Published Authors

A place for budding and experienced authors to share ideas about publishing and marketing books
 
HomeHome  GalleryGallery  FAQFAQ  RegisterRegister  Log in  Featured MembersFeatured Members  ArticlesArticles  

Share | 
 

 Comedy

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 10 ... 16  Next
AuthorMessage
zadaconnaway
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 4017
Registration date : 2008-01-16
Age : 69
Location : Washington, USA

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Jul 10, 2009 10:20 pm

Excellent, DJ. Funny, and it even has a moral!
Back to top Go down
http://www.zadaconnaway.com
Betty Fasig
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 4321
Registration date : 2008-06-12
Age : 74
Location : Duette, Florida

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Jul 16, 2009 3:10 pm

My David works at Sun City, a retirement community. Here is his joke.


Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. Shewrites:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection..

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Love,
Betty
Back to top Go down
http://woofferwood.webs.com/
alj
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 9633
Registration date : 2008-12-05
Age : 74
Location : San Antonio

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:57 pm

Priceless, Betty!

Ann
Back to top Go down
http://www.annjoiner.com
zadaconnaway
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 4017
Registration date : 2008-01-16
Age : 69
Location : Washington, USA

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Jul 17, 2009 1:22 am

I had seen this one before, but it still cracks me up!!
Back to top Go down
http://www.zadaconnaway.com
Shelagh
Admin
Admin
avatar

Number of posts : 12326
Registration date : 2008-01-11
Location : UK

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Jul 17, 2009 4:34 am

Honk! Honk!

_________________

Amazon Author Central: Shelagh Watkins
Back to top Go down
http://shelaghwatkins.co.uk
Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 10260
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 78
Location : Germany

PostSubject: Those Church Bulletins   Wed Sep 30, 2009 12:13 pm

Passing this along:

They're Back! Those Church Bulletins! Church ladies with typewriters with all the BLOOPERS

The Fasting & Prayer Conference... includes meals.


The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Erving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music
will follow.


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our
choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


The Church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.


Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group wi ll meet Thursday at 7 PM.. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers
will meet at 7 PM at theFirst Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance..

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'





Back to top Go down
Dick Stodghill
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 3795
Registration date : 2008-05-04
Age : 92
Location : Akron, Ohio

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:49 pm

Unbelievable. Thanks, Abe.
Back to top Go down
http://www.dickstodghill.com
alj
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 9633
Registration date : 2008-12-05
Age : 74
Location : San Antonio

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed Sep 30, 2009 6:40 pm

My dad had an aunt named Helen Hunt. She was very active in our hometown Presbyterian Church. One Sunday, while the minister was making announcements, he made the statement, "So, if you want help with your project, go to Helen Hunt for it."

(Say it out loud if you didn't catch it.)

Ann
Back to top Go down
http://www.annjoiner.com
dmondeo
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 1485
Registration date : 2009-02-15
Age : 62
Location : UK

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed Sep 30, 2009 10:04 pm

Nice Abe but you missed one out!
The Guest preacher for next weeks sermon will be found pinned on the notice board.

Great thread Abe thank you.
Back to top Go down
Dick Stodghill
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 3795
Registration date : 2008-05-04
Age : 92
Location : Akron, Ohio

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Oct 01, 2009 5:13 am

Had to say it twice, then I got it, Ann. Wonder if he realized how it came out.
Back to top Go down
http://www.dickstodghill.com
Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 10260
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 78
Location : Germany

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Oct 24, 2009 10:22 pm

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.

It is all true...these are the perks of reaching 60 and
heading towards 70 and older!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be
released first.

3. No one expects you to run----anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out...

8. You can eat supper at 4pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension
plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a
challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no
matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Just one more add: I was always taught to respect my elders. Now it's difficult to find anyone to respect.
Back to top Go down
alice
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 15308
Registration date : 2008-10-22
Age : 70
Location : Redmond, WA

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Oct 24, 2009 10:37 pm

Abe,

Funny and true.
Back to top Go down
http://www.freewebs.com/acrooker/
dmondeo
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 1485
Registration date : 2009-02-15
Age : 62
Location : UK

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Oct 25, 2009 1:52 am

Statistics show that old people are among the biggest section of the population that have Aids. Hearing aids, Walking aids, Seeing aids, Band aids................
Back to top Go down
Don Stephens
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 1355
Registration date : 2008-01-25
Age : 79
Location : Wherever my hat's hanging today!

