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 Funny Story

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luigie
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PostSubject: Funny Story   Sun Mar 14, 2010 5:03 pm

Hi All
This was posted on another forum that I frequent......


Just try reading this without laughing!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ..

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

XXXXXXXXXXXX(edited) .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ...!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, ********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
********* and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
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lin
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Sun Mar 14, 2010 5:12 pm

Funny

If you like stungun humor, you might like this as well

I wrote it for a column back when stun guns were new and tasers not around yet.

One of my early web design projects, by the way So don't snicker

http://mexipost.com/lhr/STUN.htm
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LC
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Sun Mar 14, 2010 5:14 pm

That was kind of long for me ...where was the funny part?
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luigie
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Sun Mar 14, 2010 9:40 pm

Hi LC
Quote :
That was kind of long for me ...where was the funny part?
I suppose you had to be there!
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Domenic Pappalardo
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Sun Mar 14, 2010 10:30 pm

Luigie,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...tears in my eyes. Craped his shorts...HAHAHAHAHA.
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luigie
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:00 am

Hi Domenic
Quote :
Luigie,
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...tears in my eyes. Craped his shorts...HAHAHAHAHA.
It appealed to my sense of humour....I thought it was well written. I could imagine the whole scene as If I were there witnessing it.
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:59 am

Both stories are funny. Lin has a unique sense of humor.
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luigie
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:48 pm

Hi All
How about a play on 'werds'

ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I
amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?....................... A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain
; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that
there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did ...
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:30 pm

Good ones. Got my morning chuckle.
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Betty Fasig
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Tue Mar 16, 2010 5:07 am

Cup of Tea.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 3 years old, and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift. It was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home. My Dad made her sit quietly in another room, so mum could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because I was so cute.
Mum waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
Mum watches dad drink from the tea cup.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know......)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water.....is the toilet?'

and down we roll
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Abe F. March
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:12 am

Betty,
that's priceless.
I've always wondered why some ladies splash on a "Toilet Water" fragrance.
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luigie
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Tue Mar 16, 2010 2:38 pm

Hi Abe
Quote :
Betty,
that's priceless.
I've always wondered why some ladies splash on a "Toilet Water" fragrance.
Betty started it. She's probably got shares in 'Toilet Water' companies. If not, she should be entitled to royalties......
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vampireheartauthor
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Story   Wed May 19, 2010 6:11 pm

I like the joke about the cannibals and the clown...
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