| | What message are we sending? | |
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alj Five Star Member
Number of posts : 9633 Registration date : 2008-12-05 Age : 80 Location : San Antonio
| Subject: What message are we sending? Mon Jul 30, 2012 5:37 am | |
| - Quote :
- And so, it seems to me, there is a critical problem indicated here, which parents and families have to face squarely: that, namely, of insuring that the signals which they are imprinting on their young are such that will attune them to, and not alienate them from, the world which they are going to have to live; unless, of course, one is dead set on bequeathing to one's heirs one's own paranoia.
Joseph Campbell;Myths to LIve By As long as the signals that we, as adults, send out have to do with our paranoid views of exclusion and competition over inclusion and cooperation, we will bring about the same fears in the children, and the same tendency toward violent solutions. - Quote :
- Keeping in mind that your parents were only trying to protect you, and that most of the errors in judgment they made were made with the best intentions, it might be time to release this fear symbolically. You cannot resolve someone else’s fear for them, but you can decide to let go of it on your own behalf. Whether your parents are still alive or not, it is best to do this in a symbolic way, using visualization and, if you like, ritual.
Madisyn Taylor; Daily Om http://www.dailyom.com/
Just me being me again. Ann |
| | | dkchristi Five Star Member
Number of posts : 8594 Registration date : 2008-12-29 Location : Florida
| Subject: Re: What message are we sending? Mon Jul 30, 2012 6:20 am | |
| So very true. I'll never forget watching my driver in Korea pull away from the curb with four little rejects in the back seat giggling and smiling and waving on their way to school.
It seemed we all had something in common. The normal car pool "didn't have room" for us. My child was American; and people on Embassy row considered Americans rather bad influences on their children; another neighbor was Korean, the third had adopted a child with a combination of Korean and African American traits and the fourth was German with a mother who was so distressed by the unfairness of the carpool that she withdrew and joined us. I still have trouble understanding how a four-year old child could be a bad influence, but then there's a lot in this world I've never understood.
So, let me describe these children: My son was four with alabaster skin, blue eyes and thick, curly, white blond hair. The Korean child of similar age had dark eyes, beautiful olive skin and the typical Korean boy haircut with his straight, shining black hair. The third child, of similar age, had very dark skin, large brown eyes with eyelashes to die for and a mop of black curls. The little German boy had straight, sandy hair, blue eyes and fair skin. One thing they had in common was a smile that took over their faces as they waved at their mothers sending them off to an international school.
Fortunately, they didn't know they were among rejects or that the parents in the other car pool didn't want these precious children riding with their "purebreds." I remember one English mother saying how awful it was that her husband refused to send their little girl back to English boarding school - at four years old - and insisted on her attending school in Korea with common children.
I don't know about the other three children, but my son grew up like me, to value another person for their friendship, their character, their shared interests and whatever else brings people together instead of separates them. Their little car pool with additions and subtractions here and there continued for the five years we lived on Embasy row. We had all the typical children's parties and were sometimes slighted by parents whose children did not attend or whose children did not invite ours. Those four boys had each other, their own little United Nations, a microcosm of the future world, and they had a great time together. They were fortunate that they were rejects.
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| | | Abe F. March Five Star Member
Number of posts : 10768 Registration date : 2008-01-26 Age : 85 Location : Germany
| Subject: Re: What message are we sending? Mon Jul 30, 2012 11:14 am | |
| Good posts.
I Like the description of the children and the "reject" aspect. When we lived in Lebanon, most foreigners only associated with other foreigners with the same connections. We tried to blend into local society. We learned the culture and made many friends. We were invited to the homes of the locals and were considered part of the family. Our children grew in knowledge and experience that textbooks cannot teach. Living in isolation/segregation makes a statement, i.e., "We are better than you". My kids went to schools in the US, in Canada, in Greece, in Germany and in Lebanon. They have an international mentality that serves them well. There is a big difference between self-segregation and forced-segregation. |
| | | normapadro
Number of posts : 2 Registration date : 2014-01-16
| Subject: Re: What message are we sending? Thu Jan 16, 2014 5:56 pm | |
| Hello. I grew up in Brooklyn, New York. I never had any friends that I could relate to. I spend most of my time alone. I went to class and went home. The kids in school were very mean to me. I adapted to that mentality. I saw them growing up and most were drug addicts. I'm the only one that wanted to be different and get out of that neighborhood. |
| | | vmaxnick Three Star Member
Number of posts : 94 Registration date : 2012-11-29 Age : 61 Location : Somerset
| Subject: Re: What message are we sending? Sat Aug 30, 2014 4:09 pm | |
| I grew up in Germany on a Military base. Soldiers children were known as 'Pad brats' and were naturally below any children whose parents were of a higher rank. In the pecking order you had Officers children, who generally only attended primary school, then were sent back to UK boarding schools. Then came Teachers children, whose parents had officer status, they too were whisked off to boarding school at age 11 then came the children of NCO's, then other ranks, then came at the bottom of the big pile; Attached Civilians children (Guess where I was) we were as popular as hemorrhoids. To make the whole experience even sweeter, the military children moved around (Postings) every 18 months to five years, so forget making lasting friendships. Still, I guess we all had a cross to bear. When I look at my cousins, most of whom never left the villages they grew up in, I consider myself blessed. |
| | | dkchristi Five Star Member
Number of posts : 8594 Registration date : 2008-12-29 Location : Florida
| Subject: Re: What message are we sending? Sat Aug 30, 2014 5:53 pm | |
| It is the parents that stigmatize the children. Children are born with a blank slate and start exploring who they are as they mature. I remember my son's fascination with touching the hand of the child in the mirror.