PostSubject: Chili Cook-off   Fri Nov 06, 2009 9:50 am

Neutral


Last edited by D. J. (Don) Stephens on Fri Mar 05, 2010 7:10 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
dmondeo
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 1485
Registration date : 2009-02-15
Age : 62
Location : UK

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Nov 06, 2009 10:16 am

That made me laugh so much I nearly soiled myself.
Thanks DJ.
Back to top Go down
Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 10260
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 78
Location : Germany

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Nov 06, 2009 10:47 am

Great one Don. I'm still laughing.
Back to top Go down
thehairymob
Four Star Member
Four Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 890
Registration date : 2008-05-05
Age : 50
Location : Scotland

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Fri Nov 06, 2009 11:54 am

A man turns to his wife and says, "Remember when you said if I won the lottery you'd take half the money and leave me."
"Yes," the wife replies.
"Well here's a fiver, I just won a tenner. Now clear off."
Back to top Go down
http://www.billyyoungsbooks.co.uk
Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 10260
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 78
Location : Germany

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Nov 24, 2009 6:11 am

When I was stationed at Chattareoux, France, servicemen living on base with their families complained about being bothered by solicitors. An enterprising Airman had "No soliciting" signs made and went door to door selling them. It was a one shot deal, but he sold to everyone.
Back to top Go down
A Ahad
Five Star Member
Five Star Member


Number of posts : 1102
Registration date : 2008-03-25
Age : 48

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Dec 12, 2009 1:21 am

thehairymob wrote:
A man turns to his wife and says, "Remember when you said if I won the lottery you'd take half the money and leave me."
"Yes," the wife replies.
"Well here's a fiver, I just won a tenner. Now clear off."

Hairy, the best one I heard in a long while!


(rest snipped)
Back to top Go down
thehairymob
Four Star Member
Four Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 890
Registration date : 2008-05-05
Age : 50
Location : Scotland

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Dec 12, 2009 7:02 am

A ventriloquist was performing his act, telling his ususal dumb blonde jokes. suddenly a blonde in the audience shouts out, "I've heard enough of you stupid blonde jokes. What does the colour of a persons hair have to do as their worth as a humanbeing. It's men like you that keep women like me from being respected."
The red face ventriquist begins to apologize but the blonde shout, "You stay out of this I'm talking to the little runt sitting on your knee."
Back to top Go down
http://www.billyyoungsbooks.co.uk
thehairymob
Four Star Member
Four Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 890
Registration date : 2008-05-05
Age : 50
Location : Scotland

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Dec 12, 2009 7:02 am

And this one is for the ladies.

Married couple in their sixties are visited by a fairy, who grants them both a wish.
"I want to travel the world with my husband," said the wife.
Two tickets for a luxury cruise around the world appear magically in her hand.
The husband says. "Sorry love, my wish is to have a wife thirty years younger than me."
So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes ninety two.
Moral of the story men who are ungrateful sods should remember fairies are female as well.
Back to top Go down
http://www.billyyoungsbooks.co.uk
thehairymob
Four Star Member
Four Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 890
Registration date : 2008-05-05
Age : 50
Location : Scotland

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Dec 20, 2009 6:58 am

How do you know Santa is a man?

Firstly he always turns up late. Then he drinks your booze before emptying his sack and he only comes once before pissing off before you wake.
Back to top Go down
http://www.billyyoungsbooks.co.uk
Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 10260
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 78
Location : Germany

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Dec 20, 2009 8:20 am

Good ones Hairy.
Back to top Go down
joefrank
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 8167
Registration date : 2008-11-04
Age : 68
Location : Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Dec 20, 2009 12:24 pm

12/20/2009


All these jokes are making me laugh myself
silly...

Cheers..Joe
Back to top Go down
http://joseph-frank-baraba-artistwebsites.om
Abe F. March
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
avatar

Number of posts : 10260
Registration date : 2008-01-26
Age : 78
Location : Germany

PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Jan 24, 2010 10:10 pm

Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is: A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out..When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?''Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Comedy   

Back to top Go down
 
Comedy
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 4 of 16Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 10 ... 16  Next

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Published Authors :: General :: Comedy and Games-
Jump to: