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 Stacy Black

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KatjaB
Three Star Member
Three Star Member
KatjaB

Number of posts : 171
Registration date : 2012-08-27
Age : 48

Stacy Black Empty
PostSubject: Stacy Black   Stacy Black EmptySun Sep 09, 2012 11:30 am



Here is the first chapter of my detective novella. I have never tried writing a detective story. It came about, because I had just finished a young adult, fantasy, 120k word piece, and found that I needed a desperate break from those characters.


Normally, my friends and family ready my stories, but I have never put anything out publicly. So, I am REALLY looking forward to all of the comments. Rip it, tear it, like it, hate it Smile give it to me straight... that is what I am looking for from you pros.

(with sweaty fingers)
Huggles,
Katja


With
nowhere to go



The old grandfather clock was announcing
that ten o’clock had hit. Stacy was
leaning back in his old, dilapidated office chair and, once again, he was
taking stock of his life. The old clock was the most valuable thing in his
shitty, little office. The sad part was that the clock was not even one of his
family’s heirlooms. Troy, his
secretary, had found it in the trash one day. She had said that it would give
the office character.


Stacy had always thought that at age thirty nine he would
have more to show for. Not necessarily material things. That was not what he
was thinking about. He was thinking about life in general. Most men of his age
had a family to show for, but not Stacy. All he had to show for was an aging
mom who was nice enough to let him stay in his old room. Not the kind of place
that you would want to bring a date to, not even the occasional hooker.




Stacy was spacing off. With an absent
minded he opened the door of the old, trusted desk. Just like Stacy, the desk
had seen better days. Maybe back in the seventies or even eighties when Stacy
was still a child. The door squeaked as he pulled it open, and Stacy bent down
to greet the only true friend that he has had for the past ten years. Jim was
always there for him, and Jim never judged him, no matter what.




He poured himself a glass, a big,
tall glass, and lesser men had found themselves poisoned with a mere fraction
of what Stacy needed to just feel normal. He certainly fit the loser PI stereotype.
Late thirties, ex- military, ex- cop, alcoholic, unshaven, hat and trench coat
wearing, Marlboro smoking, long abandoned by his wife- where ever she might be
these days?- and today, even his secretary left his sorry ass.



Troy
was a good secretary, but even good secretaries need to eat and pay rent. He
could not pay her, and she did the only thing that she could do. Move on. He
would miss her, he knew.




Stacy got up. It had started to
rain, and that meant that the pots that were catching the water that was
seeping in through the roof had to be moved into place. He pushed one of the
pots over and stopped.



He thought that he had heard
something at the door. Could it be? Had Troy
decided to come back? Maybe she had changed her mind and was going to stick by
his side after all? Naw, the chances of that happening were slim to none, but he
decided to go and check anyway.




His hand reached for the knob of
the old, wooden door that, just like his desk, had seen better days. The knob
resisted Stacy’s twist, but maybe it was just because his hands were wet and
sweaty. He twisted the knob with more force and gave it a good, strong pull.



Shit, he thought to himself,
everything here creeks. Bones, desks, doors, I have to get out of here!
He looked at the empty hallway, and a stench of mold, piss and rotten wood
rushed up his nose. No wonder I can’t get any clients. I wouldn’t hire somebody
out of a dump like this
. He looked to the right, and he looked to the left,
but the hallway was empty.




Yeah, nobody was there. No Troy
and certainly no damsel in distress, who comes knocking on the run down,
raggedy PI’s door. That sort of crap only happens in crime novels; the kind
where some rich, vulnerable dame comes looking for help from the loser
detective and ultimately falls in love with him, as he safes the day. No such
luck here though, no sir-y, this is real life at its most low down and ugly
best.




Stacy was about to close the creaking
door to get back to his faithful friend. Jim was winking his beautiful brown
eyes at Stacy from the inside of the tall glass. I’ll be right there Jimmy,
Stacy thought, when he noticed the small package that was sitting in front of
his door.




Who the hell would leave a package
for him? He damn sure didn’t order anything. Heck, he doesn’t have enough cash
to order Chinese, and that is about the cheapest thing that money can buy. He
bent down and swooped up the package. There was no name on it. Maybe it was
something that Troy had ordered? Maybe
she had a secret admirer? God knows, she’s hot and Stacy, even after the three
years that she’d been working for him, was not able to figure out why such a
fox would be working for his broke, run down ass. No problem, he’d bring her
the package and would use the opportunity to sway her to come back to work for
him again. It wouldn’t be the first time that she’d returned to him. Maybe his
mom could borrow him a couple of hundred bucks to catch up on Troy’s
salary.




Stacy went back behind his desk,
plopped into the chair and grabbed for his glass. He set the box in front of
him and looked at it while taking a big swig. There was no name on the box, and
he debated if he should open it. This was his office, so technically that made
this his package. Maybe there was something good in it. Maybe wonders could
still happen. Jim was starting to get to Stacy, and nine times out of ten that
was not a good thing. Instead of just drowning out the pain, Jim always played
to Stacy’s darker side. Especially, when Stacy thought that he had arrived at
the deadest end of his proverbial dead end road.




He snatched the package into his
hands and looked at it form all sides. It was a small package, twelve-by-twelve
at the most, and it was light. Small, light packages normally meant valuable
stuff, right? He placed it on his lap and took another deep gulp. Then, with
gusto he ripped the package open. It should the last thing that Stacy ever
ripped!
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Betty Fasig
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
Betty Fasig

Number of posts : 4334
Registration date : 2008-06-12
Age : 76
Location : Duette, Florida

Stacy Black Empty
PostSubject: Re: Stacy Black   Stacy Black EmptySun Sep 09, 2012 2:33 pm

Dear Katja

I liked it.

Love,

Betty
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http://woofferwood.webs.com/
KatjaB
Three Star Member
Three Star Member
KatjaB

Number of posts : 171
Registration date : 2012-08-27
Age : 48

Stacy Black Empty
PostSubject: Re: Stacy Black   Stacy Black EmptySun Sep 09, 2012 3:01 pm

Thanks Betty.... any other feedback that you can give me?

Huggles,

Katja
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Betty Fasig
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
Betty Fasig

Number of posts : 4334
Registration date : 2008-06-12
Age : 76
Location : Duette, Florida

Stacy Black Empty
PostSubject: Re: Stacy Black   Stacy Black EmptySun Sep 09, 2012 3:51 pm

Dear Katja,

I was intrigued by the introduction of your character, Stacy Black, and you progressed nicely to opening the box and left it up in the air for the next part.

I really do wish that you would trust us on this forum enough to put your profile up. We have been duped by trolls many time, who would take this forum down. I do not know why or how it benefits these creeps, but I am wary of posters who will not put their name here. It is, after all, the name we would be famous by. I hope this does not offend.

Love,

Betty
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http://woofferwood.webs.com/
KatjaB
Three Star Member
Three Star Member
KatjaB

Number of posts : 171
Registration date : 2012-08-27
Age : 48

Stacy Black Empty
PostSubject: Re: Stacy Black   Stacy Black EmptySun Sep 09, 2012 3:57 pm

Hi Betty,

no offense taken.

I have no clue how to put my profile up, but I will make it a point to figure it out.

Huggles,
Katja
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Duncan Pile
Two Star Member
Two Star Member
Duncan Pile

Number of posts : 54
Registration date : 2012-07-07
Location : Nottingham

Stacy Black Empty
PostSubject: Re: Stacy Black   Stacy Black EmptyMon Sep 10, 2012 2:07 pm

Hi Katja. as promised, here are my comments. Firstly, and most importantly, you drew me into the scene. Your descriptive powers summoned a clear sense of both character and mood. I could sense the enjoyment you took as a writer in turning a good sentence, and feel you have a good grasp of what it means to tell a story. in its best moments, the narrative reminded me of Lee Child, whose terse style leads to strong, action packed scenes. On the flip side, i feel you are struggling against the fact that English is not your first language, and would recommend that once your story is complete you pay someone to edit it before submitting to agents our publishers. I don't know anyone who can write perfectly in even their first language, so please don't take that too hard! Finally, i would warn against cliche in a genre that is so well trodden. I also write in a genre that is very well understood by its readers and i have to work hard to do things differently. I'm not sure the knock on the door and the package left behind is a fresh enough idea. Overall i really enjoyed it, and hope my comments are helpful. I'm writing this on my phone so the predictive tool may well have messed up my sentences! D
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KatjaB
Three Star Member
Three Star Member
KatjaB

Number of posts : 171
Registration date : 2012-08-27
Age : 48

Stacy Black Empty
PostSubject: Re: Stacy Black   Stacy Black EmptyMon Sep 10, 2012 3:00 pm

Hi Duncan,

thanks for looking over the first chapter and your feedback.

I have considered consulting an editor (been mulling that one over for a while, but it would probably not be for this story/ series). This story will be my solo-flight experiment, my dive into the cold water. Whip it up, till it over until I cannot till it anymore, put it out there and see what happens. I know it sounds silly, but I thought that I would experiment around like that.

I am not familiar with the author that you have mentioned, but will make it a point to snoop around and find more info.

Well, the kid is pestering me to go to the store with him, and at 22 kids do not do that too often, so I am going to take advantage of this.

Loads of thanks for the input,

Huggles,

Katja
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Duncan Pile
Two Star Member
Two Star Member
Duncan Pile

Number of posts : 54
Registration date : 2012-07-07
Location : Nottingham

Stacy Black Empty
PostSubject: Re: Stacy Black   Stacy Black EmptyMon Sep 10, 2012 3:10 pm

You're welcome, and best of luck.
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Domenic Pappalardo
Five Star Member
Five Star Member
Domenic Pappalardo

Number of posts : 2557
Registration date : 2009-04-27

Stacy Black Empty
PostSubject: Re: Stacy Black   Stacy Black EmptyMon Nov 19, 2012 9:23 am

The old grandfather clock was announcing that ten o’clock had hit. Stacy was leaning back in his old, dilapidated office chair and, once again, he was taking stock of his life. The old clock was the most valuable thing in his shitty, little office. The sad part was that the clock was not even one of his
family’s heirlooms. Troy, his secretary, had found it in the trash one day. She had said that it would give the office character.


Golden rule; SHOW, don’t TELL.

The first sentence give warning this story is not written right. The old grandfather clock…how many times have people used that to describe a clock…the old grandfather clock. Don’t tell about it, show it.

Your first three sentences will hook the reader, or lose the reader. I like the idea of the clock. Don’t have anything in the story that does not help the story. The clock helps the story…if it becomes a part of the story. Maybe something is hidden in , or behind the clock. The clock should pop up here and there in the story, and the story should end with the clock…or do not have it in the first three sentences.

Stacy looked at the clock out of the corner of his eye. It was watching him. It always watched him. It was too big. It dominated the little office. The office smelled of old musty rags. He wanted to open the window, but he was afraid of the clock…it was watching him. He was afraid it would push him out the window.

Here is a book you must get, "Stein on Writing." by Sol Stein. At this point don't pay anybody to go over your work...it's not ready for that.

You are a good story teller, you just need to learn the tricks of telling a story.
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KatjaB
Three Star Member
Three Star Member
KatjaB

Number of posts : 171
Registration date : 2012-08-27
Age : 48

Stacy Black Empty
PostSubject: Re: Stacy Black   Stacy Black EmptyMon Nov 19, 2012 9:34 am

Hiya Domenic,

thanks for the feedback, I will check out the book.

The SB post is an old one, and the story has since been changed, but the clock is still in there... so, I will read over it again.

I would be curious about your feedback on "The Coin of Zeus," which is the story that I am working on now. The first chapter to that is also posted in these forums.

Huggles,
Katja
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PostSubject: Re: Stacy Black   Stacy Black Empty

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