Jokes

Hi
Everyones getting too serious. Time for a laugh...

When O.J. Dies...

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained. Standing by the bed was Monica Lewinsky.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

3/26/2010


Luigie...

I almost peed in my pants, that was
funny as hell, never expected that ending.....
Great joke !


Cheers..Joe

Thanks Joe,
Here's another;

An elderly man in the Northern Territory of Australia had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables
Placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'








Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

Reminds me of an old saying that is common at least here in the southern US: When you're up to your A** in alligators, it is hard to remember that your original intention was to clean the swamp.

Ann

To all those that drink water!!!!










To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine, there is wisdom,
In beer, there is freedom,
In water, there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year, we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) -
Bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

Good one, Luigie.
I didn't know I needed justification, but if I ever do, you have provided it.

Time to lighten up again:

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

A poor girl didn't make it in America and wants to go home to Ireland but has no money.
She finds a sailor in New York and works out a deal with him.
She meets him on a dock at night and he hides her in a seabag and smuggles her aboard.
He hides her in a little niche below decks. He brings her food twice a day and she takes care of her end of the deal.
But she's found and hauled in front of the captain. She confesses all and names the sailor, tells how he smuggled her aboard and feeds her.
So why did he do that, the Captain asks her.
Blushing, she confesses, "Well, he's screwing me."
"He sure is, honey," the captain says. "This is the Long Island Ferry."


(Luigie's reminded me of this one.)

Shortly after I married, my dad called me to tell me the shipyard was about to launch the Kennedy ferry, that the family was making a big thing of it (this was shortly after the assassination), so he would be very busy. Could Bill and I look after Grandad. We said, sure, and arrived at the yard early. My grandfather had already found an up-close seat. We went to him and asked him what he thought. Considering he was looking through the glasses he was given after recent cataract surgery, the fact that he had never seen a sideways launch, especially of a vessel that had only a completed hull, and that he thought of the new managers as "young whippersnappers( 60 to his 90 years of age) who knew nothing about building boats," we understood his answer: "I think the G**-da**ed thing is goin' to split in two the minute it hits the water." Clearly, he was mistaken:


http://www.cardcow.com/48696/staten-island-new-york-ferry-boat-john-f-kennedy-transportation-boats-ships-ferries/

Thanks for the chuckles.

Hi Abe
Yeah! It's nice to enjoy a chuckle.
Trumps the nastiness of some idiots who have been posting lately.
Best regards

4/8/2010


Luigi..

That was hysterical....

Cheers..Joe

Hi guys and dolls
Time for another chuckle.

It is near the Christmas break of the school year in New York.

The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish those girls would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Yep. That's about right. Just can't keep a good thing secret.

Ah! The Irish
Told to me by an Irish friend, so it's not racist!

Mick comes home after work one evening and finds Mary standing on the doorstep looking radiantly happy.

She rushes towards him, gives him a big kiss and breaks the news: "Mick, I've got wonderful news. I'm expecting a baby".

Mick is overjoyed.

Then comes the next item of news.; "I'm glad you're happy Mick, cos it's going to be twins".

Mick is even more ecstatic and asks how she found out..











"Well, it's like this. I went to the pharmacy this morning for a testing kit and they were selling two for the price of one.
And they both turned out positive!"

Mick met Paddy down the pub.

"Did you see the match this afternoon?" Mick asked.

"Aye, I did." Paddy replied.

"What was the score?"

"Nil nil."

"And what was the halftime score?"

Good ones. Thanks for my morning smile.

Something topical, the joys of travel.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry! , sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."

I think there's a long waiting line for that one.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"



Shush, don't tell anyone - He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp!

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