We lived on a wealthy island when my three sons were young. They attended Catholic school off the island, so I didn't know their friends at school, just the ones in the neighborhood that looked and lived pretty much the same as we did.
My youngest talked me into going to Disneyland with his class and was thrilled that I would get to meet his "best friends" at school. When my little group gathered, it did not look like the rest of the little groups with the mothers. My son's "best friends" included every ethnic persuasion and disability child in his class. By design or by accident, we were an "inclusion" lesson as we tromped around Disneyland and my pride in my son was major.
I didn't teach these things to my children. They learned by the circumstances of our lives that I valued people for their characteristics of interest, regardless of their differences. Just like the experience in Korea shaped one son, the lack of prejudicial talk and bigoted behaviors in our home and among our friends radiated in the inclusion exhibited by our children.
It is the adults that shape the minds of the children, not by their words but by their actions. My spouse believed women's work was not for our boys. One day I went on strike and never washed another dish. All my sons believe dishes are men's work. I remember the time company offered to help me with dishes and my son piped up, "oh no, we do the dishes, not mom." Thus my spouse who believed in segregating men's work from women's work washed dishes after my strike and taught his sons by example that dishes were part of men's work. |
| | | K.S. Crooks One Star Member
Number of posts : 21 Registration date : 2014-11-06
| Subject: Re: What message are we sending? Thu Nov 06, 2014 1:37 pm | |
| I want my children to always think for themselves, unless what they think is contrary to what I want then they need to reconsider...wait, let me think this over again. One of the hardest things in the world to do is let your children outgrow you. Progress is always made through learning from mistakes, but it is hard as a parent to watch your children fail. I think the key is to trust that you have helped to teach them how pick themselves up and to not give up. |
| | | alj Five Star Member
Number of posts : 9633 Registration date : 2008-12-05 Age : 80 Location : San Antonio
| Subject: Re: What message are we sending? Thu Nov 06, 2014 2:23 pm | |
| My children are all in their 40's now, but I remember something I read in one of those books that were supposed to tell us how to do our jobs. It was one of the few things I read that I took to heart. To paraphrase as best as I can remember, it said that our children do not belong to us. They are not our property, and it is not up to us to decide whom they should become. They are only on loan to us, to keep them safe and look after them until they are capable of looking after themselves. We do not get to choose their futures.
When their dad and I divorced, I moved them into a neighborhood that was known for its diversity. One afternoon, my oldest daughter asked if the young girl who was playing with her and her sister could stay for dinner. I said she could, but only if she promised not to criticize my gumbo. The young lady, who happened to be African-American, rose to her full 4-foot height, lifted her chin, and said, "I have never eaten a bowl of gumbo in my life!"
I looked at her over my glasses (hey, I was back in school, learning to be a teacher) and asked her, "Did you or did you not tell me that you just moved here from New Orleans?"
"Yes," she responded in a what-does-that-have-to do-with-anything tone.
"Think about that for a minute and tell me again that you have never eaten gumbo."
She thought, and then said, "Oh."
I smiled, and added that in New Orleans, people usually made Creole gumbo, and she agreed. Then I pointed out that Orange, the little city where we lived, was just across the river from southwest Louisiana, and she agreed. So I then said, "Well, this is Cajun country, and here, we make Cajun gumbo, so I'm asking you not to compare two dishes that are about as much alike as apples and oranges.
"Oh," she said again, and then said, "OK," as the girls ran back into the playroom.
A bit later she came back, sat in one of the barstools that divided the den from the kitchen, watched me with her chin resting on her hands, and finally said, "My stepdad is white."
I was at a critical stage in stirring the roux, which is the base for Cajun gumbo, so I didn't answer immediately and she added, "That bother you?"
I scraped my spatula around the sides of the dutch oven and then said, "No. Does it bother you?"
After a short silence, she said, in a softer voice, "Sometimes." Then she jumped down from the barstool and ran back to the playroom, laughing as she went.
That was at a time when changes were just taking shape. It was a long time ago. Hopefully it is easier on the children now, so that they do not have to worry so much, or be defensive about, their differences.
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| | | dkchristi Five Star Member
Number of posts : 8594 Registration date : 2008-12-29 Location : Florida
| Subject: Re: What message are we sending? Fri Nov 07, 2014 10:11 am | |
| It may be easier, but prejudice is alive and well. |
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