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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Jun 15, 2015 7:47 am

An old farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.
While the farmer was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Jun 16, 2015 8:34 am

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
 
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies. 
 
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
 
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
 
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
 
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
 
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

 
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
 
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
 
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
 
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
 
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard' 
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Jun 18, 2015 11:31 am

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.  Then, he noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.    Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.
 
  Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.   The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
  He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.   He bet big on it, and it won.   As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
 
  The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on .  True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.    This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.   The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
 
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'
 
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
  "You are not Catholic are you my son?"
 
"No, I'm Jewish".
 
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites.”
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Thu Jun 18, 2015 1:15 pm

lol!

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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Jun 22, 2015 10:00 pm

From a friend in the UK

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those ...crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
 

                          NUDIST COLONY 
 
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Jun 23, 2015 4:51 am

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Jul 05, 2015 11:56 am

Gentle thoughts for today. 
 
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 
 
A penny saved is a government oversight. 
 
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 
 
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. 
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
 
He who hesitates is probably right. 
 
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.' 
 
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really
in trouble. 
 
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it..
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt . 
 
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you 
stop lying about your age and start
bragging about it. 
 
The older we get, the fewer things seem 
worth waiting in line for. 
 
Some people try to turn back their odometers. 
Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. 
I've travelled a long way and some of the 
roads weren't paved. 
 
You know you are getting old when everything 
either dries up or leaks. 
 
One of the many things no one tells you about aging 
is that it is such a nice change from being young. 
 
Ah, being young is beautiful, 
but being old is comfortable. 
 
First you forget names, then you forget faces. 
Then you forget to pull up your zipper. 
It's worse when you forget to pull it down. 
 
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground 
with sticks, it was called witchcraft. 
Today, it's called golf 
 
Lord, 
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
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Don Stephens
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Jul 05, 2015 1:50 pm

AMEN!
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Jul 19, 2015 12:16 pm

A policeman radio’s in to headquarters.
“Hello.  Is that you Sarge?”
“Yes.  Go ahead.”
“We have a case here.  A woman shot her husband
for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No Sir.  The floor is still wet.”
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Jul 19, 2015 10:01 pm

Wise man! Very Happy
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Jul 27, 2015 8:04 am

[size=32]Scotch with two drops of water[/size]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

 
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today....'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
 
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
 
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
 
'Coming up,' says the bartender
 
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy   you one, too.'
 
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
 
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
 
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
 
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN....
 
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
 

'OLD' IS WHEN....
 
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
 

'OLD' IS WHEN.
..
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.
 

'OLD' IS WHEN....

An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
 
AND  
 
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes.
 
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Jul 27, 2015 8:46 am

Quote :
 
Quote :
Quote :
[size=32]This is a fun one[/size][size=32].[/size]
 
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still
used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot
in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight
into the creek.
 
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
 
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
 
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.  It was you, wasn't it son?"
 
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
 
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably
wasn't in the cherry tree."
 
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Jul 27, 2015 9:58 am

Cute...

Damn I'm so old I remember having to use the outhouse!
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Jul 27, 2015 11:19 am

They still have them in the homes around the lakes, Don.

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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Jul 28, 2015 2:38 pm

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
 A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Aug 04, 2015 7:08 am

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT
 
1.     At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars, and watch them slow down!

 
2.     On all your cheque stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'!

 
3.     Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

 
4.     With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

 
5.     Sing along at The Opera.

 
6.     When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

 
7.     When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

 
8.     Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....’

 
9.     Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

 
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite:

 
10.     Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”

 
It's called 'therapy'!
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Aug 04, 2015 3:16 pm

OUTSTANDING!!! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Tue Aug 04, 2015 4:22 pm

Oh my, oh my, I laughed myself into a fit!!!  That is superb!  Thanks.  I sure needed a good belly laugh that didn't disparage any group or person in particular - just a real hoot.  Thank you! Thank you!
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:14 am

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts   are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning:  'Jesus Walks on the Water. ' The sermon tonight:  'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Aug 08, 2015 9:49 am

[size=32]While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the   restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for
about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they
had to travel quite a distance before   they could find a place to turn around,
in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man.   He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire   return drive. The more he chided her,
the more agitated he became. He just   wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the   car, and hurried inside to retrieve her   glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well
get my hat and the
credit card.
[/size]
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sat Aug 08, 2015 10:51 am

That was another great laugh! Thank you.  It's okay to laugh at ourselves.  It is true also that people get in the habit of behaviors toward those they love that need a second look -
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Wed Aug 26, 2015 12:54 pm

George Carlin's take on the sanctity of Life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_tr_k59O6s
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:59 pm

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
 
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS  

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:  
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
**********************************************************
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;  Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Sun Sep 20, 2015 11:31 pm

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
"What's the matter? asked the Trooper  "Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.  "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." 
"I can't," said the biker. 
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. 
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving. 
A few days later, the local State Troopers' office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy   Mon Sep 21, 2015 12:03 pm

 
A
Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.  
“£85 pounds for an extraction, sir” the dentist replied.
“£85 quid! Huv ye no’got anythin’ cheaper?”
 
“That’s the normal charge,” said the dentist.
 
“Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?”
 
“That’s unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock
£15 pounds off.”
  “Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and
still without any anaesthetic?”
 “I can’t guarantee their professionalism and it’ll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds.”
 
“How aboot if ye make it a trainin’ session, huv yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin’ and learnin?”
 
“It’ll be good for the students”, mulled the dentist. “I’ll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic.”
 
“Och, now yer talkin’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said the Scotsman. “Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?”  



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