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 The meaning of marriage to me!

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alj
Abe F. March
alice
dkchristi
James
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James
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PostSubject: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 6:54 am

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I've had but one marriage. I loved her then and I love her now (half a century later). Ya can't marry and go about your previous ways. A marriage requires that you give up something - that you can make way for what your spouse brings into the partnership.


And you have to be sure that you’re at the right dock - because it is a partner(ship) - not a relation(ship) that marriage embarks upon.

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James
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dkchristi
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 8:17 am

I have beliefs about many things in life. Those that came true for me confirm my correctness; those that failed meant that my belief was flawed.

Marriage is one of those emotional arrangements that differs by culture and educational factors. Most people have beliefs about marriage.

When I was a young girl, I believed that Prince Charming would come and we would live in a cape cod house with a white picket fence, a stream in the back woods, and lovely children playing on the swing set just like my daddy built for me in the backyard (he was a pipefitter; it would never pop out of the ground!)

Of course, no one arrives to make a marriage. Two people become who they are and find each other through a variety of means, some more positive than others. They may struggle for years to overcome the roots of their union or their marriage may start on solid ground and disintegrate because they become very different people for various reasons.

I once passed judgment on the "good" marriages and the "bad" marriages and those who remained married and those with multiple marriages or relationships. I grew in my understanding of life and experience to know that what one believes or sees is not necessarily so. No one can see into the human heart but the person with their heart within.

I congratulate those with long term marriages because the gifts to the families may be many. Disrupted families often suffer across many generations and at many levels. However, suffering occurs within long term marriages also.

Wherever we are in this life and who we are today is the accumulation of experiences that differ for every one of us. They are not necessarily better or worse than anyone else's; they are just different.
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alice
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 8:42 am

James,

Congratulations on your successful marriage.

You are right compromise is necessary and some folks are easier to compromise with than others.

I was lucky in love. My husband is a very loving, caring, considerate man. He was a good provider and a wonderful father to our two children.

My roommates were not so fortunate. One roommate's marriage broke up because of the repeated affairs her spouse had and the other roommate did not have children because she did not want her children reared in a negative environment.

I am no better than they are --just far more fortunate in marriage.

I had no problem adopting my husband's ways as they were superior to mine.

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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 10:22 am

Although I will reach the 50 year mark this coming May, I agree with DK's assessment. Just because someone has a long marriage, doesn't mean it was/is a bed of roses.
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alj
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 10:32 am

Someone once said (I would tell you if I remembered who) that marriage is, too, a bed of roses. You just have to remember that roses have thorns.

Good topic, James.

Ann
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James
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 11:13 am

We learned early on that it was important to recognize each other’s needs and to grant each other their share of victories


To us that meant admitting that the other was right - when we were wrong. That’s not easy - so we adopted this method: It's win - win, because there's a strong element of fun in it.

Here’s what you do! Don’t say a word! Approach your spouse with your hand on your forehead and bow! Sometimes it might require that the bow show a bit of groveling!

It means "I hate it when you’re right - it gives me a headache.

//
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James
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alice
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 11:23 am

Marriage may not be a bed of roses, but neither is life. I will wager the children and grandchildren made the misery worthwhile for many people. I hope so anyway. The meaning of marriage to me! 588578

Pleasant thread, James.
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JoElle
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 11:34 am

Abe F. March wrote:
Although I will reach the 50 year mark this coming May, I agree with DK's assessment. Just because someone has a long marriage, doesn't mean it was/is a bed of roses.

I agree with Abe.
A long marriage does not necessarily mean a happy one.
I've seen plenty of people stuck in unhappy marriages and stay there for different reasons: religious (don't believe in divorce), financial, 'for the children', they think it is normal, etc.
Sometimes it takes a person two or three marriages to find happiness. In their cases I wouldn't consider the ended marriages failures as much as maybe learning/growing experiences.

Like Alice, I feel I was lucky to have found the 'right guy' first time around. It will be 28 years for us this year. We married relatively young 18/22, knew each other less than six months, and both our mothers were against it (they both grew to love our spouses). But when you know you've found 'him', you just know. At least that was my case.

I was doubly lucky in that our marriage has been an easy and comfortable one. No adjustment time. No compromises. No annoying hidden habits. No ugly surprises. The man I dated was the same man I married.

If there is a 'secret' in our case, it is a simple one. He loves me exactly the way I am and has never tried to change me. And he has continued to love me as I have changed and grown on my own. He sees my flaws and loves me anyway. In my case, how can I not love an amazing man like that?

