki


Number of posts : 870
Registration date : 2008-03-21
Location : Massachusetts

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 7:49 am

When I first had the courage to show my draft to a writer/editor, she told me that I was adding too much of my own opinion of the characters and needed to "show" instead of "tell" the story and let the reader develop their own opinions. The setting and dialogue should set the tone. You will hopefully lead your reader to understand what you're trying to say.

I'm far from being an expert writer, but I found this advice very helpful and could see where I was leading my reader with my opinions. When you remove your opinions, then you lead the reader with what is happening around them and how they react to those happenings in the dialogue, thoughts, and actions. You want to give the reader a lot of visuals.

Each person's dialogue should be on it's own line and in it's own paragraph. It gets confusing when it all runs together.

I think you have an excellent story line. The editing part of it is torture, but I think you have a good start.

Helen
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Shelagh
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Shelagh


Number of posts : 12662
Registration date : 2008-01-11
Location : UK

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 7:51 am

Hi Lewis,

Imagine yourself as the director of a movie. There may be lots going on in the background, but the director will choose to highlight what he thinks is important and what the audience needs to see. You have to do the same. You have to give the reader the important details that help to build a clear picture in the reader's mind.

e.g. Telling: Matt stumbled to his feet, clutching any solid objects that he could. There was an order for somebody to kill him. “I might step outside the studio right now and be shot, strangled, stabbed, heck, it's so outrageous that there's probably a bomb squad outside right now attaching a bomb to my car”, thought Matt.


Showing: Matt stumbled to his feet in a trance. He could feel his heart racing as he clutched at any solid object he could to help him across the room. There was an order for somebody to kill him. I might step outside the studio right now and be shot, strangled, stabbed; heck, it's so outrageous that there's probably a bomb squad outside right now attaching a bomb to my car, Matt thought. He pictured the shrapnel from his blown-up car flying through the air and embedding itself in the outside walls of the studio.
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Lewis Cameron

Lewis Cameron


Number of posts : 11
Registration date : 2011-02-18
Age : 29
Location : Helensburgh, Scotland

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 7:57 am

Okay, Helen, that is really useful to me, thanks a lot. This is my first attempt at this so it's great to have a place like this where I can get advice from people like you, and it means a lot that you like the story line as-well.

I'll take into account what I've been doing wrong and hopefully post another chapter soon to see if the story has improved.

Again, thanks a lot, Lewis
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http://lewiscameron.blog.com
Lewis Cameron

Lewis Cameron


Number of posts : 11
Registration date : 2011-02-18
Age : 29
Location : Helensburgh, Scotland

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 8:01 am

Shelagh, thanks a lot also. That has made me even clearer of what I have to do now. So, as I said before, I will take what you have said on board and see how I can improve what I have done so far and also incorporate this into any future work.

Lewis
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Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
Abe F. March


Number of posts : 10768
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 85
Location : Germany

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 8:04 am

Shelagh, I think you gave a clear example of show and tell.
What was confusing to me in the dialogue was/is who is doing the talking. Does the person on the other end of the phone line have a face?
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Lewis Cameron

Lewis Cameron


Number of posts : 11
Registration date : 2011-02-18
Age : 29
Location : Helensburgh, Scotland

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 8:08 am

Hi Abe, I understand what you mean. When the phone call is happening, I can see that I haven't made it clear. Also, the woman on the phone doesn't play a major part in the storyline away from this scene, so I presumed that it would be needless information to describe her, do you think that I should?
Thanks, Lewis.
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Abe F. March
Five Star Member
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Abe F. March


Number of posts : 10768
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 85
Location : Germany

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 8:38 am

Lewis,
if the person will not be involved in any further scene, then a full description is not needed. Some comment to give the reader a reference, good or bad, that would help define the character or appearance of the person Exmple: "The dizzy blond picked up the phone and said..."
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Lewis Cameron

Lewis Cameron


Number of posts : 11
Registration date : 2011-02-18
Age : 29
Location : Helensburgh, Scotland

This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  EmptySat Feb 19, 2011 8:46 am

Abe,
I understand now to give some small detail at least of the other person. Thanks a lot for that.

Lewis
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PostSubject: Re: This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.    This is my first story, I would appreciate some advice etc.  Empty

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