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 NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER.

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Domenic Pappalardo
Five Star Member
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Domenic Pappalardo

Number of posts : 2557
Registration date : 2009-04-27

NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER. Empty
PostSubject: NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER.   NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER. EmptyTue Apr 05, 2011 8:58 am

thank you


Last edited by Domenic Pappalardo on Thu Apr 07, 2011 3:00 pm; edited 1 time in total
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mpride1122
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mpride1122

Number of posts : 31
Registration date : 2011-03-25
Location : NY

NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER. Empty
PostSubject: Re: NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER.   NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER. EmptyTue Apr 05, 2011 11:45 am

Take this for what it's worth:

If I was naked outside, even on the warmest day, and a soft breeze blew against me, it would be cool (in temperture). Wind crossing your naked body tingles the senses and tickles the hairs on your skin. I would imagine even for the most casual nudists, there is still a thrill associated with being completely naked in public that causes goosebumps on their skin. It's a thrill equal to, if not fueling the passion of what I presume follows next. Out of curiousity, does this scene take place in the summer?

The excerpt is taken out of context, so I don't know Mel or Heather, nor do I know HOW into one another they are; The conversation seems flat WITHOUT the description of their body language. Are they holding each other? Is Heather playing "hard to get?" Is she shy / uncertain? Does she cover herself while he's trying to relax her (which I assume explains why she had to reassure him that she was comfortable being naked by the use of her example from her past...)?

Also, the dialouge seems a little disjointed-- they don't seem to be responding to one another. For example, Mel said, "“Can’t do this in Chicago,” to which Heather relates the moment to (in my opinion a surprising) event in her past, to which Mel almost seems unphased by saying, "“I like being under the open sky naked. It does feel free." Either he didn't care about her experience from the past or he was just rushing to the grand finale-- both are bad examples of the chemistry needed to fuel the reader's passion for what comes next (even if you end the scene as you did, the reader instantly races away with imagination).

To sum up-- you did a very fine job tying the physical description of the environment to the passion of the scene, but I would focus more on the unspoken dynamic in the scene; the chuckles, the "shy" foreplay, the "catch me if you can," the wonder, the trust necessary to WANT to be naked in public together, the chemistry, etc...


Hope that helps... I'm horrible with love scenes by the way. Anyway, I'd be interested to know what's going on with Mel and Heather from Chicago that they're naked in the wilderness somewhere... haha. Good luck... MP
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Domenic Pappalardo
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Domenic Pappalardo

Number of posts : 2557
Registration date : 2009-04-27

NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER. Empty
PostSubject: Re: NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER.   NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER. EmptyTue Apr 05, 2011 3:16 pm

cc


Last edited by Domenic Pappalardo on Wed May 04, 2011 9:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
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mpride1122
One Star Member
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mpride1122

Number of posts : 31
Registration date : 2011-03-25
Location : NY

NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER. Empty
PostSubject: Re: NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER.   NAKED SEX IN THE SUMMER. EmptyTue Apr 05, 2011 3:48 pm

Haha-- um, I'm good. She sounds... lovely, but I'd hate to get between her and Mel, rhetorically speaking of course.

Like I said, the scene has real potential. I found it interesting how you used the descriptions of the natural environment as a rhetorical device to insinuate the physical relationship between Heather and Mel, but I would just caution against glossing over the buildup. Including elements of their interaction would only make for a far more powerful scene...

And I really hope you don't mind my "direct approach" in describing your writing. I figured if you're asking for advice, I'd be amissed if I didn't provide it. I try to be constructive and direct because that's what I hope others do for my work. Anyway, my best to you...

MP
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