I can honestly say I love him more today than the day I married him.
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alice
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 12:25 pm



JoEllle,


I loved you last sentence and that is how I feel too.
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 1:01 pm

My confession.
I got married on a rebound. I was in the USAF and the girl I was engaged to returned my ring. (Later I learned that her parents forced her to return it. I was devastated. I really loved her. Then I found someone nearby that I got attached to, a foreigner. In three months we were married since I was due to return to the states. The adjustment to marriy and a change in culture for her was huge. She just didn't fit into my family and their religious persuasion. She went through hell, but I think it was the hell that she went through that brought us closer together. She did her best to adjust but it was never enough. It may have been one of the reasons that I took work far away from home. I left Pennsylvania and we moved to Chicago where I landed a job. And so it went, from Chicago, to Washington, to Boston, MA and then to New York. From New York, I became an independent businessman and the next move was back to Pennsylvania before moving to Canada. From Canada to Greece, then Germany, back to the USA before going to the Middle East. Change in culture became second nature and it was easier for me to adapt/adjust, having a wife who knew what that meant. We shared the sucess and failures of business. I found that the failures brought us closer together. Without a supporting partner I would never have succeeded. The hometown girl that I once loved would never have been able to cope with all the moves and cultures. It was a rocky road, full of ups and downs, but we survived. 50 years of marriage in May will be a landmark. I would never lie and say it was 50 years of love and happiness. There were times when I was ready to quit, but we stayed together, mainly because of the children. Sometimes children are the glue that keeps a family together. I'm not convinced that it is a good reason, but it can be a reason where things can work out.
I don't think that many people realize the cultural shock that people experience. They yearn to be accepted, but are often repulsed. Often is it religion that created the divide. Where love should prevail, prejudice becomes the culprit.
In those 50 years, not much has changed between my family back home and today. Religion still divides. What crap!
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A Ahad
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 1:33 pm

There are three things in life that are beyond choice: births, deaths and marriages.
Other things that are more worldly can be chosen, such as cars, jobs and lavish holidays out in the Bahamas or in the Algarve. But I have found those three things cannot.

To be able to have 2.4 children (births) is not an automatic entitlement just because you have found your ideal spouse. Neither can one choose how or where one should die, nor whether one will survive a marriage till death does you apart.

Unlike the swing of a pendulum, which is perfectly predictable by simple harmonic motion, human affairs are inherently chaotic.

Many people resort to palmistry, astrology and seek advice from divine and spiritual sources before deciding on their life partner. I believe it works for them through their power of faith and self-belief in the same sense as prayer.


Last edited by A Ahad on Sat Jan 08, 2011 1:11 am; edited 1 time in total
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alj
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 1:54 pm

Was having a discussion with my kids during the holidays. They pointed out that the statistics on staying married are better for their generation than their parent's. During the past ten years, they said (haven't checked their statistics), the divorce rate has dropped from a high of nearly 50% down to about 35%.

If it is true, I can't help but wonder if better birth control methods and the changes in sexual mores are a factor.

Ann
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Shelagh
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 2:57 pm

The stats dropped because, these days, couples have children but don't marry. Divorce is expensive. Many young couples put off marriage the way that couples used to put off starting a family.
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dkchristi
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 4:11 pm

I like Ahad's analysis.

This is also a good time of the year to think about the values of relationships and the romance that life offers. With Valentine's Day approaching, that day of expressing love thoughts is not just a Madison Avenue gimmick to sell cards and presents but also recognition that love is an important element of life's equation.

If you get a chance to check out Examiner.com and search on dkchristi, you'll find some suggestions for a very romantic Valentine's Day with the love of your life (target is retirement lifestyle) even if it's only yourself. Hopefully, you will sign in and add your own suggestions to benefit others, especially those of you who have kept the love light burning for so many wonderful years.
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Betty Fasig
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 4:23 pm

Dear Abe,
You describe it very well.
What a lovely lady you have found that keeps your glue. Love is the small moments. Well, you know that already.

Love,
Betty
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alj
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PostSubject: Re: The meaning of marriage to me!   The meaning of marriage to me! EmptyThu Jan 06, 2011 4:44 pm

Shelagh wrote:
The stats dropped because, these days, couples have children but don't marry. Divorce is expensive. Many young couples put off marriage the way that couples used to put off starting a family.

And they still put off having families. When my brother became a father for the first time at 40, it was very unusual. When my daughter-in-law did that 21 months ago, it was relatively common.

Ann
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